We're Going To Be Friends

Easily one of the most recognizable songs that I sing to my kids willing them to nap time is The White Stripes' We're Going To Be Friends. I remember when it came out I was surprised that this was the same band putting out Seven Nation Army, but Jack White is a quirky kind of guy so maybe it isn't so strange. I do know that when I was listening to a toddler radio channel on Pandora this song would come on frequently and that's when it struck me that this is kind of a great kids' song that adults love. 

And now its a book. 

We're Going To Be Friends - Jack White, illustrated by Elinor Blake

I don't have to tell you how much I loved this book because you already know. I loved this book, you guys! The words itself are pretty spectacular and it's hard to read this book without singing it, but my two toddlers happen to love my singing. 

The illustrations, though? You guys. Stunning. They are stunning. It's a beautiful combination of pencil drawings with the strong red and white color scheme (which ties in The White Stripes origins)... 

 ...and some pages feature the drawings against photographs. It's just a aesthetically pleasing book to page through.  

The book itself came with a code for a download of the song which I think makes it a fun sing/read along book for your beginning readers. (Or grown up's who fancy themselves as great singers, too.) Even if you didn't take advantage of the song download (which you should) the book itself is an easy read, contains lots of Sight Words for your beginning reader, but also has enough repetitiveness to make you anxious and unsteady reader confident. I so very highly recommend this book if for no other reason than having a fun retro-like kids/adult book on your shelf. 

Beck

I'm steadily reading this series and fortunately this counts as part of my Beat the Backlist challenge, so that's a bonus!

Beck - Harper Sloan

Dee

I’ve always been good at wearing masks. Not letting anyone see the real me. I’m content being the happy-go-lucky best friend. The strong willed boss. The independent woman who doesn’t need a man. 

But the truth is I’m just as broken as the rest of you. I’m terrified that all it will take is one person to make all my carefully constructed walls crumble into fine dust. So I guard my heart with everything I have. Determined to never let anyone get close enough to hurt me again. 

All is perfect until HE walks into my life. No… he doesn’t just walk. He struts his good-looking, sex-oozing self right into my space and demands that I see HIM. Making me want what I know I can’t have. 

So I did the only thing I know how to do. 

I run. 

But he just won’t let me go. 

Beck

The second I see her, I know she will be mine. I see past the gorgeous smiles and heart-stopping laughter. I see HER. She doesn’t want me to know her secrets or the past that haunts her, but I make it my mission to find out. 

To make her mine. 

She can run all she wants, but it will never be far enough to stop me from coming after her. 

She’s it for me and she knows it. 

She’s just too scared to admit it. 

Alright, so this is book 3 in the Corps Security series, but it's fully a stand alone. Each book connects with the others and some story line overlaps, but if you didn't read book 1 and 2 you won't be lost. Secondly, if you like romance but don't want to hear details so much, this book is not for you, nor is the series.

In this book we have Dee and Beck, two characters I'm on the fence about. Well, I don't like Dee so I guess I'm not on the fence with her. But Dee has clear mental health issues that extend all the way into her childhood, so as an adult she is a fake adult. She's as fake as they come, she acts like a bitch for no reason, pretends to be the mothering type with her friends, a man slayer, bad ass, independent woman. When REALLY she's insecure, unhappy, has PTSD, completely unable to tell the truth about how she feels, and has a bizarre obsession with not getting close to anyone and being pissed off with herself for not doing it. The majority of the book is all around that, and how Beck just takes her crap and sticks with it until (no shocker) he gets the girl!

Then all hell breaks loose with a drug addict/gunman, a master criminal, someone dies, and someone gets engaged. If you're following along you get little updates on previous characters, one of them are pregnant with twins! But what makes the whole thing crazy is the fact that Dee is crazy for book 1 and 2, and 3/4 of this one but faced with a gunman? Calm and totally OK. Not freaking out. She doesn't even panic when she meets the master criminal. Nope, calm and collected. Which is so bizarre and implausible I almost threw the book right there.

Overall? I can only give this book 3/5 stars and that's being really generous. I liked book 1 and 2, but book 3 was a dud and I think it's all because Dee is nuts and I don't like her. I don't think those type of characters are endearing and you can't redeem that. The only thing saving this book is Beck being such a great guy and Dee's right- she doesn't deserve him.

   

Sometimes when you think you're helpful, you're being lazy.

