So I haven't told you about my upcoming visit to the Mayo Clinic, which is tomorrow. I toyed with the idea shortly after I came home, but I was so overwhelmed with appointments so I didn't give it a lot of thought. Then everyone kept telling me I should go and get a second opinion, just in case what I was being told here wasn't the full picture.
And can I be honest?
I'm so tired of feeling like I can't decide for myself what is good enough. Because I feel like, sometimes, I'm the only one rationally thinking. To be honest, I don't think they are going to find a damn thing wrong with me that I don't already know. I don't think I'm special. Yes, I survived an Amniotic Fluid Embolism and that's pretty damn rare, but people don't understand that AFE is an event, it's not an illness. So no, doctors really don't care that I survived it because every one of us all have different things wrong with us in the aftermath. Some are just fine, some are more debilitated, and some are just like me. But no, doctors don't want to see me because I survived some fantastical thing.
The plan right now is for me to do a full day of labs and see the Endocrinology specialists while I'm there. As it turns out, Neurology doesn't want to see me, and flat out said I'm not bad enough for an appointment. They see people with serious issues, far worse than me, and I get it. I'm just a mom who forgets things, is overwhelmed by life, and I'm not me anymore. I'm still functioning.
So I'm going into this appointment with very low expectations so I can't leave disappointed. I'm kind of annoyed at myself for even going, but then I think what if? What if they give me a new piece of information? Then I guess it wouldn't be a total waste. And considering I have to pay for a hotel and gas to get there, that would be kind of awesome.
But I am nervous to go. I'm nervous to be poked and prodded, and I'm worried I won't remember to tell them something. I have my paperwork completed and a symptom list, but what if I forgot something? What if I'm not including something pertinent because I don't think it's important?
And you know what else is weird? What do I do when I stop seeing doctors every few weeks? Is that it? Because there's an end to all of this and then what do I do? Just weird things I think about.
So I'll update you when I'm back from Mayo. My mom is going with me, Matt is staying here with all of the kids. We figured logistically it'll be easiest that way. So we'll see. Cross your fingers and think good thoughts.
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
This Is Where It Ends (review)
If you follow me on Instagram, you'll see I started this book last week. I bought it on a recent trip to Barnes & Noble solely for the cover. I was wandering the aisles of the teen/young adult area, looking for books that are appropriate for Olivia and I saw this. I saw it and walked away. I ended up walking around it, circling it like a shark for several minutes, until I decided I was going to make the damn purchase and then I started a day or two later.
This is Where It Ends - Marieke Nijkamp
I am kind of a sucker for books where teenagers kill other teenagers. I don't know what my deal is but these books always grab at my heart so it's basically a guaranteed good read for me. I was careful to not read any of the reviews before hand because this felt like I needed to go into this with fresh eyes. You guys know I'm nothing if not honest and I have to tell you, I can only give this book 2/5 stars. And that's being generous.
The strongest complaint about this book is the actual writing, I had to keep checking because I thought perhaps an actual teenager wrote it. Maybe it's supposed to feel like that on purpose, but I have to be honest, it was distracting and made the book feel less consuming. It could have had a much larger impact on a reader, to the point where you buy five copies and start handing them out to people declaring that they absolutely must read this.
This is not going to be that book.
It starts off with kids at school, listening to a boring assembly, and some kids at a track meet. The Principal finishes her assembly and before excusing students, we have the gunman, Tyler, come up and start his frantic and seemingly pointless rampage. The book switches points of view from different students, features some would be tweets and blog posts from people connected to the situation, and it just feels... unbalanced. The entire time I'm reading this book and I feel like we're gearing up for this big finale reveal on why this is all happening. And sure, we get an answer but it's so.... anti-climatic that I felt like we wasted all of this build up. There are also so many passages in the book that are absolutely eye roll worthy. When the shooting happens, the kids at the track practice freak out. One student quickly tells another to "figure out" how to hot wire a car.
Um, why?
Nobody is just going to figure out how to hot wire a car when these are track students, shouldn't they be able to run to get help? I mean, come on.
