Book Review: The Air He Breathes (Element Series, Book 1)

I begged Matt to get me this series for Christmas, and he did, and I'm just now getting to them. Ahem. At least I'm getting to them! Right??

The Air He Breathes - Brittainy C. Cherry

I was warned about Tristan Cole.

“Stay away from him,” people said.

“He’s cruel.”

“He’s cold.”

“He’s damaged.”

It’s easy to judge a man because of his past. To look at Tristan and see a monster.

But I couldn’t do that. I had to accept the wreckage that lived inside of him because it also lived inside of me.

We were both empty.

We were both looking for something else. Something more.

We both wanted to put together the shattered pieces of our yesterdays.

Then perhaps we could finally remember how to breathe.

If you know me at all you know I love a good romance and if the premise is a guy full of angst and in need of saving, and a girl who is the perfect person to save him? I am all in! I'm all in because I am that person who thinks she can save people and yeah.... it doesn't work out well for me ever but I remain hopeful. Ha! 

In this book we have Elizabeth, fresh off the death of her husband in a car crash, leaving her a young widow with a five year old daughter. We have Tristan who is fresh off the death of his wife and child from a car crash (I know what you're thinking and I refuse to confirm or deny). While Elizabeth is pulling herself together and trying to move forward without acknowledging her pain, Tristan has gone off the deep end and has become the town recluse that people make stories about and he's angry.

She hits his dog and they definitely don't hit it off.

But over time things progress and the entire development of their friendship into relationship is just really, really well planned out and you're moving through the book but you don't feel like it's going 0 to 60, which is really nice. You see the destructive behavior of both of them and you feel like you're watching them grow, come apart, and come together again.

Oh, and then we casually add in a nut job that gives us some drama that we don't see coming from anywhere and I loved it because I love some drama to spice up a book. Overall? I'm going to give this one a 4.5 because the only thing I could knock it down with are a couple of cheesy spots and one spot where I thought Elizabeth was being unrealistic and bitchy, but that's me being picky.

   

This was a purchased book and all thoughts are my own, as usual. I did use some affiliate links in here so if you purchase through them it's no charge to you but I get a couple of cents (literally) and it helps keep this blog going. If you read this one, let me know what you thought- I'm curious to see if anyone has read the rest of the series!

Weight Loss Monday: The heat is killing me.

You guys, I'm not kidding when I tell you the heat might actually kill me. It's been so hot and I'm trying so hard to not complain because I absolutely hate winter with everything in me and it's coming but holy balls.

It's hot, y'all.

I had to switch it up for this week because not only was it hot but some evenings it was absolutely pouring and while I'm game to go walking in moderate rain with my little umbrella, when it's a severe weather alert I'm just not going to do it.

Instead I used my little bike thing at home and went three miles on that. To be honest though I don't know if it's a real three miles because it took me about a half hour and my legs only felt a little wobbly. Whatever- it was something.

Other days I did walk and it was OK. I've really been into podcasts lately and I've listened to this one three times now. It's so good. So  many great lines but one that has been sticking with me, "When you avoid conflict to make peace with other people, you start a war within." And I'll be honest, I had a hard time following Russell Brand because he speaks far beyond my intelligence level but Brene Brown is really good and I'm kind of obsessively watching and listening to everything I can find of hers online during my walks and that's been good.



So other than that, it's OK. I'm trying. I'm doing the best I can. I'm going out at least three times a week but my ultimate goal if five. I think eventually I'll need to make it a seven day a week thing but I'll get there.

How are you doing? Do you have podcasts you really, really enjoy? Share them with me because I'm almost through my list!

The cusp of 3.

I often wonder if I am always going to feel the way I do now about Lucy's birth. My therapist says it might change over time but it might not, because your body will always remember what happened to it, like a reflex. I might not remember, but my body does so there is a natural fear response happening. Which is such a weird thing to think about but I suppose it's true.

It's hard to tell you exactly how I feel on this day. The day before Lucy was born is my last real memory and that's not even really true because I don't have memories like you, I can't replay a scene like an old movie in my head. What I remember are the actual snapshots that we took of the day.

I remember Penelope standing next to roses at the Rose Garden in Duluth. I don't remember Olivia or Jackson. I don't remember Matt, but I remember taking this photo. It's so weird, but mostly scary, to look at this photo and know that that person died the very next day. It doesn't look like me. Well it does, but I don't recognize it as me. To me it's like looking at an ex-wife of Matt, which is weird because I know it's me..... but its not. 

