Weight Loss Challenge, week 8

I won't have a video for today because I'm in hot mess mode but also because I'm cleaning my house and doing the big clean/purge as you do after Christmas. Lots of stuff are going and yet... I feel like nothing is really going. Does that make sense? I don't know. 

Well this week I'm up from December 1. 

Which is depressing. BUT I'm still down from my start which was 211 so it's not much but it's something. 

I've been doing my 10 minute workouts when I can squeeze them in. Admittedly, there wasn't much this last week because Christmas took over our lives, but I'll tell you that I worked my rear off. Not literally, clearly, but I went to bed every night beyond exhausted. 

This week I'm really working at moving furniture (trying) and cleaning out every possible place that holds stuff we don't need. I'm also going to do the 10 minute workouts still because I'm actually really liking them. I really don't like the guy who leads it because he's the over confident jerk you'd find at the gym, but it's only for 10 minutes so I can do that. 

My diet is going to get better now. I admittedly ate a lot of cookies. I can't help I baked some good ones this year. I got a LOT of candy for Christmas so I'm really pacing myself. I've been reading about a 16-8 Intermittent Fasting discipline.  I'm kind of already doing it without knowing it. I don't eat beyond 7 p.m. and I don't eat again until 1 p.m. when the girls go for nap. I almost never have breakfast or a morning snack. So why this weight isn't pouring off, I DON'T KNOW. But I'm going to finish my Pepsi in the fridge (3 cans) and I am going to quit soda. That's going to be tough because having a can at lunch is kind of my indulgence. But I'm going to quit and see what happens. I've been eating salads for lunch and adding nuts to it for more crunch, but I might find some other add-ins. I got the OK from my doctors but they were a firm no on Keto. Which is OK because I don't know that I would survive on that. HA! I do need to cut my carbs down a bit and that's going to be tough. It turns out I am living on carbs so that's going to be interesting. 

How did you do in December overall? How about this week? I give you a pass for falling off the wagon, Christmas made us do it. But get back on. We're going to do this in 2019. 

Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder. It's a real thing, apparently.

I know that was kind of a long one and it was kind of rambling, but that's just how my brain works now. I can't really fix that. (Thanks, stroke!) But if you want to learn more about Depersonalization or Derealization Disorders, you can go HERE and HERE.

Like I said in my video, I am really struggling with this piece and I feel a mix of, "finally- it's a diagnosis!" and "are you kidding me- what ELSE is wrong with me?!". I mean, on one hand it's great to get a diagnosis because you can always work with that, you can find a fix or a way to cope with it. This kind of feels daunting because the big thing to fix this is talk therapy, but I've been doing that for two years and I just.. I feel GREAT going to that but I feel kind of stuck.

There is also EMDR or CBT therapies to help with PTSD available. What my insurance would cover... I'm not sure. My next concern is I've had a stroke, so I am really nervous about doing anything that might make post stroke symptoms worse or giving me another stroke. I have read a lot of information about both and it sounds safe but I don't know... something in my gut is telling me no. It might be paranoia but I feel like my body isn't stupid. I knew something was very wrong my entire pregnancy with Lucy and I blew it off and look where that got me.

I also mentioned in the video above that I have lost a lot of friends over the last two years. Honestly, I don't blame them. It's really hard to relate to me and I know I have a hard time being the friend that I used to be. I think you get used to someone being a certain way and then they aren't so you break up with them like you would a boyfriend or girlfriend. I get that.

It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I try to "reach out" but part of my issue, a big part of it, is I don't really know how to. I don't really know what I need to be better and I wonder if that makes it seem like I'm doing really well? I tell my therapist I try really hard to not let people see me struggle. I don't want to be seen as helpless, or stupid, or let people see me cry for no reason or wince in pain, all of it. I don't want people to feel sorry for me.

Then she asked me why not? If that's my reality, why am I hiding it?

I don't know if it's because it's a pride thing or if I don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable. Because I know I always felt awkward when someone was disabled in some way and its like, do you hold the door for them? Help them sit? Do you ask if they understand the menu? Like what do you do to be helpful without being rude and assume they can't help themselves?

Even with my family or the people who interact with me fairly often, I hide it. You don't see me cry a few tears in the bathroom because I just can't do it anymore. Or I'm just around the corner wincing in pain and breathing through it. Or I'm biting the inside of my cheek because my stomach hurts so bad I can barely breathe. Or I'm so physically exhausted walking my kid into preschool that I want to burst into tears. Or I'm so exhausted that I want to sleep the rest of the day and I'm desperate for someone to just take over for me. I can't call in sick. I have help and people I can call but I hate being dependent on people. I hate burdening them with my issues. They didn't ask for this. I didn't either, but it's my cross to bear.

So it is really hard. When I say I'm hanging in there, it's all of this and then some. I'm having a hard time juggling all of it with my appointments. I'll be honest and say there are times I'm SO EXHAUSTED by it all that when a doctor asks how I am I just say fine because where do I start? Every single thing is awful. I don't know what is worth mentioning, who I tell it to. No doctor wants that person to show up on their list that day. They must dread seeing my name come up. And I get it. I feel like a burden to medical people now, too.

