Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Being high on bleach makes you a rock star.

If you read my Facebook statuses over the course of the weekend you would have been wowed with my amazingness. Seriously. I was out.of.control with the cleaning and it has made such a freaking difference in my house. But it wasn't just because I like to clean. Which I do. I just wasn't feeling it.

Until Saturday. When my sister in law dyed my hair for me. I'm back to the darker 'do I was sporting a few months ago. Unlike last time, my hair required two boxes of at home mix, which I think started the whole thing. I didn't realize that I was essentially huffing hair dye because the door was half shut and the heater was blowing warm air and so when I went to rinse my hair I was feeling pretty damn fine.

So fine that I was oblivious to the fact I had gotten hair dye.. everywhere. The floor, the door, the closet door, the toilet paper roll, the toilet, the tub, the sink, and the window. How.. I'm not sure. I have no recollection of really rinsing my hair so who knows. But what I do know is that scrubbing dye out of these surfaces is really hard. Regular cleaners didn't do. I had to bust out my Clorox cleaner with bleach. It's like my favorite thing ever because I kind of like the smell of bleach.

So on Sunday I was so effing excited to scrub that bathroom that I was just spraying everything. Every surface was sprayed with bleach. Of course I had the door shut, didn't open a window because it was fucking freezing outside and had the heat blowing away. I think I may have started singing some Ke$ha tunes. Only towards the end did I wonder if hair dye had ammonia in it and I know you shouldn't mix that with bleach and wow- I'm feel super.

So super that I decided I'm going to ruin Matt's entire Sunday by making him do multiple runs to Target. First I sent him there to get those hooks with the sticky back so I can hang up the kids' jackets and shit by the door. We can't use the porch (I'll elaborate on that) during the winter months, so it ends up being a pile by the front door and frankly, when I'm high on bleach, that kind of stuff won't be tolerated. So Matt is at Target getting hooks for me. He's also making a run to Menards because I decided hey- let's paint the closet doors that haven't been painted in the 3 years since we've put them up! YAY!

He comes home when I had an epiphany.

I want my coffee table back god dammit! The only way to do that is to negotiate with the TV and buy him his own TV stand. Yes. So I send Matt to get me a TV stand that doesn't look ghetto, has squares, doors, same color as our faux wood tables and bookshelf, that's not too big but not pissy small either and something I can't kill. Those were my exact instructions.

He's gone for like 40 minutes (Target is like 5 minutes from our house) and comes back with a satisfactory item. At that time I think, hey! Let's get some real fucking lamps in this bitch! YES! Ones that aren't hot glued and duct taped together because the cats thing they are lions trying to eat them.

So I send Matt back to Target for lamps. When he came back I was in the middle of cooking dinner but I decided that we HAD TO HAVE the new TV stand put together before dinner. So as I'm burning dinner and watching Food Network "Worst Cooks In America" (oddly appropriate) he's trying to put this piece of shit furniture together. And then I decided we had to start moving furniture.

He could have protested. It would have been a wasted effort and after almost seven years of marriage he gets that now.

If you remember what the living room looked like before, you can see it's a huge difference.

 I could probably be a decorator on HGTV if I was high on bleach all the time.

I also cleaned out Olivia and Jackson's room, each garnering a full bag of garbage coming out of the rooms. I did more laundry than one person should ever have to do. And I cleaned the upstairs closet. AGAIN. Because for some reason it's the dumping zone for stuff Matt doesn't know where it belongs. Annoying. I was on such a roll it was ridiculous.

And then I noticed the crack in the wall in the living room is like a legit crack now.
And for those of you who are demanding pictures of my front porch that looks like an earthquake victim but isn't because we live in Wisconsin? You'll notice the seems of the wall are all cracked.. and then random cracks are everywhere..
 If you look at the bottom of the window you can see how much it has bent because of all the freeze/thaw shit that happens here.
 Whoa- Mr. Wall is busting out of his pants.
When we moved in we seriously could not understand why the walls in the front porch were a drywall wit a faux wood panel glued to it. Like, you bought the drywall that way. Well, CLEARLY it's because that shit was so thick it didn't crack. Stupid us.

So after we spent $250 on two new windows (now bent) and god knows how much on all new drywall.. it's all got to be redone. ONLY AFTER we get gutters and put some kind of insulation shit around the house since hey- we have a crawlspace. Um... we're talking hundreds, if not thousands of dollars by the time we fix it all.

If we're being honest, I'm probably going to get high so I forget about this all together. :)

(on the plus side?? My birthday is on March 10th.. let the countdown begin BABY!!)


Jennifer Kay said...

Dude your house is so fricking cute, I especially love your cozy little living room with all the cool colors and matching...I have a brown sofa and a navy blue chair with really nothing on the walls but a clock. I'm SUCH A LOSER!!!

Julie H said...

I love clorox clean up, that stuff is awesome. I have ruined a lot of shirts though!

Unknown said...

I totally need to try the bleach-fume-cleaning method. And I also need your decorating skills!! Your living room looks great!
My house looks horrible right now and I need to catch up on a week's worth of laundry. Bottle of bleach, here I come!!!

Anonymous said...

dude. you have structural dammage if the cracks are that big!

you have a super cute place though!

Shirley said...

Whenever I was pregnant I used to sniff PineSol. Sometimes I still do so I don't keep it in the house. Love the living room redo!

Ang said...

awesome - being high on bleach is GREAT! I love the smell of it too!
I love the living room, it looks simply divine. The cracks suck though...

I looked at your MTV Cribs post with the tour of your house... super cute, I love the kitchen/dining room areas - that little window is awesome!

Oilfield Trash said...

Ouch, those cracks are painful. Why painful you ask, well because it takes $$$ to fix them that is why it is painful.

Like the new tv stand though.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha! I suddenly don't feel so bad for making BF run out for things... I don't think I've ever made him go out that much. Those are some crazy cracks everywhere!

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Ugh I HATE the smell of bleach. It honestly makes me want to throw up. I accidentally dumped a bottle on the bathroom floor a few months ago and had the WORST headache. Ew!

Chicken said...

Your living room is adorable. Come do mine!

SarahMarie said...

Your living room is really cute. I like the idea of getting high on bleach - I think I will look into that, because my house really needs a good cleaning, and I'm usually too exhausted by the time the weekend rolls around.....

Dana said...

My boyfriend would not tolerate me if I told him to go out and get all that stuff back and forth! I'd have to do all that shit on my own! Cute living room! Those cracks are pretty major! Don't you hate maintaining a house?!