It's strange to know this woman is dead. She died the very next day and somehow I'm here in that body and nothing about it feels familiar. I cannot tell you how many times I have stood in that exact same spot to see if a memory would come, would I remember standing there? Would I remember what it was like to be pregnant? Would I remember what it felt like to have a baby inside of me? 

To say this has been a hard three years is an understatement. I can't remember all of the doctor visits, the medical buildings, the procedures, the lab work, the waiting rooms, the hope, the disappointment, the frustration, the desperation, the resignation that I've had in these three years. I know its there and I guess its best if I don't remember it all. 

Not one person in the whole world can tell me that I haven't tried to get better. That I haven't marched forward, kept swimming, climbed the mountain, done the work. I have taken bad news like a champ and not told anyone. I have accepted the looks from people who think I'm crazy, I've been told to "just deal with it" and kept my mouth shut even though I want to scream, "I FUCKING AM" but I don't. I've become a better person because I really believe if I do good I will get good back and I just so desperately need that some days. 

I have confronted really awful truths from my past that I haven't told anyone, ever. Matt doesn't know. My mother doesn't know. My best friends don't know. I can see things around me a little more clearly now which is bittersweet because I realize how awful some people are and I never saw it before. I have lost friends. I at least know which ones are fair weather friends too but that comes with its own wave of disappointment. I have battled crippling depression, I have sat in darkened closets and in my car in the dead of winter wishing I could just die and thinking that being alive is really the cruelest punishment of all. 

I have confronted the things that hurt me the most. Did you know that I never look at my scar? I think sometimes maybe I don't lose weight because if I did the scar would be more prevalent on me. It's just a scar, millions of people have them and ones just like mine, it shouldn't bother me, but it does. It brings feelings of anxiety and panic. I get a tingling in my chest and I can't catch my breath. I feel fear, like something is trying to get me and I need to run.

So I don't look at it. I don't look at myself in the mirror anymore because I don't know this person or this body. I want to be old Sara so badly and I know I can't and so I feel shame. I feel shame because I'm not pretty and I'm not skinny, and no matter how many times Matt assures me I'm still attractive I don't believe him because he has to say that. 

I hate feeling broken. I hate feeling like everything in my body is malfunctioning and there isn't a fix. Sometimes I lash out. Sometimes I scream in a pillow until my voice is raw. Sometimes I go on walks and cry so hard neighbors look at me, probably wondering if I'm OK or crazy. Sometimes I sit and my car and cry. Sometimes I cry in the shower. Sometimes I cry when the girls nap.  I have to deal with everyone else and their problems and I'm dying a little more inside. I know it's daunting when I tell people it's going to be like this forever, like "Ugh, we have to help her FOREVER?!" and believe me, what you feel? I am more angry than you are. Trust me.

And then I have Lucy.  Lucy is really the best thing in the whole world. I wish I remembered what it was like to be pregnant with her. I wish I could have seen her born or remember what it was like the first moments with her. I wish I remembered what she was like as a baby. What she smelled like. I wish I could remember what her fuzzy hair felt like. How little she was. I wish I could remember her looking at me like I was the greatest thing in the world. Or what it felt like to rock her to sleep, or hold her on my chest. The irony is that I don't do well around pregnant women or little babies because they scare me and are a PTSD trigger... which I never knew was a thing until I'm in the thick of it.

It's weird to think I took this picture on Sunday, but I don't remember. I can piece things together. I know we were at Thomas the Train, I know we were on a train, I know it was summer. Anything else? I have to ask Matt because it's not there. I know I think I'll remember, I always do, and then I don't and I'm angry that I'm so stupid and thought that in the first place. But I forget how quickly I forget.

So tomorrow Lucy is 3. Tonight I'll go to bed absolutely petrified of what will happen. I'll be scared, panicky, and sad all day. I will try not to show it because I don't want to ruin her birthday. I will cry when I go to bed. I will pull it together because on Friday she has a doctor appointment and I need to pull it together. On Saturday we have her party and I will try to not cry and not ruin it. I will try to smile and be happy. Because ultimately, nobody cares. And it's OK. It's not your burden. It's not your PTSD or depression. It's not your trauma. It's not your stolen memories. You aren't broken. You don't understand where I'm at. You don't know that all the therapy in the world can't fix this and suddenly make me normal. And it's OK.

I'll keep trying anyway. I will fake it until I make it. I will get through today. And the next. And even the next after that. I can only do what I can do.

Book Review: Lone Wolf Cowboy (Gold Valley #7)

You have NO IDEA how happy I was to open my book mail and find this gem in it because I asked my local library if they were getting this and they looked at me like I had a third eye, so that meant I was on my own! Lucky for you, it comes out TODAY. So order it and tell me what you think.

