Summer 2022... kind of.

I have gotten really bad at being a blogger and have not been great at updating literally anyone. Ever. 

Sigh. 

I'll get better. Someday. At least I'm pretty sure. Until then, let's talk about what has been happening around here lately. I feel like it's so much that it is hard to keep up but I'm really trying. 

1. Kindergarten Graduation

Lucy officially graduated kindergarten and she was so excited. She had a pretty good school year and could not love school more. She's starting to read books, mastered her sight words, is a whiz at addition and substraction, enjoys art, has adorable handwriting (though she writes her 'y' backwards and it's the cutest), cannot rhyme anything to save her life, and make great strides in speech therapy. 

This was also the year that she started physical therapy and has been doing such a great job. She has some progress to make, but she LOVES going to 'exercise class'! She will continue with speech therapy next year and already misses her kindergarten teacher, her speech teacher, and her friends. 

2. School is out.... for summer

I don't post about the bigger kids much because 1. they hate it and 2. they are literally busy all the time and I don't always get pictures. I need to really try harder because I'm finding my memory is starting to slide a little more. 

But.. Olivia finished 10th grade with amazing grades. She did so great in AP World History, she loved biology, but her journalism class was by far her favorite. She learned a lot from her teacher who I hope becomes a mentor for her because that was a great last minute change to her schedule back in the fall. She's working two jobs this summer, flying through books at breakneck speed, and getting her license as soon as we have time to do it. She even managed to go to Washington D.C., New York City, and Boston for school. Jackson finished eighth grade and is literally chucking deuces at the hell hole that is middle school and is heading to the high school next year. He learned to crochet, play Dungeons & Dragons, and is literally the funniest kid of our bunch. He has my sarcastic personality and I always have a good time hanging out with him. Him and I are doing the DC/NYC trip next spring break (same one I did with Liv), so we at least have that to look forward to. Penelope finished first grade like a boss and is an amazing reader and is excellent at math. She's hoping for "harder math" in second grade. She gets that from her dad because math is the absolute worst. And we already talked about Lucy. 

3. We all scream for ice cream

You know summer has officially started when the ice cream truck starts it's weekly visit. We planned last week entirely around it coming and it was worth it. 

4. Plans?

Normally I have some kind of plan for our summer, but this year I'm stumped. I really WANT to go on a roadtrip but honestly, we need to work on paying down debt and putting money away. I'm really struggling with the "be a responsible adult" versus the "we only get 18 summers, they grow so fast, life is short so take the trip" argument. In my head, of course. I haven't settled it and I really need to make a decision soon so we can appropriately plan and people can take time off. 

If we don't do a roadtrip (which really would be a bummer), I guess we can do some short day trips on the weekends or something. I don't know. I just hate being the only one really delegated to any of this because of our group, I'm literally the last person who should be in charge of anything. I can't make decisions, I can't organize thoughts, and god knows I can't remember anything. The thing about cognitive impairment is that learning to live with your newly acquired shortcomings is really hard and incredibly frustrating. It's like running into a table as you walk by, multiple times and knowing full well that if you just move over a little you would be fine, but you continue to run into the table and it makes no sense. 

So that's my life. 

Hopefully yours is going better, or you at least have any kind of idea of what's happening next. That would be nice. 

Life just keeps happening in October.

I keep saying it feels like October just started but honestly, we're in the last week and I'm so overwhelmed with life. To think by the end of the week we only have two months left of 2021 is just crazy to me. So much has happened this year and I'm trying to close out 2021 on a happy note, so we're made some changes to how our family functions and how we are going to do things going forward. More on that later. 

I started the month out by getting my hair cut and colored. I was sick of hating my hair and I had money from my birthday in March so I figured, fuck it, I'm getting my hair done. Somehow though, it doesn't seem as dark as when I first got it but that's alright. I'm just happy it's not a weird golden orange anymore. 

Olivia is learning to drive and she can test for her license right before Christmas. Matt has been taking her because my anxiety has been so bad lately but also my own vision hasn't been great so I wouldn't be a good teacher for her. We let her drive out to her grandparents' with Matt so I followed behind with the other kids, it's such a weird experience to follow your kid in a car they are in control of. 