The author builds up this plot revolving around Sylv and Autumn (the shooter's sister) and we get no real satisfaction with it. All of the events leading up to the shooting are basically skirted around, hinted at, whatever, and it makes it feel like this author was in over her head. You want to write a provocative book? OK, but you better make damn sure you're equipped to handle it. The ending fell completely flat for me. So many loose ends.
And I'd be remiss if I didn't comment on the one thing that is guaranteed to send me right over the edge with teen books: when kids whine about not belonging in the community they live in.
OH SHUT UP, ALREADY.
Maybe if you lived in the Bible belt and you were transgender, I'd get it. But you're just any other kid, moaning about not belonging? Shut up. Seriously. I hate when authors throw this story line in there thinking it'll make the kids reading it feel connected to the writing. It's just so frustrating and makes me feel like instead of writing a gripping book, we're just throwing every cliche into a few pages and then calling it a "must-read". It's not. There are so many other books that approach this topic that do it tremendously well. Do I think teenagers will like it? Yes, I do. But as a parent of a soon-to-be teenager, I didn't find it realistic. Sorry.
This is Where It Ends - Marieke Nijkamp
10:00 a.m. The principal of Opportunity High School finishes her speech, welcoming the entire student body to a new semester and encouraging them to excel and achieve.
10:02 a.m. The students get up to leave the auditorium for their next class.
10:03 a.m. The auditorium doors won't open.
10:05 a.m. Someone starts shooting.
Told from four different perspectives over the span of fifty-four harrowing minutes, terror reigns as one student’s calculated revenge turns into the ultimate game of survival.
The strongest complaint about this book is the actual writing, I had to keep checking because I thought perhaps an actual teenager wrote it. Maybe it's supposed to feel like that on purpose, but I have to be honest, it was distracting and made the book feel less consuming. It could have had a much larger impact on a reader, to the point where you buy five copies and start handing them out to people declaring that they absolutely must read this.
This is not going to be that book.
It starts off with kids at school, listening to a boring assembly, and some kids at a track meet. The Principal finishes her assembly and before excusing students, we have the gunman, Tyler, come up and start his frantic and seemingly pointless rampage. The book switches points of view from different students, features some would be tweets and blog posts from people connected to the situation, and it just feels... unbalanced. The entire time I'm reading this book and I feel like we're gearing up for this big finale reveal on why this is all happening. And sure, we get an answer but it's so.... anti-climatic that I felt like we wasted all of this build up. There are also so many passages in the book that are absolutely eye roll worthy. When the shooting happens, the kids at the track practice freak out. One student quickly tells another to "figure out" how to hot wire a car.
Um, why?
Nobody is just going to figure out how to hot wire a car when these are track students, shouldn't they be able to run to get help? I mean, come on.
The author builds up this plot revolving around Sylv and Autumn (the shooter's sister) and we get no real satisfaction with it. All of the events leading up to the shooting are basically skirted around, hinted at, whatever, and it makes it feel like this author was in over her head. You want to write a provocative book? OK, but you better make damn sure you're equipped to handle it. The ending fell completely flat for me. So many loose ends.
And I'd be remiss if I didn't comment on the one thing that is guaranteed to send me right over the edge with teen books: when kids whine about not belonging in the community they live in.
OH SHUT UP, ALREADY.
Maybe if you lived in the Bible belt and you were transgender, I'd get it. But you're just any other kid, moaning about not belonging? Shut up. Seriously. I hate when authors throw this story line in there thinking it'll make the kids reading it feel connected to the writing. It's just so frustrating and makes me feel like instead of writing a gripping book, we're just throwing every cliche into a few pages and then calling it a "must-read". It's not. There are so many other books that approach this topic that do it tremendously well. Do I think teenagers will like it? Yes, I do. But as a parent of a soon-to-be teenager, I didn't find it realistic. Sorry.
Monday, January 23, 2017
Those Texas Nights (review & giveaway)
*This post contains affiliate links that I may make a commission from; however, all opinions are my own.*
I know it's only January, but I'm "right on track" with my goal of 100 books this year on the Goodreads challenge! It's helpful when I'm reading romance novels because I fly through these quickly, especially anything by Delores Fossen!