So that's how things are going for me.

Ha.

Do you have questions about any of it? I guess I can answer questions better than just blindly talking about stuff. You can ask here in the comments or shoot me an email: sarastrand9438 AT hotmail DOT com.

Weight Loss Challenge ep8 (vlog where I learn something new about my junker of a body)

So yeah, that's the vlog for this week. In case you wanted to know which workout I was talking about on Beachbody, it was the 10 Minute Trainer Workout.

As I said in the vlog, I learned this week that secondary adrenal insufficiency and hypopituitarism means I have to exercise differently than say.... a normal person. I have to increase my steroids so my body doesn't go into adrenal fatigue or worse, adrenal crisis. So I'm learning VERY slowly how to read the cues from my body. But the good news from this is that at least me being completely exhausted doesn't mean I'm a total lazy ass or I'm THAT much out of shape, it just means my body doesn't recover like a normal body would. Which.. I think I can work with that. I mean, I'm trying. So this week I'm going to try to do two workouts and increase my steroids on those days and see if I notice any kind of difference. Maybe play around and see if I should take it before or after to see the most difference.

How are you doing on your challenge? Oh! The other surprise? Is I'm finding I have almost no appetite. Even when I do eat it quickly become unappealing and I don't want to eat anymore. So calorie wise I suppose I'm doing really well. I haven't even binged on Christmas cookies. Even my favorites. Unheard of.

BUT- pants are still tight and I'm not noticing any kind of difference anywhere so I guess we continue.

Book Review: I'll Be Your Blue Sky

I haven't been giving you a lot of reviews lately and that's because I'm just not reading as much. I'm hoping to get one, maybe two more in for this calendar year and then I'll pick it up again in January. I can't stay away long, that's for sure.

I'll Be Your Blue Sky - Marisa De Los Santos

On the weekend of her wedding, Clare Hobbes meets an elderly woman named Edith Herron. During the course of a single conversation, Edith gives Clare the courage to do what she should have done months earlier: break off her engagement to her charming, yet overly possessive, fiancé.

Three weeks later, Clare learns that Edith has died—and has given her another gift. Nestled in crepe myrtle and hydrangea and perched at the marshy edge of a bay in a small seaside town in Delaware, Blue Sky House now belongs to Clare. Though the former guest house has been empty for years, Clare feels a deep connection to Edith inside its walls, which are decorated with old photographs taken by Edith and her beloved husband, Joseph.

Exploring the house, Clare finds two mysterious ledgers hidden beneath the kitchen sink. Edith, it seems, was no ordinary woman—and Blue Sky House no ordinary place. With the help of her mother, Viviana, her surrogate mother, Cornelia Brown, and her former boyfriend and best friend, Dev Tremain, Clare begins to piece together the story of Blue Sky House—a decades-old mystery more complex and tangled than she could have imagined. As she peels back the layers of Edith’s life, Clare discovers a story of dark secrets, passionate love, heartbreaking sacrifice, and incredible courage. She also makes startling discoveries about herself: where she’s come from, where she’s going, and what—and who—she loves.

Shifting between the 1950s and the present and told in the alternating voices of Edith and Clare, I’ll Be Your Blue Sky is vintage Marisa de los Santos—an emotionally evocative novel that probes the deepest recesses of the human heart and illuminates the tender connections that bind our lives.

This is an author I so badly want to love because the covers of her books always drag me in. Every single one. Then I start reading the book and it's always something, just a little something I can't name, that just doesn't grab me. Something just isn't enough to hook me on. This time I really think it was the flip flopping between generations, and I really think if the book had been just about Edith or just about Clare, it would have been fine. But trying to combine the two stories and somehow making it one didn't quite jive for me. The other thing that I noticed was a lot of the dialogue and conversational areas in the book read oddly to me. Nobody in real life would have a conversation like this and it made it really hard to read but also to visualize these scenes as you read them. 

I will say, the greater part of the story is living a life with a possessive partner (perhaps in their own way, not outwardly obviously so) was really great. I really liked how the author brought this on subtly, so subtly that you wouldn't pick it up immediately. Clare begins the book trying to list all of the great qualities of the man she's set to marry and she really gets stuck on nine. Then as she thinks more about it, there are little things that he does that are just peculiar enough to seem strange, but not enough where you'd assume anything bad about him. My favorite line in the whole book is so quick but I really thought about it long after: "No one should live with someone who scares her." It just reminded me of the countless books I've read taking place in the 1940-1950 era that featured a woman who was in a terrible relationship but just couldn't get out because that was the time, you just didn't do it. There was another line, "The ones who look like home are home. That's where you go." and that reminds me so much of my husband. If you had told me I'd feel like this ten years ago I would have thought you were nuts, but it makes so much sense now, the older I get.

This is a romance, kind of, but there is a much larger story around that so don't go into this thinking this is a Hallmark movie romance playing out. It's not really that at all, but there are a lot of things that pop up seemingly connecting Edith and Clare together and some of those are a bit much, but it's interesting enough to keep you reading to see how this all ends.