We've spent a few Friday nights freezing our asses off in the stands to watch Olivia play in the band. They did really great and I'm glad she is enjoying it. I think Jackson is looking forward to being out there next year. 

Penelope and Lucy have been super involved with recent book reviews but I even got a quick picture of Jackson and Penelope sitting nicely together without bickering. 

I'm trying to not share much about the kids in general on here anymore but I can't resist showing you Olivia before her first Fall Ball. They didn't get to do any high school dances last year so this was just extra fun. She went with a group of friends and they all seemed to have a fun time. She's such a beautiful young woman. 

I can't even remember if I mentioned it or not but Matt and the kids built me a Little Free Library for Mother's Day this year. Over the summer he put that up for me and we've kept our library stocked with mostly all new releases (if you live near to me sometimes I put some review books in there!) and every once in awhile I get a real doozy that makes me laugh. Last week this one showed up and I had to take a picture of it. 

Both Lucy and Penelope went to their first dental cleaning a week or two ago and apparently between the both of them there are seven wiggly teeth on their way out. Penelope wasted no time just yanking one right out like the first two she lost. She got her $1 from the Tooth Fairy and she's eagerly working on losing more teeth because she really likes money. Don't we all, girl. 

Oh yes, I got my first Christmas gift wrapped with help from Jackson and George. George was more about ribbon control and supervision, though. I've already started ordering things and getting myself organized. I am SO on the ball this year though, I've been saving cash for the better part of five months (next year I'm doing Christmas saving challenges so it'll be even better) and I'm chasing deals to keep costs down low. So far I've only spent $350ish and I am mostly done with the kids, so I can't be mad at that. The rest I have money for, I'm just waiting for the best price before I commit. What am I getting Matt? I have no idea. Literally not one idea. Well, I had one idea, which is what I wrapped but other than that..... I've got nothing. 

So that's how most of October has gone. My office Christmas tree is going to go up on Monday. I might hold out a little longer for our big tree, I'm not that ready yet. 

My brain is mush.

I know I can't be the only one who is left with a mushy brain after quarantine. I told Matt I can't even enjoy the freedom of not being in quarantine because I know enough science to know a second (or god forbid, a third) wave is coming and I know we're going to be locked in again. 

Which is fine, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to visit with folks only to get sick and die from something sharing the name of a beer when I don't even drink alcohol. Hard pass, people. 

So I don't know if I could tell you what is even happening in life because.. I'm just not sure. Maybe I can get it together for tomorrow.. we'll see. 

I guess I can do a health update, I suppose. Well, today I'm going to see my pulmonary doctor and we are going to check out my lungs and hopefully all is well there. I'm assuming it isn't a virtual visit because if it is I'm going to look REAL stupid showing up. I've got an appointment in July for Neurology for migraines. Those have made a real comeback and I'm pretty much over it all. The bummer is that my neurologist, the one who was there immediately after the AFE, has since retired so now I have to get matched up with a new one. Apparently, there are only two choices right now and I didn't even get a pick, I was automatically put with the more experienced one. I guess he is really big into Botox, and no, I definitely do not want Botox so I can already assume how this appointment is going to go. I'm also fairly sure this is the guy who did my test that they poke you with needles all over. That guy made me cry and essentially told me to buck up. 

I'm not even kidding. 

So if its him again I will have to just make a scene, I guess. I can't even say send me to Mayo Clinic because I have seen those neurologists a few time and they are just as bad, if not worse. 

I continue with therapy but I won't lie, I can't wait until I can go in person again. I have psychiatry next week and hopefully I can see him one more time before he leaves in August. It's a bummer to lose my neurologist but it's even worse to lose my amazing psychiatrist. 

Other than me, we've got a few things happening around here: 

Olivia started her first job! I maybe already mentioned this, I can't remember. She is doing office work at Matt's job so for awhile he would pick her up at lunch time and they would ride together. She starts Upward Bound this week so I'll get to drive her to work and she can ride home with him. She has been pretty excited about a job and she is actively saving for a car. Oh yeah, she turns 15 in the fall and we've already been talking about driver's education and seriously, how am I old enough to almost have a driver? Let alone a high-schooler?! 

