And suddenly it all came to me.

I've really been struggling lately and I think I've gotten to a point where my angry is at full steam. As it turns out getting to that point has been beneficial because I've been writing like mad. So much so that I am ALMOST DONE WITH MY BOOK. I am not even kidding, I am legitimately almost done with it and I cannot believe it. My goal is to finish it by my birthday (March 10). It won't be edited and proofread yet of course, but the core of the book will be finished. In order for me to get to that point I still have a few things I need to do:

1. Regression Therapy: I've read a lot about regression therapy and I've seen a lot of trauma survivors use this as part of their recovery. I have also seen that it's a mixed bag of results. Some people find tremendous value in it and it gives them the clarity they were seeking. But on the end of the spectrum there are the people who either don't find any benefit from it, or worse, it's reliving the trauma and detrimental and damaging to them. For every good story you find two more bad ones. Basically, I'm really taking a gamble by doing this but I really want to try it. I'm already passively suicidal and in the depths of depression, how much worse can it get at this point? If you aren't familiar, regression therapy is a form of psychotherapy that, through hypnosis/deep relaxation, they bring you to an earlier time or even a past life to help you resolve issues from then that could be beneficial to you now. My therapist didn't tell me I was nuts but I got the feeling she isn't totally sold on it, so we'll see.

2. Email interviews with two doctors: I have some questions that Matt can't answer and as soon as I found the paper I wrote them on I'm going to email my doctors and get their take on it. I've talked to some nurses already to get some memories or comments from them, because in my research of nonfiction books that get published, they want input from people other than the person writing it. And that makes sense because of my favorite nonfiction that's been true.

3. Make sure the book has the correct timeline of events: I went through my entire medical record for 2016 AND 2017 and made a time line of notes, appointments, milestones, etc. It was actually pretty daunting and reading some of the doctor notes broke me down a bit. Some of the notes from the doctor the day of my AFE are heartbreaking. I know what a tremendous event it was but every time I read it all I cry and I have a hard time processing it. It still feels like I'm reading about a stranger that it couldn't have happened to me. It makes the feeling that I'm in the wrong body feel stronger and I feel more crazy.

4. Query letters. You guys. I've been reading about query letters, how to write them, and what to do with them. I know that I'm going to get a LOT or rejections and not hear from even more, but I feel like I'm going to throw up on my desk thinking about actually sending them out. I  just don't want to mess up. I really want to be published. I don't let myself think about the what ifs because I know anything about that end of the book world and I know it's not a fast process at all, and I just really want this to be a thing that happens in my life. GAH! So yes. I'm thinking about all of this. Obsessively.

So yes. I'm writing. Do you have suggestions on something you really want to see in my book? Like if you came to read one thing, what would it be? 

The Adventures of Jewel Cardwell

Here's a book with a super creepy, pull-you-in-cover.

The Adventures of Jewel Cardwell - Fumi Hancock

When free-spirited and more than a little rebellious, seventeen-year-old Jewel Cardwell gained admission to Grayton Preparatory School, a prestigious, girls-only, top-notch private institution nestled in the South African farmlands of Limpopo, little did she know it would begin a trail of mysterious and unfamiliar events, changing her life forever! At Grayton prep, a battle line is drawn between ‘good and evil’ especially when there’s a full moon and dark forces swirl and turn up in the form of hideous monsters and frightening demons. With her school fr-nemies, rivalry and treachery become the order of the day and Jewel is forced to question everything she thought she knew as she struggles to stay alive in a dubious place riddled with demonic activity! Armed with a magical secret from her dying grandmother, a golden locket, she sets a new course in motion. In the middle of this whirlwind of events, she is caught between two boys: Darwin Morton, a lad she's known growing up, and Eric Broder, a soccer team leader with a silver spoon in his mouth. Why her love life has to get interesting now is a question she can't answer!

Right away this reminded me of the Harry Potter series because Jewel is cursed and she is immediately sent away to Grayton Preparatory School. The thing though is that I didn't think Jewel was as lovable as Harry because honestly? She's a bit of a brat and you can bet she's probably a handful at home. Armed with a chilling family secret passed onto her from her dying grandmother and this locket, she is quickly in the middle of a pretty harrowing adventure. And while her parents think she's going to a safe place, the place is basically a doorway to Hell with all of the demonic forces/evil lurking everywhere. 