Overall I'd give this one 3 stars. It's a really slow start, it's an interesting story, and this would make a really interesting book club read.

   

Weight Loss Challenge, ep. 7

So last week was a dud. I have some goals for this week and I set some alarms on my phone, and left myself some notes about what I need to do during the day. It sounds really dumb, but just because I know what my alarm means today, doesn't mean I'm going to remember on Thursday. The only day that might be a challenge for me is Wednesday because Penelope has a parent activity day at school and I'm going to that. Then on Thursday it's Lucy's play day at the community play group so we are going to go. Olivia also has her band concert that night! With that said, I'll have to put a reminder up so I can remember to change my alarm those days to sometime during nap time. Which I think I can do.

What's really cool is I found my resistance loops! I bought these online a few months ago and I remember using them for I think the prenatal/post natal workout on Beachbody on Demand and they are no joke. I was using the easiest one (the green one) and I'm not kidding, my thighs were screaming the next day. So if you're looking to make your regular workouts harder, put these on your legs as you do various things, it doesn't feel like it's doing anything but the day after you will notice.

My next challenge? I have to finder lighter weights. I have small 3 pound weights right now, but to be honest? Those are too much for me. I have to go lighter and I feel 100% stupid going into the store to do that, so I'm going to get these after Christmas on Amazon.

The unexpected win from this week? I've been hip deep in making Christmas cookies and treats and I've only had three cookies. That's it. I'm just not into them this year. So let's hope this a trend that continues. Have four kids and a husband who like them all helps a lot. Ha! 

Alright, tomorrow I have a book review for you, and I've got a couple other posts for you later this week, including one I'll share from the Duluth Moms Blog about Christmas organization. Stay tuned! 

The wish list books. I narrowed it down from ALL of them.

The other day I shared my regular wish list, but if you know me at all you know I also have a completely separate list just for books. 

Brittainy C. Cherry - Elements series

      

Notes From a Public Typewriter

This was a cool book I heard about this year. This small bookstore owner set up a typewriter in a back corner of his store and anyone could type whatever they wanted on it anonymously. This is the published version of all of those confessions. 

Block Shot 

I read the first book in this series a few months ago and was BLOWN AWAY. I absolutely must read this one. 

Damien 

I am a big fan of J.Kenner and I saw this one on Instagram and instantly added it to my wish list. 

This duo

I'm a big fan of Meghan Quinn and read a couple of other books by her this year and really liked them, so I'm excited to read these. 

  

Dane's Storm

Again, Mia Sheridan was a new to me author this year and I am such a fan. This is one I don't have in my collection and it looks good!

Becoming

If you know me at all, you know I am a BIG fan of Michelle Obama. I wish she was my bestie and she would show up at my house to shoot the breeze with. 

You could also look at my want-to-read list on Goodreads and look at how insane that is. 

I also have to share this because this is my absolute FAVORITE Christmas song now. I hate the original, but I love, love, LOVE this song so much when Kelly sings it. Yeah, that's right, I think The Sound of Music sucks. I thought it sucked when I was in school and had to watch it in music class and I think it sucks as an adult. But I love Kelly Clarkson and her version is so great. 

Weight Loss Challenge, ep. 6 (Month 1 weigh in!)

Alright, so I know you want to see what my weight in is. 

If you look back on my first weigh in (here) you'll see I started at 211.4 pounds. So I am down 2 pounds. 

It's not ground breaking for sure, but it's progress, and that's the name of this game. 

I'd really like to maybe lose two pounds in the month of December too. Five pounds would be the super goal but two is my realistic goal.

Clearly my challenge this month is going to be baked goods but I'm trying to tell myself I can have baked goods, and exercise, and be OK. 

The other development is that I did talk to my Endocrinologist about maybe reducing my steroid and he did not give me the go ahead on that. I mentioned how tired I was every day and how I feel sick to my stomach all of the time and that basically sealed the deal on that. Normally you would lower your dose until you felt sick, and that's when you would know what your threshold is. Given that I'm having the symptoms now technically means I should go up a little bit but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to manage my symptoms and do what I can on this dose. Which is frustrating and disappointing. 

My diet this month wasn't stellar but it definitely wasn't horrible either so I'm going to try to do a little better this month. I've been trying to eat more salads at lunch time because it's better than nothing but also because I need the roughage. We won't talk about why, but let's just know that I'm going that route for other reasons. 

We would normally go out to Wendy's for lunch on Saturday or Sunday as a family when we run errands, and we haven't done that at all in November. That's saved some money but also, less fast food, and that's always a good improvement. 

Oh! Real challenge is still my weak ass bladder. You guys, I should not need a pad or special underwear to work out in. I'm not kidding. Drip, drip, gush. It's becoming a real issue and I'm tired of it. It used to be jumping jacks and that's fine because those suck. But light jog in place? That should be do-able. 

It is not. 

I refuse to buy Depends, even the "fancy" ones. Does anyone make adult diapers on Etsy or something? I'm too young for this crap.