Lone Wolf Cowboy (Gold Valley #7) - Maisey Yates

As a former EMT and a wildland firefighter, there's no one Jacob Dalton can't rescue--except himself. Since his best friend's tragic death, Jacob has isolated himself...until Vanessa Logan returns to Gold Valley. He saved her life during a medical call years ago, and he's never forgotten her. The instant jolt of heat between them takes him by surprise, but he knows that giving in to it would only end in disaster...

For Vanessa, returning home was about healing, not about exploring her attraction with Jacob. He is the guardian angel from her past--with strong, capable hands and an irresistible mouth. A temptation she knows she can't afford. Until the chemistry between them explodes, and unites them in a way they could never have imagined.

Full disclosure, I have not read every book in the Gold Valley series, I think I've read three others and this one makes four. I could be wrong because I get this confused with the Copper Ridge series and I also sometimes put my pants on backwards so honestly, I'm always really very confused. Anyways, what I'm telling you is that you do NOT need to read these in order, it's totally fine. You will be fine. (Can I just say though? If Caleb is not the next story I will be very unhappy.)

Anyhoodles.

In this book we have Vanessa coming back to Gold Valley after leaving several years ago. She was a wild teenager, fell into drugs and alcohol and experienced some really awful things, but after court ordered rehab she realized she had different options. She sobered up, became an art teacher, and took a chance on a job back in Gold Valley teaching art to troubled youth, which seems like a natural calling for her. Then we have Jacob who has a past full of demons which make him feel like isolating himself is better for everyone else but also a kind of punishment for himself. They meet, they hit it off, she gets pregnant, crap hits the fan. That's the gist of it. Basically.

OK, I'm giving this one a 4 and I'm teetering on a 3.5/3 only because I really wanted more of a boom. Something that puts her sobriety at risk. I expected a lot of things to happen in here that didn't (which I'm not telling you some of my ideas because then you know what doesn't happen and that kind of ruins it) and I'm on the fence on whether that's a let down or a bravo- thank you for going around the usual trope and doing something different. Kind of like we all want change until it happens and then we want what we know and are comfortable with. Ultimately though, I did enjoy this one. I really liked Vanessa, she was mindful and conscious of her strengths and weaknesses, she isn't the damsel in distress (which Maisey Yates does a great job of- the women in her books typically aren't looking for a knight on a white horse), and she knows what she wants and what she deserves. Even Jacob, who got a little dicey at the end there, was pretty good because he wasn't the overbearing alpha male but he also doesn't let people walk over him, he has a cool and calm confidence.

I wanted to share a couple of parts of the book I enjoyed:

"She was probably making sure Vanessa knew she had something for her to drink. Which often as a nondrinker Vanessa found to be an issue. Some people didn't seem to understand the concept of drinking for hydration, and not for altered consciousness." 

"'None of us knows what we're doing,' Ellie said, taking a bite of her sandwich. "I don't. I look at Amelia sometimes and I... I still can't believe I'm her mother. Some days I'm so bone tired I swear I'm a ninety-year-old woman. Other days I look around and think... how am I mom? And a teacher? And a widow? How am I all these things when I still feel like a high school girl who hasn't figured any of life out at all."

Overall, this was a good book. Fast read, a couple of steamy scenes, a good set of main characters, and a story to root for. If you're looking for a new series to get into, consider this one because I don't think you're going to be disappointed.

   

Thank you Harper Collins and HQN books for the ARC in exchange for review, all thoughts are my own and I will ramble on and on about a book if you saw me in person but I keep it short(ish) and sweet here because you have the attention span of a squirrel. Also, this post contains affiliate links and that helps keep my snack drawer stocked but also keeps this blog going, but let's be honest- the snacks are more important. 

Happy reading!

Weight Loss Monday: Hard realizations and truths.

I won't even lie, last week sucked. Last week sucked in a lot of ways and had some bright spots too, but for the most part..... it sucked.

Good news is that we had Lucy's speech appointment and she's going to keep getting speech services during the upcoming school year. That appointment was definitely the only highlight of the week for me.

The next day I had my psychiatry appointment, which I had been looking forward to, because it had been 12 weeks since my previous appointment so I felt like this might just be a check in. Maybe just a "increase the dose of Ritalin" appointment because the dose I was on (which was variable, I had a range that I could stay within, depending on my level of exhaustion for the day- so take more if I'm WAY tired and take less if I'm only a little tired).

Instead he explained that you can't just "take more" and it'll work better. I was at the top of the allowed dosage so if it wasn't working, and I felt no change in my level of tired, and I didn't feel any more alert and I didn't have any more energy to do stuff then the next logical step would be to change my medication.