Some problems with this book for me is that Jewel is a really angry person and for no real reason. In fact, her mother really is too and I just didn't understand any of that. A lot of the writing seemed a bit forced for me and honest to god, if I saw one more exclamation mark I was going to lose it. Those should be sporadic and reserved, you shouldn't count on there being two per page. Nothing is that exciting. I've seen some very rave reviews for this book and none of them really rang true with me. Sure, the book is good and there is enough to keep you going through it, but compared to some other YA books I've read recently, I'd have to put this one lower on the list. That's not to say you won't like it because if you are a big YA fan, you will love this. It certainly is not a boring book, there is a LOT of story happening in a relatively short book so if you prefer action packed books, definitely pick this one up. 

Review done for Pump Up Your Book

A Lighter Shade of Gray (Giveaway)

No homieoats, I'm not depressed nor am I going to talk about being all down and out. Instead, this is a book review. You'll live.

A Lighter Shade of Gray-Devon Pearse

What does it feel like to stare into the face of madness? Or to anticipate your own? Would you drive away your only love? Could you pretend it didn’t matter? How far would you go to protect a friend, or to avenge a death? Ten years ago, Devon gave up the love of her life, fearing she would one day fall victim to the mental illness that has slowly ravaged the mind of her mother, who is now being cared for in a private facility. Just when it seems Devon might have a chance to make up for past mistakes, her best friend Cass becomes a suspect in the murder of her sister’s drug-dealing boyfriend. Devon knows Cass is lying about the details of her involvement and the lead detective on the case, convinced that Cass is guilty, is relentless in his pursuit of justice. When her mother’s young, emotionally disturbed roommate insinuates she knows something about the night of the murder, as well as details from Devon’s own life that no one else is privy to, Devon becomes desperate to uncover the truth before Detective Lake does. As the investigation continues, Devon is led down a path she never expected and forced to face her greatest fears of life and love. Tangled in a web of lies, regrets and questions, can she find a way to let go of the past and start again? And, once the mystery is solved, can she live with the secrets she’s uncovered?

OK. Let me tell you what about this book I did not like before I tell you my final thoughts on the book. First off, I have to be honest, the main character's name is Devon Pearse.. the same as the author. I actually had to stop and look this book up online to see if it's a memoir because it just seemed weird. But no, it's a novel. So that was kind of bizarre and then switching your mentality from memoir to novel is really freaking difficult. 

The other thing was that this took me FOREVER to get into. It is 470 pages so that's daunting for any reader, even one like me who eats an entire book in a day, but this took me days to get into. I got to the point where I was going to give up because the story line with Cass is just too lame and I wasn't buying it and I feel like the author is waging a war on what kind of book she wants, a murder mystery or a story about a woman battling her demons. Those are both hefty story lines and to take on both is a daunting task. 

You're saying, "But Sara, why did you keep reading?" I'll tell you why. The story line of Devon's life being put on hold because of her fear of inheriting her mother's mental illness and how she missed out on the love of her life who suddenly comes back hooked me. If the story had been mostly that, I would have been in love and read that baby in a matter of hours. 

I did finish the book and I'm going to tell you what- I was happy and devastated at the end. Devon and Drew.. I can't even tell you because it ruins it. But my heart BROKE because a part of me is a romantic and believes in the hope that there is some guy out there for all of us who will worship us and give his life to us and yeah. Swoon. So here I am on a Sunday afternoon, in bed, eating Hot Tamales and crying my god damn eyes out for fictional characters. 

So here's what I'm going to tell you. If you are not scared of heavy plot lines, 470 pages and like rooting for the underdog, you should absolutely read this book. If you're just a casual book reader you should probably skip it because you won't like it. But I will say this- this ended up being an unexpectedly good book for me. I felt satisfied at the end, and though all of the plot lines had me concerned, Devon pulled them all together and sealed the book off really well. 

SO. For those of you who aren't afraid, I'm able to give away ONE copy to a US/Canada reader. Here's how you can enter for your chance to win- 

Leave a comment on this post saying you want to win and leave me your email address. 

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Giveaway ends MONDAY, JUNE 25. Good luck!