I seriously promise by the end of the week I'll give you a tour of my craft/office/library room. Swearsies. It's been a bit of a bummer because I haven't gotten to have any real time in here. I set out a crafty thing to try and then all hell breaks loose and I have to take over upstairs. It is really nice to have a door, that locks, but it doesn't seem to matter when the only time I can come down is when everyone is in bed but then I want to be in bed too. 

One of my favorite things about this house has always been the backyard. It's pretty similar to when we moved in when I was just starting eighth grade. I don't remember a lot but I do remember thinking the yard made me think we were fancy now. It had an actual flower garden area and then all around the house had flowers and bushes. There are two huge trees in the backyard, a birch and a horse chestnut tree. There used to be a red maple but I think it was really damaged in a storm and it had to come down. But as a teen I used to lay on a blanket under the two big trees because it was always shady and perfect. I had forgotten all about it until last week when Lucy and Penelope were under there and I went over to bring them a drink and for whatever reason, the shade of the tree and the noise of the leaves reminded me of that. So I sit and stare at the trees a lot. 

I have a love/hate relationship with the wildlife here. We have rabbits, and I LOVE rabbits, and they are really quite large. There are two specifically that do their version of a cage right several times a week and last week one ran right on top of my feet. He gave zero cares that I'm standing there. Then there's THIS jerk of a squirrel. He will come up on the deck, right up to me and throw his scraps from whatever he's eating at me. I don't know if this is his silent intimidation thing or what. I was able to get a picture of the gangster squirrel. He just sits and stares at me like he's waiting for me to make a move. Or plotting my death, honestly it's still a toss up. 

Speaking of large animals, I have recently hit the 25 pound weight loss mark (I know, I kind of forgot to post all about that stuff, so I'll try to soon) so my reward was eating an entire box of Better Cheddars in one sitting. 

Nope, totally not good for you. And nope, I don't actually care. I remember these tasting way more cheesy as a kid but I don't care. They are still good and I want all of them. They are super hard to find though so when I do find them, I have to buy them. #noshame

How is your summer starting? Do you have any plans? We officially cancelled our road trip and I think we're all really bummed out about it .

When did the dream of Santa die for you?

I realize that it's not realistic that my kids will believe in Santa forever. I know this. I really have been in some serious denial that my kids are inching closer and closer to that point where I have to explain to them what Santa is and how to still celebrate Christmas and not feel like you've been cheated. Does that make sense? I have no doubt that my kids know what Christmas is really about and how to celebrate it with a bright and giving heart. No doubt.

I'm still sad.

Here's the thing: a few weeks ago Olivia mentioned in the car, on the way home from school, that some kids in her class were talking about how Santa wasn't real. Thank god I was driving because I don't think I would have been able to keep a straight face. I very calmly asked her what she thought about it, and she told me she still believed.

But my heart broke a little bit. Because I know my time with her like this is coming to an end.

So this year I'm trying to just soak it all up with her. I think even with all of this, she's doubting everything. I do know this is the last year for all of this with her, I just know it. So now my next issue is how to explain to her about Santa and not have it be a let down for her. Does that make sense?

My fear is that she'll say or do something and ruin it for Jackson. I don't think she would do it on purpose, I really don't. I just feel a little brokenhearted that kids really do grow up. It feels like once a kid doesn't believe in Santa it's like a little piece of childhood dies.

So here's my question for you:

How do I explain Santa to Olivia without ruining Christmas for her, and how to get her to not feel like it's not as fun? 

I feel like this is just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. Like this is the first tough conversation we'll have with her so I feel all of this pressure to get it right. This is the kind of thing they don't explain to you in those parenting magazines or What to Expect books. Diapers and teething are nothing compared to this kind of stuff.

Multiplication is going to be the death of me.

For readers who are paying attention, my Olivia is in third grade this year. Olivia is super smart. She always test very well, always in the top ranking of the class, always in the top one or two percentile nationwide in basically everything. I felt like the first three years of school I was going to get by easily because she just picks up everything so effortlessly.

Until third grade.

More specifically, until multiplication.

Now, I fully understand that with the Common Core standards math is taught drastically different than when I was in school. And for the most part, I'm fine with that. Even if I don't understand it, that's not the important part. The important part is that my child understands it and can learn math concepts. And while I haven't understood how to do her math any other year using these new standards, I have always been able to go to the teacher and get some guidance and every year, that's worked out beautifully.