And I knew this. I knew this, and I knew that it might come to this. The next stop on this track is Adderall. Now, do NOT misunderstand me- I understand the need for medication in the treatment of mental illness. I get it, I know it, I'm OK with it. I'm no longer in the "I don't need or want medications" camp because I'm not an idiot, I know that I need these. I am far beyond what nature, exercise, essential oils, chiropractors, yoga, CBD oil, etc can do. I have actual brain damage and I understand that now. I'm OK with it.

But Adderall always scared me. It's always been on the list of medications on my ladder. I have exhausted all of the other options that are in my "OK" list on my GeneSight test. I have done everything right and gone through the side effects and withstood the really horrible days where I wondered why I'm even doing this. But Adderall feels like a failure. Like I'm admitting defeat and I don't know why. I don't know why this one bothers me so much.

Matt picked it up on Thursday and I haven't taken it yet. I will. Probably not this week, if we're being honest.

On Thursday I had to do labs for endocrinology to see what's what. Most of my levels were pretty OK and that's good and normal. A couple of them were a little high.... indicating that I am close to the diabetes fan club and that is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I will stave myself if I have to but being diabetic is not going to happen. Also, I have too much chloride and something else which indicates I'm not getting enough oxygen. Common causes are sleep apnea (have that, but I also have a CPAP machine) and obesity. Which.... guilty. He reiterated that I have to lose weight. It will help the diabetes thing and now the breathing thing.

So that's fun, being told that great, you're walking and that's awesome but also DO MORE RIGHT NOW AND TRY HARDER. So I continue walking. The heat is killing me and I am really struggling with fitness in the heat. I'm going to have to increase myself to two miles because obviously one mile isn't doing the job even though I feel like a sweaty mess after it. I'm going to have to try doing home work outs too. Maybe I can do something in the morning and walk after dinner. I don't know. I'm stressed out and over it all.

Book Review: Something Like Gravity

I can't remember who I was talking to when I mentioned I really haven't read many books in the LGBTQ+ arena because it isn't my jam. I am incredibly support and pro everyone, it's just not the thing that really interests me. I can't really explain it but I normally leave those books for others to enjoy. But then this pretty book showed up at my house and I'm really enjoying the recent YA releases so immediately I was interested. I actually didn't know this was about a transgender boy until I was into the book and I felt like that was how it was meant to be.

Something Like Gravity - Amber Smith

For fans of Love, Simon and Eleanor and Park, a romantic and sweet novel about a transgender boy who falls in love for the first time—and how first love changes us all—from New York Times bestselling author Amber Smith.

Chris and Maia aren’t off to a great start.

A near-fatal car accident first brings them together, and their next encounters don’t fare much better. Chris’s good intentions backfire. Maia’s temper gets the best of her.

But they’re neighbors, at least for the summer, and despite their best efforts, they just can’t seem to stay away from each other.

The path forward isn’t easy. Chris has come out as transgender, but he’s still processing a frightening assault he survived the year before. Maia is grieving the loss of her older sister and trying to find her place in the world without her. Falling in love was the last thing on either of their minds.

But would it be so bad if it happened anyway?

I went into this book not realizing it had a transgender boy. I only read the first three paragraphs and assumed this would be solid, I'd enjoy it, all would be swell.

And then I started reading. I'll tell you right now that I am so glad I didn't skip this one and I am so glad it came into my life. I know there are others who have read this and are critical with how the transgender character was fleshed out and I guess I don't share any of their critiques. I really liked Chris and I thought he was 10000 times better than Maia. I didn't like Maia's character from the start because she seemed greatly immature but also self absorbed. Chris was just genuine and kind, beautiful and strong, just really such a great character.

The book centers on Chris and Maia told in alternating voices. Chris has moved to Carson for the summer to live with his aunt after a pretty scary and horrific event back home which have sent his parents reeling and unsure how to deal so him being in a different location while everyone gets their bearings straight and some perspective is the best solution. Maia is fresh off the unexpected death of her sister and her parent's subsequent divorce. Very much left to her own devices, Maia has tried to... I'm not even sure? Like try to become one with her sister because... I'm not even sure? To feel special? I don't know and I don't think Maia knows.

They come together when Chris almost hits Maia with his car. Naturally.

Over the course of the summer Chris would learn how to open up to someone about being transgender, how to handle those beginning flickers of love and lust, and how to really embrace the realities and challenges of being transgender.

