South Superior Birds Retaliate

You know I'm all about cutting costs where I can. This summer I decided that spending $20 on a bag of bird food that lasts MAYBE 3 days is obscene. Some of these birds are looking pretty big, with the one that doesn't fly well anyway struggling even more. He will probably get killed by the psychotic cat from next door or hit by someone on a bicycle. If birds could read I would have a sign that said "Not All You Can Eat" because I am going broke trying to ward off famine on local birds. Plus, the kids like to watch them eat.

My solution? Walmart actually had bags of bird seed in the $1 section. No joke. I thought- god has seen my struggle but appreciates the sentiment so is putting bird seed on sale. THANK YOU! I was so excited, thinking the birds are going to be all happy to have a bird feeder stocked and loaded all of the time and I will become the Old Country Buffet for birds.

Well guess what? Those unthankful, ungracious bastards of birds are NOT happy. They made their gross bird noises next to my open windows at all hours, bang into the windows, etc. And now because I haven't responded to them, this is what I see this morning:

Let me assure you- my van was COVERED, this was just the first one I saw. No matter where I move my van- I am now a target.

The birds are also doing their destructive pooping on my daughter's second floor window. The screen was covered and I had to spray that off from the inside because guess what? It fucking smells to high heaven.

I apologize birds if this food gives you the runs. Really. It's gross, I get it. But you know what? I'm not rich. You are no longer getting the expensive stuff- find another home. Stop shitting on all of my stuff because that will get you nowhere. I'm in this house for a long time bitches so I will win this war.