Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Therapy is really tough, lambs.

When I came home from my AFE, everyone suggested I see a therapist to get my bearings. Work through the feelings I was having and bound to have because you don't die and not have feelings. And I was having the feels, trust me. I went into counseling with low expectations because my only other experience with counseling was going to marriage counseling with Matt and being told that he was totally fine, and that I just needed to not be so close minded and things would be fine.

Needless to say, we didn't go for long, and I never went back on my own though I desperately wanted to. I just wasn't ready.

So who knew that dying would be the catalyst to spur me into that? But it did and I've been going regularly since November, every two weeks. And that seems like it was so long ago, but truly, it's not been that long. And I really like my therapist, she is really great. I feel totally at ease with her, I can swear and she swears, and it's all really like I'm talking to a friend. I never feel judged, even when I tell her things like I want to die. I think every single day about dying. It consumes me all day, every day. I wonder and Google how many of whatever pill would I need for it to kill me? Would it be painful? Could I do it and die in my sleep? I don't want my children or husband to find my body grossly mutilated like from hanging or a gun shot or something, I'd like it to look like I just... died in my sleep. She tells me she would never talk me in or out of ending my life, but to get me to a place that I'm at peace with whatever I choose.

Do you know how.... freeing that is? I felt at immediate peace being told that my decision would be respected by someone. I had no idea that was what I needed to hear until she said it. She made me feel right then that the way I was feeling was 100% legitimate and that it's totally normal. It's not to be ashamed of, it's something to work with. I feel that way right now, and maybe I'll feel like that a long time, but I have choices. Every choice, killing myself or not, has consequences and I need to be OK with either set.

I also know it's not my job to make someone else happy. I can't do that. I can't stick around for someone else's sake. Yes, I have children, and a husband, and I have countless family and friends who love and care for me. And I'm not ungrateful for any of that, god knows that is what keeps me trucking along most days. But I also know that I can't make any of you or them happy, it's not up to me to spare feelings. It's all well and good to tell a person to be selfish and do what you have to so you feel good, until that causes others to feel uncomfortable.

And I guess I understand that.

I find that I really look forward to my therapy sessions, like those are my only life line. My 45 minutes of verbal freedom where I can unload it all. The good, the bad, the ugly. She just takes it and listens to me and offers me that safe place. I oftentimes get in my van afterwards and cry because it's another two weeks until I can go again and it feels so far away.

But I have an assignment before my next session, and I thought I could whip it out easily but I'm finding that I am really struggling with it. Basically, if I could start my life all over, no kids, no husband, no worries- what would my life look like? I mean... I don't know. I can't even wrap my head around this. It's not to say I could even have any of that, I certainly can't pick up and take off but if I could... what would I imagine?

I have no idea.

Have you ever really thought about that? If, with the flick of a wrist, you could change your life to be exactly what you'd want, what would you change?


thotlady said...

I think about it all the time.

Ruth said...

That would be hard. I have thought of starting over, but I don't know what I would do. I could imagine no husband, but not no daughter.
The biggest thing I would change about me is my driving issues. Driving makes me so uncomfortable, I avoid it.

Julie H said...

It makes me so sad when you write about wanting to kill yourself. I totally understand how her saying that's ok and your choice could be freeing.

I've thought about walking away from everything quite a few times. My kids are older now and don't really need me.