I'll start this by saying that my feelings about this are no way indicative of every person who is or has been in my position. I'll also put out there that I used to do all of these things, be that person, but I genuinely thought I was doing good.

I used to be one of those people who heard about suicide and immediately thought, "That is incredibly selfish. You're surrounded by people who want to help you and you don't even care enough to let them help." I was that person, no question. Full stop.

Then I became suicidal and I realize what an asshole I was. I wasn't helping by pointing any of this out, but what I was doing was trying to guilt the person into staying here. Guilt is not a reason to stay on Earth. Nobody should stay here because of what they can do for you, whether that's supporting you or just being the person under a title in your life (mother, father, friend, spouse, etc), or because you have fond memories and you like that person: that is not a good enough reason for them to stay alive because what that is is YOU being selfish. You're thinking about what you would be feeling with them gone instead of what it feels like for them to be alive every single day.

Sure, some depression is passing. We all have days where we think, "fuck it all, I'm done" and we have them in varying degrees. Some of us say it, don't mean it, and that's that. Some say it and maybe think about it in passing but it's enough to convince them it's just a bad day. Some people think about it hard, really weigh it out, but ultimately it passes and they are able to move on and be OK. Then there are some people where it is like a continuous loop of negative in our head. It's a cassette tape that never ends, it's on repeat, and you never shut it off. At best you can turn the volume down a bit but out of nowhere it gets cranked up and you suddenly feel like you have no control over it. If you hear something enough times, you agree with it. It's making valid point and it starts sounding like a better idea every day.

One of the resources available to all of us are suicide hotlines. I have called it one time in the last year and it was the worst 12 minutes of my life. I got a young sounding guy, sounded like a young boy, and he was reading of a terribly written script and when I detailed why I felt the way I do, he gave me silence. He had no answers for me, didn't have any information about where I should go for help, and I hung up that phone feeling worse than ever. I don't remember how I got through that night but it was hard. While I laid in my bed, with tears streaming down my face and my husband asleep next to me, I remember countless friends telling me to "reach out" if I need help.

So I did.

I made a lot of phone calls. Maybe because it was the middle of the night, but I got no answers. No returned texts. Nobody even returned the missed call they had to have seen on their phones. I can't fault them because we're all busy with our lives and I get it. I hate talking on the phone, so I understand about anxiety. I also know that nobody wants to be the last person someone talks to, it's a lot of pressure. What if they kill themselves, is it because of something you said? Did you motivate them to jump off the bridge?

I get it.

I could go on and on, but I won't. I will say this though, if you know someone who needs help, who is maybe on the fringe, do something. If they matter to you, do something. Call around and find the mental health resources in the area, sit with them, bring them food and hugs, let them cry no matter how uncomfortable it makes you, listen to them, don't tell them to be grateful or think of everyone who has it worse because in those moments? This is worse than cancer. It's worse than babies with cancer. I'm not kidding. In those dark moments the tape is so loud and it says every negative thing. It overpowers everything good in your life and you just want it to stop. If ending your life makes it stop, it is worth it, in those moments.

I won't pretend to tell you I've beaten it because I very much haven't. While my medications quiet the noise, I still hear it. The medication numbs my ability to plan but I still want to die each and every day. The medication slows me down and makes me tired, and I don't think I'd have the energy to do anything even if I had a solid plan. I'm also not begrudging anyone around me. I think you all genuinely think you've done everything you could or are comfortable doing. I get it. I'm with you, I don't know what I would do if the tables were turned. But I ask you, I beg you, please don't tell me to call a hotline, to reach out, to be grateful, to look at all of the good around me, because none of it helps and none of it matters. Give me an actual solution.

You Don't Look Adopted

Calm down, I am not adopted! But this is a very cool book about someone who is and what that can be like for someone.

You Don't Look Adopted - Anne Heffron

Adoption can be tricky. It's a wonderful thing to be chosen, to be brought up by loving parents, but in order for this to happen, there has to be an initial abandonment, and this loss can settle like a seed of unease in the adopted person, quite possibly affecting the entirety of his or her life. 

Anne Heffron, who'd been adopted at ten weeks old, embarked on a three-month journey she called "Write or Die", leaving California for her birth place, New York City, in order to do the one thing she'd been unable to do her entire adult life: tell her own story, and not the one she'd heard all her life that began, "The day we got you." 

You Don't Look Adopted is an intimate look at what it means for an adopted person to live in the world as someone who was both chosen and given away. 

