Lucy turned 3 and we all got through it.

I have SO many posts for you coming up and you're going to just be so overwhelmed which is only right because I am super overwhelmed with life right now so here we are. We are fresh from our trip to Missouri (more on that another day) and right before we left we celebrated Lucy turning three. My rationale was that if I did her party and then we immediately left I wouldn't have time to dwell and be in my feelings. 

And that worked for a few days and then it's all kind of waited for me so I'm still not sure if that was the best tactic after all, but I guess we'll see. I'll give it time. 

Anyways. 

On her actual birthday we just did a small party among our little family of six. 

We played in the yard for most of the day, and she had a really good time.  

 Birthday tradition says the birthday person picks our dinner and no surprise, she picked spaghetti. So that's what we had and she couldn't have been happier. 

 We only do cupcakes on that night because it's cheaper than a cake and we usually have a cake during our all family party. 

 But she didn't mind. 

 She gets a present. I usually only give them one gift on their actual birthday and maybe two or three on their party day. 

On party day we were really lucky because my brother and his wife and two kids were able to come up (they live five + hours away). 

 I found these spray bottles at Michaels with liquid chalk on clearance and the kids decorated my patio area. 

 Thankfully it was washable because they got it on themselves. 

 We had a BBQ lunch and the kids ate their weight in blueberries. 

 Anytime you ask Lucy to smile, this is still the face you get. I'm kind of hoping she grows out of this soon. 

 She really loved her cake. She's a huge fan of Toy Story and though we haven't gotten to see the newest movie, the bonus is that all of the stores have toys and stuff for it, so she got a Toy Story cake. 

 We opened presents. Her cousin Adriana helped her out. 

 My mother in law got her a Baby Shark that plays the song and Lucy absolutely LOVES IT. 

 Penelope is especially enamored with her cousin Mason. He's super cute and she's always hugging him. 

 Lucy's "big" gift were a few more Calico Critters so her and Adriana played with those for a long time. 

Before they left I got a quick picture with my niece because she's just the cutest thing ever and I love her so much. Every time she comes up here I always try to have crafty things to do with the kids and this time it was calm down jars and slime. Both were a hit and I'm still finding glitter everywhere. I hope she has good memories of her Auntie Sara when she gets older. 

Overall? The party was fun. It was an OK couple of days and I didn't have a lot of time to dwell and be sad and angry. I'm feeling all of that now but I have therapy on the 19th so I can make it another week. This means I'll have had a three week stretch with no therapy and it's been ROUGH. I'm trudging through though. 

Tomorrow I'll talk about our Missouri trip and share some photos. Hang tight. 

Book Review: The Birthday Girl

No weight loss post this week, friends. That isn't to say I didn't exercise because oh I did, but I'll talk about how physically exhausting last week was for me when I talk about our trip on Wednesday, so watch for that. Today though, I have a review for a book that I've seen everywhere. It's all over Instagram and Facebook, I've seen it pop on Twitter, I've seen it on store shelves, it's everywhere. You may know Melissa de la Cruz from her wonderful young adult books but she's coming back to adult fiction in a big way with this one.

The Birthday Girl - Melissa de la Cruz

Ellie de Florent-Stinson is celebrating her fortieth birthday with a grand celebration in her fabulous house in Palm Springs.

At forty, it appears Ellie has everything she ever wanted: a handsome husband; an accomplished, college-age stepdaughter; a beautiful ten-year-old girl; two adorable and rambunctious six-year-old twin boys; lush, well-appointed homes in Los Angeles, Park City, and Palm Springs; a thriving career as a well-known fashion designer of casual women's wear; and a glamorous circle of friends.

Except everything is not quite as perfect as it looks on the outside—Ellie is keeping many secrets. This isn’t the first of her birthday parties that hasn't gone as planned. Something happened on the night of her sweet sixteenth. Something she’s tried hard to forget.

But hiding the skeletons of her past comes at a cost, and all of Ellie’s secrets come to light on the night of her fabulous birthday party in the desert—where everyone who matters in her life shows up, invited or not. Old and new, friends and frenemies, stepdaughters and business partners, ex-wives and ex-husbands congregate, and the glittering facade of her life crumbles in one eventful night. 

Beautifully paced and full of surprises, The Birthday Girl is an enthralling tale of a life lived in shadow, and its unavoidable consequences.

You guys. If you know me at all you know that I usually read thrillers and such in the fall and I have absolutely no idea why, it's just what I do. I don't even do it on purpose, it's just what comes to me in the fall and what I buy without thinking about it so here we are. I have a copy of The Birthday Girl in my hands and it's almost fall, so why not.