This year we are working on multiplication and division and I swear to you all, I am going to lose it. It's gotten to the point where I am actually telling her to ignore what her teacher is telling her because they way they are doing it makes no sense at all. At conferences, I brought this up and it's like the teacher understood my frustration, but gave us no other alternatives other than to keep trying. Well that's out the window. This week I started working with her on her times table and I thought by god- this kid is going to memorize it, and we'll work out the rationale later. Homework time has been reduced to tears (mine), frustration, then she cries, then we fight, and I know in that scenario she isn't retaining anything at all.

I fully understand the rationale behind explaining a math concept and having them know that 4x3=12, but also being explain what that actually means- that four rows of oranges over here multiplied by the three columns of oranges over here is going to give you twelve oranges. I agree that this is a great method to use, and frankly, maybe if it was explained that way to me as a kid I wouldn't have struggled so hard in math my whole life. But right now, I'm watching a highly intelligent, studious, happy girl dissolve into tears over homework.

I also hate that I am having to take it into my own hands at this point. Because frankly? I'm not a teacher for a reason. I did not go to school to be a teacher, I have no idea what I am doing and that's why I don't home school. I'm not kidding myself, I have no idea what I'm doing. I want her to be able to do well on assignments, without me guiding her along, but also do well on tests to show that she actually can do it.

The nice thing is that it isn't just my kid. I have talked to a lot of other parents with kids in the same boat. What gets me is that of the parents I spoke with, we're all very hands on with our children's education and they are struggling. What about the kids who don't have parents at home who care enough to help with homework? Those kids are getting lost in the shuffle and that's heartbreaking. I don't know what to do about that. But I do know that if multiplication is this hard with Olivia, I'm terrified for when Jackson gets there because he's not nearly as studious as her. He's smart, but he doesn't love school work enough to really put effort into it. And if third grade is this hard? God help me from here on out.

Sometimes, I really hate being a parent.

To say this was a challenging parenting weekend is an absolute understatement. It seems like we can have so many good days in a row, where the kids do what they need to, I feel on top of my game as a mom and a wife, and even though all of the medical bills from this year seem to be pouring in at once, I feel like things are going to be OK.

Then we have a weekend like this and I just end up crying a lot and I question why I ever wanted to be a parent in the first place. The worst part about parenting, for me, is that I think having post-partum depression after Olivia has really set me up for failure with her. I really believe that. I really believe by not having that magical bonding time with your baby, it essentially dooms you for the rest. I feel like no matter what I do, that child does not like me and actively does everything in her power to show me she's really in charge. And sometimes, sometimes I kind of dislike her. Sometimes I look at her and think- you spiteful little brat.

And it makes me feel like the worst parent in the entire world. 

Because in my heart, she isn't that. Olivia is a really kind, beautiful, smart, creative, funny, passionate and loving girl. She really is. Everyone always tells me what an awesome kid she is and what a joy she is to be around. And those moments mean a lot to me because there are other times where I feel like if I didn't have her, maybe I wouldn't feel like each and every day is a damn struggle.

The pooping issue is nowhere near solved. We're at a point where it's manageable and I do that via diet because I don't want her to be on a laxative long term. Honestly, that seems like a terrible solution that causes long term issues. I can't doom her to that and sending her to college with a laxative seems kind of terrible as well. What hasn't stopped, or seem to be manageable, is peeing her pants. We have ruled out all medical related reasons for this. It has come down to her flat out saying she does not want to stop whatever activity she is doing, so she would rather just pee her pants.

And that sets me right over the edge.

I can't even fully explain to you what goes through my head when she does this. But this weekend I once again discovered a lack of underwear and pants in the wash yet she's telling me she has no clean ones. I go to investigate and lo and behold- Barbie's Dream House is chock full of wadded up pee clothes, her bed linens stink to high heaven, and she's telling me she has no idea how any of this happens.

I, of course, freaking lose it.

I'm yelling and I'm crying because I'm so fucking frustrated that at almost nine years old, she just refuses to stop this behavior. Then I see it.

I see handwriting all over her purple walls. It's not obvious, oh no, because she has used some magic decoder pen that writes clear ink and you can see it when the sun shines on it.