Those Texas Nights (Wrangler Creek #1) - Delores Fossen
Do I have to tell you I loved the cover of this book or is it just assumed? Because YUM. I will tell you that when I started this book I got a little worried because how Clay and Sophie meet each other is a little... it's not conventional and I thought that we had hit a real low in romance novels. Basically, Sophie gets dumped the day of her wedding and instead of handling it like a grown up and telling her family, she runs out and decides to go up to a stranger (Clay) and asks him to be her "date" and basically go along with the story that she was seeing him all along. So... you'd rather be seen as a cheating whore versus someone who got dumped? Riiiiight. Seems legit.
Sigh.
But once you get past that, it's actually an endearing book. Not only is she dumped at the altar, but their family business is basically stolen by a family friend/their Godfather/trusted CFO for 40 years, so now she's jobless as well and forced to move back home to Wrangler's Creek. To top it off, her ex-fiance is engaged to (dun, dun, dun) Clay's younger sister!
Cue drama!
I can't give you much more information than this because it'll ruin the story, but I'll tell you I'm giving this one 5 stars. Surely, the beginning is eye roll worthy, but the rest of it was funny, it was sweet, and it was a fun read. I got through this in one evening because I wanted to keep going. I am SO looking forward to the rest of the books in this series, I anticipate they will be as engaging as this one. This has all of the charm of small town living, with some big city characters trying to acclimate, and it's just a really great start to the series.
I highly recommend this read if you want something fun and airy, but want to have the best parts of a romance novel as well! I encourage you to enter the giveaway HERE, but in the meantime, you can follow Delores on her website, Facebook, and Twitter! I'm a big fan of Delores so definitely check out some of her other books as well!
I know it's only January, but I'm "right on track" with my goal of 100 books this year on the Goodreads challenge! It's helpful when I'm reading romance novels because I fly through these quickly, especially anything by Delores Fossen!
Those Texas Nights (Wrangler Creek #1) - Delores Fossen
The Granger siblings thought they'd left their ranching days behind, until fate sends them home to Wrangler's Creek, Texas and into the passionate arms of those they'd least expect
It's some run of bad luck when Sophie Granger loses her business and gets left at the altar all in one day. Desperate to not appear jilted, Sophie begs Clay McKinnon, Wrangler's Creek's smoking-hot police chief, to pretend they're having an affair. But Clay refuses, leaving Sophie to retreat to the family ranch to lick her wounds.
Hoping to leave his disreputable past behind, Clay moved to Wrangler's Creek for a fresh start. But that looks unlikely when Sophie's ex-fiance shows up married to Clay's impulsive kid sister. Overcome, Sophie resuggests the affair but this time for real. Clay is hesitant. City-girl Sophie isn't usually his type. But he can't deny the desire she elicits or his yearning to have her plant her cowboy roots for good.
Do I have to tell you I loved the cover of this book or is it just assumed? Because YUM. I will tell you that when I started this book I got a little worried because how Clay and Sophie meet each other is a little... it's not conventional and I thought that we had hit a real low in romance novels. Basically, Sophie gets dumped the day of her wedding and instead of handling it like a grown up and telling her family, she runs out and decides to go up to a stranger (Clay) and asks him to be her "date" and basically go along with the story that she was seeing him all along. So... you'd rather be seen as a cheating whore versus someone who got dumped? Riiiiight. Seems legit.
Sigh.
But once you get past that, it's actually an endearing book. Not only is she dumped at the altar, but their family business is basically stolen by a family friend/their Godfather/trusted CFO for 40 years, so now she's jobless as well and forced to move back home to Wrangler's Creek. To top it off, her ex-fiance is engaged to (dun, dun, dun) Clay's younger sister!
Cue drama!
I can't give you much more information than this because it'll ruin the story, but I'll tell you I'm giving this one 5 stars. Surely, the beginning is eye roll worthy, but the rest of it was funny, it was sweet, and it was a fun read. I got through this in one evening because I wanted to keep going. I am SO looking forward to the rest of the books in this series, I anticipate they will be as engaging as this one. This has all of the charm of small town living, with some big city characters trying to acclimate, and it's just a really great start to the series.
I highly recommend this read if you want something fun and airy, but want to have the best parts of a romance novel as well! I encourage you to enter the giveaway HERE, but in the meantime, you can follow Delores on her website, Facebook, and Twitter! I'm a big fan of Delores so definitely check out some of her other books as well!
