Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Nerves got me tingly.

So I haven't told you about my upcoming visit to the Mayo Clinic, which is tomorrow. I toyed with the idea shortly after I came home, but I was so overwhelmed with appointments so I didn't give it a lot of thought. Then everyone kept telling me I should go and get a second opinion, just in case what I was being told here wasn't the full picture.

And can I be honest?

I'm so tired of feeling like I can't decide for myself what is good enough. Because I feel like, sometimes, I'm the only one rationally thinking. To be honest, I don't think they are going to find a damn thing wrong with me that I don't already know. I don't think I'm special. Yes, I survived an Amniotic Fluid Embolism and that's pretty damn rare, but people don't understand that AFE is an event, it's not an illness. So no, doctors really don't care that I survived it because every one of us all have different things wrong with us in the aftermath. Some are just fine, some are more debilitated, and some are just like me. But no, doctors don't want to see me because I survived some fantastical thing.

The plan right now is for me to do a full day of labs and see the Endocrinology specialists while I'm there. As it turns out, Neurology doesn't want to see me, and flat out said I'm not bad enough for an appointment. They see people with serious issues, far worse than me, and I get it. I'm just a mom who forgets things, is overwhelmed by life, and I'm not me anymore. I'm still functioning.

So I'm going into this appointment with very low expectations so I can't leave disappointed. I'm kind of annoyed at myself for even going, but then I think what if? What if they give me a new piece of information? Then I guess it wouldn't be a total waste. And considering I have to pay for a hotel and gas to get there, that would be kind of awesome.

But I am nervous to go. I'm nervous to be poked and prodded, and I'm worried I won't remember to tell them something. I have my paperwork completed and a symptom list, but what if I forgot something? What if I'm not including something pertinent because I don't think it's important?

And you know what else is weird? What do I do when I stop seeing doctors every few weeks? Is that it? Because there's an end to all of this and then what do I do? Just weird things I think about.

So I'll update you when I'm back from Mayo. My mom is going with me, Matt is staying here with all of the kids. We figured logistically it'll be easiest that way. So we'll see. Cross your fingers and think good thoughts.


Julie H said...

Well I hope they find something that will help you out a bit. A co-worker's son got meningitis and he went there and they helped a ton. I guess that was an "event" too really.

Unknown said...

Always thinking of you. Hopefully they figure some out that may be able to help a little bit more.