Again, I lose it.

She then tries to tell me her six year old brother made her do it. Then she said maybe he didn't make her do it but they are HER walls so she should get to do what she wants. Then I see that her closet doors? Oh, she broke the rails to they essentially swing free back and forth. This is after we just fixed them. And THEN, I see she has smeared her pink makeup all into the carpet. (Thankfully, after an hour of soaking and scrubbing, I got it out and you can't really tell unless you're looking for it.)

I took away her beloved American Girl doll, the one that looks like her. She already lost her Nintendo DS and Nook in previous weeks, has yet to earn them back.

Then today, today I really thought it was going to be OK. Then I let her play outside with the neighbor's grandkids who only visit every once in awhile. I make her come in to go pee, in which she declares I'm totally embarrassing and bam- totally wet pants/underwear. So I said that sucks because now she doesn't get to go out to play. She starts yelling at me that I'm the worst mom ever, I'm mean, and slams her door. She is currently upstairs, crying loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear, and I'm down here, silently crying because I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I feel like I'm playing chicken with this child and I feel like she's going to win and then what?

All the while, Matt has either been sleeping (he's got a stomach bug. Love that he gets a nap when he's sick and I've got to tough it out and get demands on what are we eating for supper), or avoiding the whole thing like it's not even happening.

Then it hits me: I think what bothers me the most about Olivia is that she is just like her father. I realize this yesterday as I'm asking Olivia why does she do this? She give me the exact same blank stare, the shrug of the shoulders, the ridiculous excuses that make no sense and lie after lie. Matt does the same thing when he's done something wrong and I've caught him.

I'm just tired, folks. I'm really tired. I'm so exhausted and I feel like every single day of my life I'm constantly fighting a battle I can't win. Not that its ever right to hurt or god forbid, kill your child, but I understand now why parents want to walk away sometimes. If anyone had told me this is what parenting was going to be like, I most likely would never have had kids. But then I see Jackson who though he can try my patience almost as bad as Olivia, it's different with him. At least I feel like I can reason with him and get him to understand why you have to pee in the toilet, for instance. And that? That's what makes this so much worse. Because it's times like this where I feel like a terrible person for favoring one kid over the other but love them equally. So hard. It's just another rough day. Things will get better, I just really hate everything right now. It's like I can feel depression looking for this opportunity to come settle in.

Phil, John, and Dance.

So, I went to empty my camera tonight and holy hell- there is so much you don't know! A lot has happened in the last two months, so I've got to catch you up.

Way back in November, I treated my mom and my Uncle Ron to a John Mayer concert. I have been wanting to see him since 2009 or 2010, whenever his Battle Studies album was being toured, but I didn't have money. I really didn't this time either, but to hell with it. I was going to make it happen because his opener? Phillip Phillips. Let me just tell you I love him. Wonky kidneys and all, love.

 And he's just so great live. You can tell he loves what he does and he loves his fans. I sang through everything. It's always nice to see the crowd appreciate an opening act.

 Then John came on. Which, I was a little worried how it would be since every thing I heard on the radio in regards to his tour said basically- no hits from the past.  His voice wasn't 100% recovered from surgery and all of that so he'd be sticking to his newer things. Which is fine, I actually loved his last two albums that most people didn't, but they are really pretty solid.

The good news is that those radio people turned out to be morons because he sang things from every album! YAY!

 Visually, it was a pretty stunning concert. It had almost a Smashing Pumpkins a la Mellon Collie years to it, but seeing as that's one of my favorite albums of all time, I'm all right with that.

 We of course, sang to every single song.

 I can't even tell you how much I loved this concert. If you have never seen John Mayer live, you need to fix that immediately. I was kind of bummed he didn't sing "Walt Grace", but that's OK. Next time, right? But it was nice because this broke my concert lull because I haven't gone to many this year. I did see Beyonce a few months back with my friend Amy and Beyonce is the queen. Seriously. I wasn't even a huge Beyonce fan before, but now that I have seen her live? I will bow down- she dominates every other female in the business.

So that was that.

 Oh yes, completely late now, but we decorate our house for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving. The kids always get new pajamas so here they are modeling them. Stinking adorable.