Friday, January 20, 2017
The Darkest Torment (review)
*This post contains affiliate links that I may make a commission from. All opinions are my own.*
The Darkest Torment - Gena Showalter
Alright lambs, just in time for the movie version of the classic, we have Gena Showalter giving us a grown up version of Disney's The Beauty and the Beast, the twelfth installment in her Lords of the Underworld series. I know people are going to tell you that these are stand alone books and that you won't miss much if you don't read them in order, but they are liars. I'm telling you right now you need to read these from the start not just because it's a damn good series, but because there is so much from the lore and backstory that won't make any sense to you if you just jump in on this book. But I'm telling you it's worth the journey because these guys... woo. It's not just my pre-menopausal hot flashes happening in here, lambs!
If you've been keeping up with this series then you know that this is Baden's book. Baden is screwed over by the demon of Distrust so you know that he's going to struggle with distrust on his journey. Enter Katarina, who he basically gets dumped into his lap and dun dun dun....he kind of starts falling for though he shouldn't. Never mind that she gets married to a guy so her dogs aren't tortured, so the whole Baden and Katarina relationship is starting off on a terrible foot. I will say that the biggest complaint about this book for me is I'm not loving Baden and Katarina as a couple at all. I think the author could have really done this so much better and it makes book twelve feel rushed and like not as much care went into planning this book out. And it's not much of a spoiler, but it IS a stretch because I went into this book with the romanticized Beauty and the Beast thoughts in my head, then I read this and OK- she treats him basically like a dog while having sex (because he's not used to touch so she's essentially "training" him) and it's just SO WEIRD. So, so weird and I just couldn't get into it and it was just... it was just a really strange way to get yourself to the Beauty and the Beast comparison. There were SO MANY other ways to do this.
Sigh.
This is one of my least favorite of the series, but I'm not saying it's worth skipping. You need this in your life if you are reading this series. I'm just.. I'm disappointed that this is where we went with Baden. I liked Baden, though my memory of him is kind of foggy because either I missed something big, or it's a plot hole, but I don't know how Baden got into purgatory with Pandora?? Am I missing something? Granted, I read books 1-11 awhile ago but still, I feel like I've forgotten something crucial.
Overall I'm giving this a 3/5 stars. It isn't up to the standards of the other books but it's not the worst. It's pretty middle of the road for me. I think if you are a hardcore LOTU fan you are probably going to nitpick a little more and be a little harder to please, but for me, the casual fan, it was alright.
The Darkest Torment - Gena Showalter
Can Beauty tame her Beast?
Driven to his death by the demon of Distrust, Baden spent centuries in purgatory. Now he's back, but at what cost? Bound to the king of the underworld, an even darker force, he's unable to withstand the touch of another and he's quickly devolving into a heartless assassin with an uncontrollable temper. Things only get worse when a mission goes awry and he finds himself saddled with a bride just not his own.
Famed dog trainer Katarina Joelle is forced to marry a monster to protect her loved ones. When she's taken hostage by the ruthless, beautiful Baden immediately after the ceremony, she's plunged into a war between two evils with a protector more dangerous than the monsters he hunts. They are meant to be enemies, but neither can resist the passion burning between them and all too soon the biggest threat is to her heart.
But as Baden slips deeper into the abyss, she'll have to teach him to love or lose him forever.
If you've been keeping up with this series then you know that this is Baden's book. Baden is screwed over by the demon of Distrust so you know that he's going to struggle with distrust on his journey. Enter Katarina, who he basically gets dumped into his lap and dun dun dun....he kind of starts falling for though he shouldn't. Never mind that she gets married to a guy so her dogs aren't tortured, so the whole Baden and Katarina relationship is starting off on a terrible foot. I will say that the biggest complaint about this book for me is I'm not loving Baden and Katarina as a couple at all. I think the author could have really done this so much better and it makes book twelve feel rushed and like not as much care went into planning this book out. And it's not much of a spoiler, but it IS a stretch because I went into this book with the romanticized Beauty and the Beast thoughts in my head, then I read this and OK- she treats him basically like a dog while having sex (because he's not used to touch so she's essentially "training" him) and it's just SO WEIRD. So, so weird and I just couldn't get into it and it was just... it was just a really strange way to get yourself to the Beauty and the Beast comparison. There were SO MANY other ways to do this.