First off, this book was really good. I'm going to start you with that and I'm giving this a solid 4 stars and the only reason I wouldn't give it 5 is because I was getting confused as to who was who with nicknames and I'm not sure if this is from my cognitive impairment or if it's an intentional act by the author because by the time I got to the end and I finally realized who everyone was, it felt like all the tumblers clicked into place and I was left with my jaw open. It's like looking at a 3D puzzle and its all blurry and weird, but as soon as you put the glasses on the picture is clear as day? That is what this book was for me. To say this author crafted this story into a weird web that takes you awhile to get through is an understatement.

In this book we have Ellie, throwing her own 40th birthday party for no other reason than to show people (more like herself) that she made it. She isn't the trailer trash girl she was destined to be, that everyone thought she would be. She's rich, she's successful, she has it all, and she always wants to one up the next person. Because she can. The guest list is extensive from people she barely knows to the people from her past who know more than they should and they know that under all the glitz and makeup is a girl from a dirty trailer park with a whole other life of secrets.

The book is a dual timeline so we read about this party as it unfolds but also have flashes from her past, giving some context to why she is the way she is but also the events that led her to this day. Not only did the book keep me completely hooked because I wanted to know who Ellie really was, the absolute history of this character is unbelievable.

The beginning is a little bit slow, the middle is all of these clues thrown at you and you start to feel like the ball of yarn is unwinding and the end is just, what the hell just happened. My real quips is her husband Todd, we go through the whole book thinking he's kind of an ass and his mentioning in the book is just meh, kind of like he dropped off the planet. Also, Harry Kim, the investor in her business. I get where the author was going with that piece of the story but it felt like an unnecessary extra to me, there was enough drama in the book as it was that it didn't need to be added.

Overall? I liked this one. I read this one while on vacation, flew through it, and it was a good start to my fall suspense pile. This is kind of like suspense light because it isn't like an episode of Law & Order but it's still enough to keep you hooked until the end.

   

A huge thank you to Melissa de la Cruz, Dutton, and MB Communications for sending me an ARC for review! All thoughts expressed are my own, and this post contains affiliate links which help keep this blog going. If you give this one a try, let me know what you thought of it, I'm interested to see if it kept you on your toes! 

Book Review: The Air He Breathes (Element Series, Book 1)

I begged Matt to get me this series for Christmas, and he did, and I'm just now getting to them. Ahem. At least I'm getting to them! Right??

The Air He Breathes - Brittainy C. Cherry

I was warned about Tristan Cole.

“Stay away from him,” people said.

“He’s cruel.”

“He’s cold.”

“He’s damaged.”

It’s easy to judge a man because of his past. To look at Tristan and see a monster.

But I couldn’t do that. I had to accept the wreckage that lived inside of him because it also lived inside of me.

We were both empty.

We were both looking for something else. Something more.

We both wanted to put together the shattered pieces of our yesterdays.

Then perhaps we could finally remember how to breathe.

If you know me at all you know I love a good romance and if the premise is a guy full of angst and in need of saving, and a girl who is the perfect person to save him? I am all in! I'm all in because I am that person who thinks she can save people and yeah.... it doesn't work out well for me ever but I remain hopeful. Ha! 

In this book we have Elizabeth, fresh off the death of her husband in a car crash, leaving her a young widow with a five year old daughter. We have Tristan who is fresh off the death of his wife and child from a car crash (I know what you're thinking and I refuse to confirm or deny). While Elizabeth is pulling herself together and trying to move forward without acknowledging her pain, Tristan has gone off the deep end and has become the town recluse that people make stories about and he's angry.

She hits his dog and they definitely don't hit it off.

But over time things progress and the entire development of their friendship into relationship is just really, really well planned out and you're moving through the book but you don't feel like it's going 0 to 60, which is really nice. You see the destructive behavior of both of them and you feel like you're watching them grow, come apart, and come together again.

Oh, and then we casually add in a nut job that gives us some drama that we don't see coming from anywhere and I loved it because I love some drama to spice up a book. Overall? I'm going to give this one a 4.5 because the only thing I could knock it down with are a couple of cheesy spots and one spot where I thought Elizabeth was being unrealistic and bitchy, but that's me being picky.

   

This was a purchased book and all thoughts are my own, as usual. I did use some affiliate links in here so if you purchase through them it's no charge to you but I get a couple of cents (literally) and it helps keep this blog going. If you read this one, let me know what you thought- I'm curious to see if anyone has read the rest of the series!

Weight Loss Monday: The heat is killing me.

