Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Book Review: How To Get Divorced by 30- My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage

Before I get into my post (seriously- my first paragraph's are turning into fucking monologues. What the hell is up with that???) I have to respond to a comment that was left on last night's post by AaronBillyMacHarlan. He mentioned that he did a post about me, and USUALLY that means someone is a pervert trying to link me to asian porno or a reader is giving me an award. I mean both are appreciated in their own way, don't get me wrong. (I'm not really into asian porn folks, so if you want to switch it up, feel free.) no- Aaron said he wrote about me and I, as I always am when people post me little tidbits like this, was interested.

So I go there. Thankfully, Aaron wasn't selling porno even though his title "Confessions of a Massively Overweight Prostitute" kind of scared me. I can't even lie about this. And then I thought (as page was loading) maybe he's offering me a job. Except I'm not massively overweight, so I don't know if I'd meet the needs of his clientele. But then I wonder who that clientele might be and then I felt like throwing up my breakfast.

Anyways. He did a bang up job on the article, which I, as your lambwhore and goatslut leader, am telling you to check out. HERE. And Aaron- I live in Wisconsin but like 5 minutes from Minnesota, and even though you don't like chicks I'm glad you like me. You might not meet me, but I might actually be blogging in the bushes near your house. But the fact you think I'm on par with Chelsea Handler? King of the Goat Sluts. I swear to you that if I had like a crown with goats and stuff...I'd give it to you. Or put it in your driveway. Whatever. And he ends by calling me a neglected housewife which I think is a fabulous description which is a great tie in to...

(drum roll, bitches)

My book review of Sascha Rothchild's How To Get Divorced By 30: My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage. Now, I need to tell you the reason I bought the book. So about two weeks before my whiner post I was at Barnes and Noble. I'm walking through with Matt and the kids and BAM! This book literally falls at my feet. So obviously because I'm fantastic citizen, I go to pick it up and see the cover.

I'm pretty sure it sang to me. Not only is the cover the fucking hotness as far as looks (because I judge books by covers. Sue me.) but the title? Is my life. I obviously took a picture on my phone and sent it to a few people who all thought I was crazy. So I didn't buy it.

Fast forward to a week ago and while I'm moping around being all pissed off and wanting to spend money on shit I don't need, I thought of the book. So I drove 20 minutes to Barnes and Noble and bought the book. And a Member Rewards card thingie. Whatevers- the cashier was hot and I'm pretty sure I was hypnotized.

So I read this book in two nights flat and Sascha needs to be my marriage coach. The book is broken up into steps on how to get divorced. And it was funny because I related to every chapter.

STEP ONE: Jump from your horrible early-20s relationship right into a mid-20s relationship without learning or growing or pondering what you really want out of a mate — then marry that person. By your late 20s, you’ll realize you were merely over-correcting the first person’s flaws and that the one you married is just as wrong for you as the one you didn’t, but in very different ways.

Not only is this step relevant to just my marriage but it's basically describing all three relationships I've had. Another line in the book that struck a chord was "But although fading fervor is normal, there also has to be a little jealously, a little insecurity, and a little possessiveness." And I agree. Totally. I know really, Matt thinks he can't do any better than me, which may or may not be true, so he wouldn't leave. He'd rather settle and be unhappy forever. Now me on the other hand am the opposite. I may never get married again, but by fucking god I have to think it's possible for me to be in a relationship with someone and not dread coming home. I'm not a jealous person but back in the day- if Matt was eyeing up a chick I'd immediately compare myself. Now I'm secretly begging he'd just cheat so I'd have an excuse out and not look like an asshole. I try very hard to have a social life now because I realized that by not having one from age 19-27 I was killing myself. I missed EVERYTHING that 20 something assholes do. I'm not saying I want to be puking and on the verge of death in the bathroom of a seedy bar and wondering where my underwear went. I just would have liked the opportunity. But now when I go out- if Matt is every jealous I have no idea. I have no idea if he feels anything ever because I don't hear about it. I sometimes feel like I have a better emotional relationship with my gay cat than I do my husband.

In all there are 30 steps and each one is funnier and funnier, but more sad. But it's only sad if you are in say, a happy marriage. Or are a newlywed. But if you have hit the 5 year mark in your marriage and wake up 5 out of 7 days hoping that your spouse has moved their stuff out while you were sleeping and left an optional note- you might enjoy this book. If you plan events and kind of hope your spouse backs out so you can bring a kick ass friend and pretend to be hot and single, this book is for you. If you already have at least one marriage under the table by age 30 you will love this book. If you are a guy who never wants to get married you should read this book to know where and when you should start fucking up.


Danielle said...

I'm definitely going to add this book to my "To Read List!" Thanks! Although I have never been married, it still sounds like good knowledge to have! I also bought a Barnes and Noble Member Rewards Card thing - for the same reasons, the guy was nice eye candy and I didn't realize what I was doing. Ugh ... better get buying some books! Maybe this will be my first! :)

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Sara. You're killing me. Seriously.

First of all, I told myself that after I read your blog I am turning my computer off and reading more of Shutter Island (which is addicting, by the way, I've been thinking about it all day). Instead I have to go check out this blog you suggested. And if you're kidding and it's really porn... well, I hope it's good porn. Seriously.

SECOND, please stop recommending books that I want to read. Because my list of books I want to read is a MILE long. And getting longer. Because of you. I never knew ANYONE who seems to go through books faster than I do. I think you're my soulmate. I think we should ditch our hubbies and live together in a library. But we can bring our pets. And your kids. Because your kids are hella cute.

That is all.

Novel over.

Jandy xx said...

OMG girlfriend, thats our book!!!!!!!!!! (don't tell anyone that i'm nearly 32)

and how freaking awesome is having a blog all about you! i'm annoyed I didn't think of it first! xx

KenKen said...

Hello - Read your blog. Where in Wisconsin are from. I was born in Madison.

KenKen said...

Hey, I read your blog. Where in Wisco are you from? I was born in Madison.

Julie H said...

Wow sounds like the book for me to read!

AaronBillyMacHarlan said...

Hey goat whore thanks for not suing me for blogging about you even though I called you neurotic and a neglected housewife. And it turns out I get more comments from your friends on my blog than anyone else so amen to you and your posse.

I thought I needed to recommend "how to get divorced by 30" to my sister who's 30 and on her second roller-coaster marriage but then realized I don't need to give her any encouragement in that department- I would likely end up being held responsible for breaking up her marriage.

Chicken said...

LOVE this. And it sounds like you were following me into that bar bathroom in my twenties. And having a serious(ly) horrible relationship prior to the love of my life Mr. Chicken. I would probably enjoy this read. I hope I never wake up to my husband gone. But that ass in my past, ya I often wondered how much prision time I would get if he didn't wake up...joking :)