Sigh.
This is one of my least favorite of the series, but I'm not saying it's worth skipping. You need this in your life if you are reading this series. I'm just.. I'm disappointed that this is where we went with Baden. I liked Baden, though my memory of him is kind of foggy because either I missed something big, or it's a plot hole, but I don't know how Baden got into purgatory with Pandora?? Am I missing something? Granted, I read books 1-11 awhile ago but still, I feel like I've forgotten something crucial.
Overall I'm giving this a 3/5 stars. It isn't up to the standards of the other books but it's not the worst. It's pretty middle of the road for me. I think if you are a hardcore LOTU fan you are probably going to nitpick a little more and be a little harder to please, but for me, the casual fan, it was alright.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Wyoming Brave (review and giveaway!)
*This post contains affiliate links that I could make commission off of, all opinions are my own*
I have been on a reading roll, lambs!Wyoming Brave - Diana Palmer
The Wyoming men are back! In their quest for true love on the range, are these ranchers bold enough to open their hearts to the women under their protection?
Ren Colter may own an enormous ranch in Wyoming, but he scorns his wealth. He's closed himself off since his fiancée left him years ago, so he's shocked when he allows Meredith Grayling to stay with him. He tells himself it's only to protect the blonde beauty from a stalker, but Ren's alpha instincts soon kick in.
The last thing Merrie wants is a devastatingly handsome man like Ren lurking around her. He's too experienced, too appealing for her already shot nerves. What she needs is just to get away from it all: the man haunting her waking dreams and the one hunting her like an animal. But no woman escapes this Colter cowboy!
You know I absolutely love a good romance and one of the go-to authors is Diana Palmer. This is the sixth book in her Wyoming Men series and I have read four of them so far and they are all solid if you are in the market for a rugged male lead and not raunchy sex scenes. The romance is solid and true and it is everything you'd expect for this genre.
We have to talk about the characters because I was really worried when I saw this was Ren's book because he's.. hard headed, kind of arrogant, kind of comes off as a jerk and a little cold. With that, when we meet Meredith I'm like- OK, these are polar opposites. Merrie clearly is that magnet for abusive relationships and clearly lets everyone walk all over her so I wasn't sure if this was a great match. (Though it could be argued that it's the exact perfect match because he is so Alpha and wanting to be the provider, etc and Merrie is not that "I'm a bad ass woman, hear me roar" gal.) My only complaint about this book (which can be said for a lot of romance novels, let's be honest) is that so much stuff is repeated. Admittedly, I have some serious short term memory issues right now, but it was driving me nuts how many details of Ren and Merrie's past are repeated, not just for reader benefit but also in dialogue. It's like, JESUS, WE GET IT. We are remembering these facts just fine, stop talking about it.
Sigh.
I will also admit that the story itself is a little far fetched, as all romance novels are, but how many cowboy romances have a mob boss in it? Huh? Not many, lambs! This one totally does and it's kind of eye-roll worthy, but it plays into the cheese factor of this book. Is this the kind of romance novel I'm reading "alone", but it's a solid little romance that cheered me up while it's winter and gloomy. No thought needed, just get comfy and read your afternoon away. I love the setting of these books, I love the Colter family, and I liked the Merrie and Ren dynamic even though I wasn't sure I would get it, I did in the end. Overall? I'd give this book 3/5 stars.
If you want to enter the giveaway, head over HERE! Your chances are good, you just might win! You can also check out Diana's website and her Facebook page to see what she's up to and check out some of her other books, including the rest of the Wyoming Men series.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Her Every Fear (review)
*This post contains affiliate links that I may make commissions from, but all opinions are my own*
If you don't follow me on Goodreads, you probably don't realize that I participate in the Goodreads Reading Challenge every year. And every year my goal is always the same: 100 books. Some years I make it (2015) and some years I don't (2016, but I was SO close), but we'll see how I fall this year. It's already helpfully reminding me I'm behind one book so far, so I need to get cracking.