You guys, I'm not kidding when I tell you the heat might actually kill me. It's been so hot and I'm trying so hard to not complain because I absolutely hate winter with everything in me and it's coming but holy balls.

It's hot, y'all.

I had to switch it up for this week because not only was it hot but some evenings it was absolutely pouring and while I'm game to go walking in moderate rain with my little umbrella, when it's a severe weather alert I'm just not going to do it.

Instead I used my little bike thing at home and went three miles on that. To be honest though I don't know if it's a real three miles because it took me about a half hour and my legs only felt a little wobbly. Whatever- it was something.

Other days I did walk and it was OK. I've really been into podcasts lately and I've listened to this one three times now. It's so good. So  many great lines but one that has been sticking with me, "When you avoid conflict to make peace with other people, you start a war within." And I'll be honest, I had a hard time following Russell Brand because he speaks far beyond my intelligence level but Brene Brown is really good and I'm kind of obsessively watching and listening to everything I can find of hers online during my walks and that's been good.



So other than that, it's OK. I'm trying. I'm doing the best I can. I'm going out at least three times a week but my ultimate goal if five. I think eventually I'll need to make it a seven day a week thing but I'll get there.

How are you doing? Do you have podcasts you really, really enjoy? Share them with me because I'm almost through my list!

The cusp of 3.

I often wonder if I am always going to feel the way I do now about Lucy's birth. My therapist says it might change over time but it might not, because your body will always remember what happened to it, like a reflex. I might not remember, but my body does so there is a natural fear response happening. Which is such a weird thing to think about but I suppose it's true.

It's hard to tell you exactly how I feel on this day. The day before Lucy was born is my last real memory and that's not even really true because I don't have memories like you, I can't replay a scene like an old movie in my head. What I remember are the actual snapshots that we took of the day.

I remember Penelope standing next to roses at the Rose Garden in Duluth. I don't remember Olivia or Jackson. I don't remember Matt, but I remember taking this photo. It's so weird, but mostly scary, to look at this photo and know that that person died the very next day. It doesn't look like me. Well it does, but I don't recognize it as me. To me it's like looking at an ex-wife of Matt, which is weird because I know it's me..... but its not. 

It's strange to know this woman is dead. She died the very next day and somehow I'm here in that body and nothing about it feels familiar. I cannot tell you how many times I have stood in that exact same spot to see if a memory would come, would I remember standing there? Would I remember what it was like to be pregnant? Would I remember what it felt like to have a baby inside of me? 

To say this has been a hard three years is an understatement. I can't remember all of the doctor visits, the medical buildings, the procedures, the lab work, the waiting rooms, the hope, the disappointment, the frustration, the desperation, the resignation that I've had in these three years. I know its there and I guess its best if I don't remember it all. 

Not one person in the whole world can tell me that I haven't tried to get better. That I haven't marched forward, kept swimming, climbed the mountain, done the work. I have taken bad news like a champ and not told anyone. I have accepted the looks from people who think I'm crazy, I've been told to "just deal with it" and kept my mouth shut even though I want to scream, "I FUCKING AM" but I don't. I've become a better person because I really believe if I do good I will get good back and I just so desperately need that some days. 

I have confronted really awful truths from my past that I haven't told anyone, ever. Matt doesn't know. My mother doesn't know. My best friends don't know. I can see things around me a little more clearly now which is bittersweet because I realize how awful some people are and I never saw it before. I have lost friends. I at least know which ones are fair weather friends too but that comes with its own wave of disappointment. I have battled crippling depression, I have sat in darkened closets and in my car in the dead of winter wishing I could just die and thinking that being alive is really the cruelest punishment of all. 

I have confronted the things that hurt me the most. Did you know that I never look at my scar? I think sometimes maybe I don't lose weight because if I did the scar would be more prevalent on me. It's just a scar, millions of people have them and ones just like mine, it shouldn't bother me, but it does. It brings feelings of anxiety and panic. I get a tingling in my chest and I can't catch my breath. I feel fear, like something is trying to get me and I need to run.

So I don't look at it. I don't look at myself in the mirror anymore because I don't know this person or this body. I want to be old Sara so badly and I know I can't and so I feel shame. I feel shame because I'm not pretty and I'm not skinny, and no matter how many times Matt assures me I'm still attractive I don't believe him because he has to say that. 