Olivia had her winter dance recital too. I don't know if I have fully told you how much I love that she is in dance. I love how it's non competitive and it really is just to have fun, but part of me kind of wishes we could get all dance mom on people. HA! One of my favorite people, Andrea, is a fellow dance mom and she's there every Tuesday. I seriously think I would go insane without my Tuesdays. We haven't gone in like two weeks now and I'm going through withdrawals. Anyways.

 So yes, Olivia's recital. Isn't she just the god damn cutest??

 It's her knobby knees that just kill me. I love it.

I was trying to get her to do a dancing move for me, and this is what she does. You'll notice it's exactly what she did in her "strike a pose" part of the routine. Every time I watch her, I'm laughing, but I'm kind of crying, and I am usually screaming like a maniac. I don't care, I just love that she loves dance so much.

So that was basically my November and part of December in a nut shell. More soon loves.

Harvest Run = Redemption

So, do any of you remember my last two runs? The fun Neon Run and then the one I came in dead fucking last? When I say "dead fucking last", I really mean "long after the old people and small children finished".

Well that was shameful and I knew I had to redeem myself. So I signed up for the Harvest Run. I've done this one before and they have a really amazing course, gorgeous along the shore of Lake Superior, and the finish is at Fitger's Brewhouse which means I'll get a burger and fries at the end. So worth it. Well I signed up for it, but Olivia said she wanted to sign up for the kid run too, which was only 1K, and I thought- awesome mommy and daughter bonding experience!

So I signed us both up. And then did not train. At all. Like a MORON. I seriously felt like not even going to the damn race because I was so grossly unprepared but I thought, no.... I paid fees, I'm getting a shirt, and Olivia wanted to go. So we went.

While waiting for the train to come (because you get to take the train to the start- pretty cool), I saw this lady behind me. She has what appears to be a hand made headband that had "Duck Commander" written on it? I think it's something to do with Duck Dynasty, but she doesn't have a beard so it's odd. Then after I saw the guy dressed as a storm trooper, I think that maybe they are the only two that thought this was a dress up run? Um, no. It is not a dress up run.

While in line for the train, Olivia and I posed in our shirts next to the lake. Freezing. It was freezing.

Then we got on the train. Only I would be getting off, but your family/spectators can ride and watch the start. They get dropped back off at the finish, and Matt said by the time they got there the first people were finishing the race. CRAZY.

As it turns out, I had signed up to walk this race instead of run. Which was fine because oh hell no I was in no shape to run a full 5K. But I only had two goals for this race: do not finish last being the important one, and then finish before the storm trooper. If I got beat by a storm trooper, I should just stop all together. 

 So off we went. It turns out there were a bunch of walkers. All of which were incredibly slow. Like I got to the half mile mark and I could no longer even see them. So then I thought, I'm just going to do a light jog. It was basically a fast walk with more arm movement. And I didn't die. I felt pretty good and had to really slow down in some spots, but overall I felt like I was booking it. I was actually passing people who were full fledged running who looked like maybe they weren't doing so hot.

And before I knew it, I was done. I thought I had gotten my best time but no, my best time ever for a 5K was 41 minutes and some seconds, but this was a respectable finish for me.

I didn't even feel super exhausted at the end, either. I felt pretty good. The best part? Is that I won. 

I actually won FIRST PLACE for the walkers. Which, you might scoff at that, but I have never won first place in anything athletic, ever. (Unless you could the time I won first place in a baton tossing competition but it was blind luck that I caught that toss and it would never be repeated again.) I didn't know they were giving out prizes for walkers, so when I heard my name called, I may or may not have yelled, "Holy shit! That's ME!" A bunch of guys sitting on the deck of Fitgers laughed at me, but it was a big deal. I got a medal AND a gift card which I'm going to use to buy new shoes. But it was pretty awesome. Oh- AND I passed the storm trooper. But a LOT. Phew.

 After my race, I got Olivia ready for hers. She has done a few running things but a 1K was further than she's gone and because I don't understand the metric system, I told her the wrong distance. Whoops.

 But she is an awesome little kid and she just ran her little heart out. She took off and she said not only did she not fall (she's a bit clumsy) but she only stopped and walked for a few seconds and took off again.

 There's my girl crossing the line.