Her Every Fear - Peter Swanson
Growing up, Kate Priddy was always a bit neurotic, experiencing momentary bouts of anxiety that exploded into full-blown panic attacks after an ex-boyfriend kidnapped her and nearly ended her life. When Corbin Dell, a distant cousin in Boston, suggests the two temporarily swap apartments, Kate, an art student in London, agrees, hoping that time away in a new place will help her overcome the recent wreckage of her life.
Soon after her arrival at Corbin’s grand apartment on Beacon Hill, Kate makes a shocking discovery: his next-door neighbor, a young woman named Audrey Marshall, has been murdered. When the police question her about Corbin, a shaken Kate has few answers, and many questions of her own—curiosity that intensifies when she meets Alan Cherney, a handsome, quiet tenant who lives across the courtyard, in the apartment facing Audrey’s. Alan saw Corbin surreptitiously come and go from Audrey’s place, yet he’s denied knowing her. Then, Kate runs into a tearful man claiming to be the dead woman’s old boyfriend, who insists Corbin did the deed the night that he left for London.
When she reaches out to her cousin, he proclaims his innocence and calms her nerves--until she comes across disturbing objects hidden in the apartment and accidentally learns that Corbin is not where he says he is. Could Corbin be a killer? What about Alan? Kate finds herself drawn to this appealing man who seems so sincere, yet she isn’t sure. Jet-lagged and emotionally unstable, her imagination full of dark images caused by the terror of her past, Kate can barely trust herself, so how could she take the chance on a stranger she’s just met?
So not only do we have that but the entire book has a stalker vibe to it so honestly, you're left kind of creeped out especially if you aren't binging on this in one or two sittings. My only other complaint is while the book switches narrative (which I'm totally OK with and it works here), every time we switched perspective we had a repeat of information. It's like the character really is assuming we aren't switching back and forth and it's frustrating because I want the meat of the story, I don't need to keep getting the same information over and over again. (And this is a person with documented memory issues complaining here, I feel sorry for all you non memory issue folks, you might have more of an issue with that.)
Overall? I'm still giving it 4/5 stars. The plot is good, the suspense is good, it has that dark and sinister vibe to it and you're questioning things right along with Kate. It was hard to put down and I found myself having a hard time falling asleep after a reading a good chunk of it. Her neighbors are all weird, we've got murder and mayhem, Kate isn't really well enough on her own but throw her in with this cast of folks and who knows what's going to shake out of the bag. If you're a fan of a good suspense and thriller, I think you're going to really enjoy this. You can purchase the book HERE, but in the meantime, you can check out the author's web page and Twitter!
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
I've decided everyone should have a psychiatrist.
On Friday I ended my week of non stop doctors at the psychiatrist's office. To say I was going into this appointment exhausted is an under statement. Not only was I legitimately exhausted from lack of sleep because Lucy had been running a fever and a chest cold for three days, but I was absolutely sick of leaving the house. I swear if one more person tells me that getting out of the house is going to be good for my mental health, I'm going to officially lose it.
Having never been to a psychiatrist I wasn't sure what to expect. All I knew going in was that I had exhausted every avenue my regular doctor had as far as anti-depressants, my psychologist said it would be a good thing to try, and I'm suicidal, so at this point I don't really have anything to lose by trying something new. As it turns out, this was kind of an interesting appointment. It was the first one in awhile that I left there feeling like someone actually got it, they haven't trivialized it, and they aren't treating me like I'm a fun experiment.
Which was just.... refreshing.
It was a two hour appointment and while I couldn't give you the blow by blow of what we talked about, but it was a lot. I learned that I was on a pussy dose of my anti-depressant so he increased that for me. I learned that I am grossly deficient in vitamin D, so I have a prescription for that. He's hoping that this combination is going to help me step back from the ledge of the bridge, so to speak. But the best part of the entire appointment was feeling like all of the things I have been feeling aren't necessarily normal, but more so that if I wasn't feeling those things, he'd be more seriously concerned about the stability of my mental health. It's like someone giving me the free pass to actually feel horribly about my situation.