I'm giving this one a solid 4 stars, right out the gate. I'm not adopted but I was able to finally "get it". I never used to get it when people had a disconnect and never felt part of something because of their adoption, or maybe they just don't know one of their parents, because I have few memories of my dad. He didn't want us, he couldn't contribute,  he was an alcoholic and that was more important. I eventually gained a step dad but I never felt like I was missing out, like a part of me is unfulfilled. But after reading Anne's book I get it.

I've not been shy about my struggles this last year and being suicidal but I never had a good statement to wave and say, THIS! This is how I feel. In Anne's book early on there is a line,

"What does valuable even mean? It means worth protecting, worth keeping alive. It means that sometimes I cross the street without looking both ways because I don't care if someone hits me."

THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.

Another line that just called to me was on the next page, I think, and its in relation to her writing this book. She says,

"If you think your voice is dangerous in its ability to hurt the ones you love, you learn to keep it quiet. And then the real trouble starts."

I'm writing a book now and I struggle with writing my truth how I see it versus sparing feelings. I shouldn't spare feelings if it's my personal truth, right?

The entire story, from her childhood to adulthood, the author is able to show us why hers was different, what mistakes she made, what points of her life were maybe impacted by being adopted. It's written honestly and beautifully, your heart strings will be tugged hard. As a mom, I can't imagine what it is like to hand my baby over. I think when we look at certain issues we only see one facet of it, we don't look at the full circle. People often say that love can fix anything but that's not really true. This book highlights how that can be the case. Even the best of parents can't fix all of the broken pieces, fill all of the holes. I have no connection to adoption myself but I really felt the impact as if this was written for me. I love this author's voice so much, it makes it an easy read.

If you, or someone you know, is adopted this would be an excellent book for them. Maybe a great read for a newly adoptive parent, so you avoid the pitfalls of screwing your kid up more? HA! But truly, this book is so well written, it's going to be one I hold near and dear for a long while.

Maybe not a beach body but better than current?

If you are a long time reader of the blog you know that I have struggled on and off with my weight all my life. You might even remember me doing my walk/run thing on the fuckmill (treadmill) and successfully completing a bunch of 5k's. I was never fast, or skinny, but I was actually enjoying what I was doing and looking forward to races. 

Which sounds down right CRAZY TOWN to me now. 

I do know that I have some stumbling blocks to overcome. Things like my actual health, how I'm not supposed to exert myself too much and I will dehydrate alarmingly fast. I have an auto immune disorder so if I do anything too strenuous I will pay for it for several days, I'll have limited mobility and high pain. I also have diastasis recti, which just means my abdominal muscles never moved back into place after my last baby. Well, I don't think they ever went back after any of the babies, but I'm just now learning about it. I always look to be pregnant and I've had people ask me how far along I am. 

It's embarrassing. 

Right now, I vary between 3-6 months pregnant looking depending on how I feel, how much I hydrated the day before, etc. 

I decided that I would join Beachbody, try out a few programs to see if I can at least get some kind of jump start on feeling better. I have very low goals, 5 pounds lost this year, but that's going to be an uphill battle. I might lose 10 right away but my weight fluctuates wildly from day to day but the weight on file is 203.8. My heaviest ever was 212, so I'm right back where I started my first weight loss challenge. 

 So here is my obligatory "before" shot so you can kind of see where I'm at. 

I'm starting with the YouV2 program because it's low impact and really the most ideal for people who are grossly out of shape. Each session is like 30 minutes long and on day one I made it 17 minutes before almost passing out. 

 Lucy was proud anyways and kept giving me encouraging pats to my butt and then gave me total slobber kisses as I lay on the floor wondering if a tummy tuck would just be easier. 

I've legitimately thought about surgery but seeing people's drains and scars... I get the willies thinking about it. I just truly don't think I can do it. 

Here is the photo of me the day after that top one is taken, just so you can get an idea of how much I fluctuate. My pants, I never know what size I need that day so I have three sizes in rotation right now. Thank god I never got rid of any of them! 

So here we are, I'm trying. I'm expecting all of you to properly shame me if I fall off the wagon and/or drag my ass back onto it. 