 And afterwards, she said she felt good and wants to do it again. So every time I'm racing and there's a kid option I'll see if she wants to do it. I'm trying to do things to promote being healthy versus exercising to lose weight with her.

Overall it was a really nice October morning. We both got some exercise in, didn't totally freeze but came close, and had the boys cheering us on. I haven't run since (shocker) but it's days like this that make me wish I'd just stick with it. My next challenge is running in the cold. I know people do it and can handle it but I don't do well with cold and I wish I could afford a gym membership just so I could run indoors during the really long winter here. I was set to go out this morning but it was 38 degrees and raining. No thanks.

Bonding Over Beauty (GIVEAWAY)

It's time for another book review and this one is a giveaway!

Bonding Over Beauty- Erika Katz

Makeup, skin care, shaving, hair color, periods--the tween years are full of landmines for moms.



As the mom of a tween girl, you know what's coming: puberty. As your daughter enters the teen years and exerts her independence, will you suddenly seem out of touch? Will she turn to her friends for advice before coming to you?


The tween years present a golden opportunity for you to start a dialogue and gain your daughter's confidence--to talk to her about the things she cares about and show her they are equally important to you too. How you deal with the sticky ''grown-up'' issues early on will determine the nature of your relationship with your daughter for years to come.


No mom wants to hear, ''Mom, you just don't get me, and you have no idea what I'm going through!'' followed by a door slam. Erika's comprehensive beauty guide on hair, skin, makeup, hair removal, puberty, and more will help you open the doors of communication and give you great bonding activities for you to do with your daughter.


With Bonding over Beauty, you'll have the knowledge and tools to create bonds that will last a lifetime.

I will say I was super excited to review this book obviously because I'm a mother of a six year old daughter who is now in school. It's only been a month or so since school started and I've already been asked questions about makeup, and she is already very particular on how she wants to look when she gets to school. While I cringe at some of the things she wants to wear, I am trying my best to let her develop her own style and sense of being. But it's really hard. And I am finding that while I can tell her about makeup and hair and all of these things.... I would much rather be doing it with her so we establish our own mom/daughter time. I really hope that in a few years she'll use that time to talk to me about things that are bothering her or ask me questions.. instead of asking her friends.

This book is excellent for that. Not only does it give really good information about hair and skin care, but it gives you things that you can be doing with your daughter. How to take a talk about hair and turn it into a bonding time for you and your daughter. My first reaction to reading the book was that I was annoyed it was all about beauty. I try to raise my daughter that while it's great to be pretty, it's better to be smart and have confidence in your own abilities. But the more I thought about each chapter and how I would realistically use it, I thought of some ways to make it work for my daughter as well.

In fact, Olivia and I have gone on some mommy/daughter "dates" and we bought her some new hair accessories after she said she would really like to wear fun barrettes and flowers in her hair. We've always painted our nails together but this past weekend we tried the face mask recipe in the book and she thought that was hilarious and fun. But during that time we were able to talk about the kids in her class and some of her friends. I feel like I have a better talk with her when it's just me and her and we're doing things her brother and dad don't get to do.

I also have to say that while reading this book my first thought is that this would be an excellent book to give to a dad who is raising a daughter without a mom in the picture. Think about it- did your dad know how to tell you which makeup to buy? How to moisturize your skin? When to shave? No. I know for a fact mine didn't! But this would be a really great resource for him for when his daughter does ask those questions or has some interest in doing these things. It would help him realize that it's totally normal!

So... who wants a copy? I have one copy to giveaway to one of my fabulous readers and all you have to do is comment! Leave me a comment letting me know you would like to win (and be sure to include your email if it's not listed in your profile). You have to be a follower through Google Friend Connect as well! The winner will be announced on Friday!

Six years.

WINNER of the Prenatal Pilates DVD is: (using random.org.. it said #6. This would be..... Kattrina!! I have her mailing information since we're pen pals through another blog!)

It's been six years since she went from this:

 to this:

 Today Olivia is officially six. You can read about her birth story here. It's true when they say you never forget the details of your pregnancy, labor or delivery, or the exact feelings of overwhelming love you feel when you first see the child you made. Though I struggled with post partum depression for her first year, I still look at pictures and my heart aches for all of the times I would pick her up and just admire the fact that I made this little person.