I also left there being told that I have to stop feeling guilty. That when I feel like I can't do it today, it means I can't do it today and I need to not feel bad about it. I need to tell someone that hey- I can't do it today, and I just let people take over. I struggle with this because I feel like these are my kids, this is my house, I should be taking care of this. There are people out there who have it worse than me and I need to not be a baby. I feel like although it's been drilled into my head the last five months on repeat, it's just now starting to sink in.
It's OK to struggle. It's OK to not be able to do it.
I also learned that all of my fatigue isn't depression so much, it's my actual brain telling me it's time to shut down. It's on overload and it needs to restart. (Which explains why I don't feel in control of myself and I feel confused when I start getting tired.)
I now struggle with not feeling guilty with Matt. Because god knows, he has got to be at the end of his rope. He works SO many hours just so we don't get behind in bills. Not only that but then he has me, and I'm basically useless right now. Sure, I am taking care of the kids and I'm trying to stay on top of the household things but I'm not doing a good job at all. Honestly, my house now is nowhere near what it would normally be like. I feel like I'm failing as a mom. I'm desperately trying to tread water and I feel like most days by nose is barely above the water. So for me to say, "Oh hey Matt- I realize you just worked 12 hours but boy am I fried, I'm going to bed!", it feels unfair and unrealistic.
So that's where I'm at.
At least I feel like my anti-depressant change might make a difference, I go back in six weeks to the psychiatrist to give him some follow up. By the time I go to that appointment, I will have seen my therapist a few more times, my neurologist, and my regular doctor. Oh, and had my appointment at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. But more on that another day.
Until then.. just keep swimming.
Having never been to a psychiatrist I wasn't sure what to expect. All I knew going in was that I had exhausted every avenue my regular doctor had as far as anti-depressants, my psychologist said it would be a good thing to try, and I'm suicidal, so at this point I don't really have anything to lose by trying something new. As it turns out, this was kind of an interesting appointment. It was the first one in awhile that I left there feeling like someone actually got it, they haven't trivialized it, and they aren't treating me like I'm a fun experiment.
Which was just.... refreshing.
It was a two hour appointment and while I couldn't give you the blow by blow of what we talked about, but it was a lot. I learned that I was on a pussy dose of my anti-depressant so he increased that for me. I learned that I am grossly deficient in vitamin D, so I have a prescription for that. He's hoping that this combination is going to help me step back from the ledge of the bridge, so to speak. But the best part of the entire appointment was feeling like all of the things I have been feeling aren't necessarily normal, but more so that if I wasn't feeling those things, he'd be more seriously concerned about the stability of my mental health. It's like someone giving me the free pass to actually feel horribly about my situation.
I also left there being told that I have to stop feeling guilty. That when I feel like I can't do it today, it means I can't do it today and I need to not feel bad about it. I need to tell someone that hey- I can't do it today, and I just let people take over. I struggle with this because I feel like these are my kids, this is my house, I should be taking care of this. There are people out there who have it worse than me and I need to not be a baby. I feel like although it's been drilled into my head the last five months on repeat, it's just now starting to sink in.
It's OK to struggle. It's OK to not be able to do it.
I also learned that all of my fatigue isn't depression so much, it's my actual brain telling me it's time to shut down. It's on overload and it needs to restart. (Which explains why I don't feel in control of myself and I feel confused when I start getting tired.)
I now struggle with not feeling guilty with Matt. Because god knows, he has got to be at the end of his rope. He works SO many hours just so we don't get behind in bills. Not only that but then he has me, and I'm basically useless right now. Sure, I am taking care of the kids and I'm trying to stay on top of the household things but I'm not doing a good job at all. Honestly, my house now is nowhere near what it would normally be like. I feel like I'm failing as a mom. I'm desperately trying to tread water and I feel like most days by nose is barely above the water. So for me to say, "Oh hey Matt- I realize you just worked 12 hours but boy am I fried, I'm going to bed!", it feels unfair and unrealistic.
So that's where I'm at.
At least I feel like my anti-depressant change might make a difference, I go back in six weeks to the psychiatrist to give him some follow up. By the time I go to that appointment, I will have seen my therapist a few more times, my neurologist, and my regular doctor. Oh, and had my appointment at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. But more on that another day.
Until then.. just keep swimming.
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