(I got my shirt from Meowingtons, but you can also get them on Amazon)

The Slave

If you aren't a long time blog reader you might not know why I would have chosen this book to read for review. First, I had an uncle who was in what you would consider a vegetative state for five months before he passed away. You always hope that they can hear you and that you're making them comfortable and doing the best possible thing for them but you never really know, do you? Also, there was a time during my AFE that I was in a coma and nobody knew if I was processing anything that was happening to me or not, and I don't know because I have no memory of it. I wish I did though.

The Slave - Anand Dilvar

A profound and paradigm-challenging book that guides readers through a transformative journey to personal freedom.

Trapped in a vegetative state, following a terrible accident that has paralyzed his whole body, the narrator is unable to communicate with those around him. Cut off from family and friends so begins an inner conversation with his spiritual guide, a conversation which takes him on a journey of self-realization, bringing him eventually to a new state of consciousness, and an understanding of his deepest self.

Written with an engaging simplicity, this is a truly profound book which can change your life. In fact to use the authors own words, it is designed to shake, shudder and wake us up. It is a book that has nothing to do with success, social recognition, with the accumulation of goods; but everything to do with joy, love and peace.

This is the Spanish to English translation of the book so I'll tell you some of the phrasing used in the book doesn't feel as natural as it maybe would in Spanish, but don't let that deter you from this. This is so well written that I often wondered if it was a true story, to be able to get into the mind of a young man in a vegetative state is kind of unbelievable. We have a young man, The Slave, who we first meet by learning he's in this state, the morning light is blinding him but he cannot blink. He's discovering her cannot move, he cannot communicate that the light is blinding him and he actually wonders if this is death. Unfortunately it isn't and he spends a great deal of time wishing her were dead until he "meets" The Guide, an inner voice who helps him ponder the meaning of life and death, really. He's fully cognizant of everything around him, the kind nurse (Faith) who cares for him so gently, to the meaner nurse who callously says he should just be unplugged so someone else can still use his organs. (The interaction with her at the end of this book is SO GREAT.)

The Slave learns he's about to become a father unbeknownst to him and he's trying to decide if that baby is worth living for even if it means he could never communicate or hold it, is that really going to be enough? I can't tell you what he decides or what happens after he makes that decision, but this book.. wow. It's only 127 pages long but it will get you right in the feels, it'll make you look at people differently, approach humanity in a different way, make you wonder what qualifies as living, it would make an EXCELLENT book club choice. Heck, I'd even use it for high school or college kids to discuss, the discussions from it would be fascinating.

It feels weird to give a book 5 stars right out the gate in 2018 but I have to. This book has stuck with me and I find myself thinking about it in different ways long after I've put it down. If that isn't 5 star material, I don't know what is.

   

You Need A Budget

Every year people make resolutions and often times, improving their finances is one of the top ones we hear. But how many of those people actually improve their finances? Make the hard decisions and lifestyle changes that got you into the mess in the first place?

Almost none.

You Need A Budget - Jesse Mecham

A guide based on the tenets of the award-winning financial platform, "You Need a Budget," argues that a well-planned budget does not involve deprivation and counsels readers on how to prioritize financial goals, reduce stress through strategic cash flow allocations and meet the challenges of unplanned expenses.

As a graduate of the Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, I can tell you that this is almost identical. Sure, there are a couple of differences and the steps are condensed, but it's almost the same thing. Not a bad thing if you aren't real religious (Dave's program is really God centered and that might not be your gig.). This is like the short cut to Dave's program, so in theory, that would make it easier.

Every dollar has a job is a line you read throughout the book and it's exactly what Dave says, instead of flitting your money away, give every single dollar coming in a very specific job in your budget. Is it going towards existing debt? Your savings account? Maybe one of your month to month bills? It's not saying you can't have a fun money fund, but you don't actually have fun money until your debt is gone, your month to month bills are under control, and you have something in your savings. Not many people want to hear that and telling people no, you can't do this because you can't afford it isn't a popular thing to do as they clutch their credit card.

What sets this apart from Dave is that Jesse Mecham talks about how to get your kids on board and teach them to look at budgeting in their lives. Maybe they get birthday money, allowance, mow lawns in the summer, at some point they will have money and it's easier to teach good money practices now than it is trying to reverse several years of bad practice later on. He ends the book with parting words but also a whole section dedicated to those times you feel like giving up and charging all of the things. It's a great motivational piece with practical tips on making a realistic budget we can all maintain.

I'm giving this one a solid 4/5 stars because it's practical and good for beginners and those of us in the practice of using a monthly budget already.