I won't give anything away but I want you to know that the first love and the first heartbreak and all of the feelings that come with it? This author nailed and when I finished the book I could feel in my gut what each of them was feeling. Secondly, I love how the author tackled the horrifying reality of being transgender and experiencing violence and what that does to their family as well. That is a hard topic to handle and she did it really well. Maia's storyline and character development felt a little murky for me. I felt like I expected, and wanted, there to be more to her dark secret and I was a little disappointed when it was what we knew all along. I felt like in real life, that secret wouldn't have warranted the result that it did but.... we're in a book so we get what we get.

In the end, Chris was all that mattered and Chris was so well written for me that it trumps everything else.

Towards the end was a conversation between Chris and his mom that hit me so hard because I am a mom and I understand what she was saying and experiencing. They were talking about Christina become Chris and how Chris didn't understand how his mom was so supportive of the changes of being less girl but wanting to become a boy somehow crossed the line. On page 372:

"You have to understand" - she gripped my hands tights- "you were taking her away from me. That's why I was angry. I had to get all mama tiger on someone, and that someone was you." She coughed, trying to hold back her tears. "And I think I was grieving too, mourning you. I was holding on so hard to the person you used to be, I didn't realize you were still here." 

I feel that to my core. I am going through something with one of my kids where, though I love them fiercely and 100% supportive of their new path, I have to mourn what I had accepted as our future. When you're kids are born there are a set of milestones set in place: walking, talking, school, driving, graduation, first love, prom, college, wedding, grandchildren, etc. When something happens and you realize the future is uncertain and you don't know what milestones are coming, if any, a parent is going to feel sad. Maybe for awhile, maybe for just a minute, and I sometimes wonder if kids forget about that. It's their life and their choices, but as parents we will always want to see you go through these milestones. Even when my kids are 50, I still can't wait to see what they do with their life. All that to say, I could understand Chris's mother.

I highly recommend this book. It's a really great book that tackles transgender, family acceptance, death, grief, teenage love and loss and just being a teenager and how hard it is learning to navigate life and relationships. I really thought this was done well and just enjoyed it start to finish.

   

This post contains affiliate links which helps keep this little blog going. A big thank you Simon & Schuster for a copy to review, all thoughts are my own and I want to hear what your thoughts are on this book! Sound off below!

Walking Queen... young and sweet... only 37....

So... that didn't flow as well as the original but close enough. I don't know where you live but where I live (the very tip of Lake Superior) it was hot as balls all week. But you know what I did? 

 I walked like 5 times. I didn't take pictures every time because I forgot but! I took a picture of me on Monday holding my umbrella because it was sprinkling and looked like it  might downpour but I brought an umbrella because I am only kind of a wussy. I didn't end up needing it because it was still like 82 and I was so warm so the rain actually felt pretty alright. Tuesday was an OK day to walk. Wednesday it was even warmer so as soon as I got home I had to shower because not only was I sweaty and gross, but I couldn't cool down fast enough. Which, I'm finding I'm having a harder and harder time doing so that's inconvenient. Thursday I walked in the morning and promptly came home and ate two Bomb Pops for breakfast because I am a champion. Friday I ended up skipping my neighborhood walk and instead walked around Walmart for an hour with Olivia trying to find a birthday gift for her friend. I put in easily more than a mile and left there irritated to boot because she is the worst shopper. Never has any ideas, never knows what people like, it's just the worst. Saturday I walked around Glensheen Mansion and I was actually pretty tired when I was done so I think in all I did maybe a mile and a half? 

Sunday was rest day because I'm not a masochist. 

This week is going to be kind of stressful and a lot busy. 

Monday I have therapy (THANK GOD) and Lucy has speech where we go over her latest assessment. Tuesday we meet with the school district for an IEP/see-if-you're-bad-enough-to-qualify-for-services meeting. It's pretty bad that I hope Lucy scores low enough to be able to receive services as school. So... cross your fingers. Wednesday I see my psychiatrist to talk about my medications and I like that doctor so that will be fun. Lucy has speech again on Friday and then on Sunday we go to the parenting hell hole also known as Day Out with Thomas the Train! 

Matt is super thrilled. He remembers when we took Olivia and Jackson way back in 2011. 

I actually had to find it in a scrapbook because I didn't remember it and apparently it was hot, it was loud, people were rude, and we got suckered into buying two hats that cost me almost $60. 

So. Should be a good weekend. Ha!

Also, if you're on Instagram, you should come and enter my giveaway. It ends August 1 and I'm probably going to mention it every day until then to be annoying. 

Enter the super cute giveaway HERE!! 

Are you walking? Running? Squats? Eating ice cream on the couch for two meals a day?