 And every time she hit a milestone I was so proud of her that I could barely keep it to myself. I looked forward to playing with her every day and hearing her squeal when she was over the moon happy and of course, her non stop giggle when I would bite her little toes.

 And god knows I've had my fair share of tantrums and parenting melt downs when she would refuse to poop for no reason. I've stayed up at night worrying if I was doing a good enough job or stressing about a decision I had to make for her.

 And as she has gotten older my heart hurts because I realize that all of the times I had said, "I can't wait until she's older so we could do ______ together" I should have been enjoying those moments at the time. They go so quick and sometimes I wonder where the hell the time actually went.

 I look back at pictures of times that brought me the most joy or the times that I felt so unprepared for motherhood and all of the memories come flooding back. When I brought her home I distinctly remember Green Days "Wake Me Up (when September ends)" was on the radio and it was a gorgeous fall day. I remember coming home thinking- all I have to do is keep her alive. And oh how I struggled.

But we're six years into it. I feel much more confident in myself as a parent and I at least feel like I'm doing a good job. Olivia has turned into such a smart, beautiful, caring, funny little girl and I can't imagine what my life would be like without her.

 She's losing the "baby" features and now when I look at her I'm taken aback by how big she looks. She is my little crafting buddy who likes to sing and tell me jokes. She's super smart and is anxious to get even smarter. She's a girly girl all the way and she is everything I had hoped for when I knew I was going to have a daughter. And quite honestly, even realizing I'm a parent to two kids shocks even myself because I don't really see myself as being old enough to have two kids. But I do and they are the best.

So happy birthday, Olivia. You light up my world in ways I didn't know a person could. You make me want to be a better mom and I enjoy the time we have together. I love you to the moon and back and even past Neptune my little Sunshine.

New Stuff, Piercing

So I got a ton of stuff done this weekend to put into my Etsy shop, so for the next few posts you are going to see me pimping it out. Last night my set went almost immediately, which is awesome, so one of you needs to buy this:

Aren't these cute???? My local scrapbook store is closing (big sad face here) and so I've been going there every few days to grab up what I can on clearance. So I came across this pear stamp which was cute...but then I saw the pear paper. HAD TO GET IT. And I realize...I may never use this stamp again. But that's better than having virgin stamps. Which I totally have and WILL eventually use. So do you love them? Like really love them? Then go and buy them. You know you want to..

Anyways. For the last two weeks, Olivia has been asking to get her ears pierced. I've asked her before and she's always said absolutely not because I'm honest and I told her it would probably hurt. Apparently- she didn't care because there is another girl in preschool who has her ears pierced. And now it's what the cool kids do and she wanted it done. Matt and I talked to her about it, she knew it was going to hurt, etc and I told her fine, she could get it done.

I didn't think she'd actually do it since we have to hold her down for regular shots.

So on Saturday Matt and I took the kids up to the mall and Olivia was beyond excited. So much so that we had to tell her to stop talking about it otherwise we weren't doing it. It was seriously non-stop. We get to Claire's and when I told the sixteen year old girl about needing to get a piercing done she totally looked petrified. Which didn't help. We had to wait 20 minutes for a manager, which was fine.

When it came time, Olivia hopped up into the chair, totally bouncing when she got her ears cleaned, they put the dot on, and I'm filling out paperwork.

She made it clear to the lady she wanted to hold the bear- so there she is, clutching the bear.

We told them we wanted both ears done at the same time, which was just fine. (Thank you to everyone on FB who suggested this- you are wise and awesome) She picked out silver balls and they got everything ready. So you see the two ladies getting ready to pierce her while Matt holds her hand. And then they did it. At first...nothing. As soon as the ladies moved away...

Totally understandable. Tell me that face doesn't break your heart??

But then I kept telling her we were all done and that she needs to look in the mirror...and she was THRILLED. Seriously. Tears instantly stopped and she kept looking from side to side. So while Matt went to pay for them I took her over to the earring carousel and explained to her that if we take good care of them she could get big girl earrings.

She immediately tells me she wants the big balls (the size of quarters) and the huge feathers. Um... fashion diva?? *sigh* She is not wearing those. I couldn't have "dangly" earrings until I was 13 for god sakes.