I hate feeling broken. I hate feeling like everything in my body is malfunctioning and there isn't a fix. Sometimes I lash out. Sometimes I scream in a pillow until my voice is raw. Sometimes I go on walks and cry so hard neighbors look at me, probably wondering if I'm OK or crazy. Sometimes I sit and my car and cry. Sometimes I cry in the shower. Sometimes I cry when the girls nap.  I have to deal with everyone else and their problems and I'm dying a little more inside. I know it's daunting when I tell people it's going to be like this forever, like "Ugh, we have to help her FOREVER?!" and believe me, what you feel? I am more angry than you are. Trust me.

And then I have Lucy.  Lucy is really the best thing in the whole world. I wish I remembered what it was like to be pregnant with her. I wish I could have seen her born or remember what it was like the first moments with her. I wish I remembered what she was like as a baby. What she smelled like. I wish I could remember what her fuzzy hair felt like. How little she was. I wish I could remember her looking at me like I was the greatest thing in the world. Or what it felt like to rock her to sleep, or hold her on my chest. The irony is that I don't do well around pregnant women or little babies because they scare me and are a PTSD trigger... which I never knew was a thing until I'm in the thick of it.

It's weird to think I took this picture on Sunday, but I don't remember. I can piece things together. I know we were at Thomas the Train, I know we were on a train, I know it was summer. Anything else? I have to ask Matt because it's not there. I know I think I'll remember, I always do, and then I don't and I'm angry that I'm so stupid and thought that in the first place. But I forget how quickly I forget.

So tomorrow Lucy is 3. Tonight I'll go to bed absolutely petrified of what will happen. I'll be scared, panicky, and sad all day. I will try not to show it because I don't want to ruin her birthday. I will cry when I go to bed. I will pull it together because on Friday she has a doctor appointment and I need to pull it together. On Saturday we have her party and I will try to not cry and not ruin it. I will try to smile and be happy. Because ultimately, nobody cares. And it's OK. It's not your burden. It's not your PTSD or depression. It's not your trauma. It's not your stolen memories. You aren't broken. You don't understand where I'm at. You don't know that all the therapy in the world can't fix this and suddenly make me normal. And it's OK.

I'll keep trying anyway. I will fake it until I make it. I will get through today. And the next. And even the next after that. I can only do what I can do.

Book Review: Lone Wolf Cowboy (Gold Valley #7)

You have NO IDEA how happy I was to open my book mail and find this gem in it because I asked my local library if they were getting this and they looked at me like I had a third eye, so that meant I was on my own! Lucky for you, it comes out TODAY. So order it and tell me what you think.

Lone Wolf Cowboy (Gold Valley #7) - Maisey Yates

As a former EMT and a wildland firefighter, there's no one Jacob Dalton can't rescue--except himself. Since his best friend's tragic death, Jacob has isolated himself...until Vanessa Logan returns to Gold Valley. He saved her life during a medical call years ago, and he's never forgotten her. The instant jolt of heat between them takes him by surprise, but he knows that giving in to it would only end in disaster...

For Vanessa, returning home was about healing, not about exploring her attraction with Jacob. He is the guardian angel from her past--with strong, capable hands and an irresistible mouth. A temptation she knows she can't afford. Until the chemistry between them explodes, and unites them in a way they could never have imagined.

Full disclosure, I have not read every book in the Gold Valley series, I think I've read three others and this one makes four. I could be wrong because I get this confused with the Copper Ridge series and I also sometimes put my pants on backwards so honestly, I'm always really very confused. Anyways, what I'm telling you is that you do NOT need to read these in order, it's totally fine. You will be fine. (Can I just say though? If Caleb is not the next story I will be very unhappy.)

Anyhoodles.

In this book we have Vanessa coming back to Gold Valley after leaving several years ago. She was a wild teenager, fell into drugs and alcohol and experienced some really awful things, but after court ordered rehab she realized she had different options. She sobered up, became an art teacher, and took a chance on a job back in Gold Valley teaching art to troubled youth, which seems like a natural calling for her. Then we have Jacob who has a past full of demons which make him feel like isolating himself is better for everyone else but also a kind of punishment for himself. They meet, they hit it off, she gets pregnant, crap hits the fan. That's the gist of it. Basically.

OK, I'm giving this one a 4 and I'm teetering on a 3.5/3 only because I really wanted more of a boom. Something that puts her sobriety at risk. I expected a lot of things to happen in here that didn't (which I'm not telling you some of my ideas because then you know what doesn't happen and that kind of ruins it) and I'm on the fence on whether that's a let down or a bravo- thank you for going around the usual trope and doing something different. Kind of like we all want change until it happens and then we want what we know and are comfortable with. Ultimately though, I did enjoy this one. I really liked Vanessa, she was mindful and conscious of her strengths and weaknesses, she isn't the damsel in distress (which Maisey Yates does a great job of- the women in her books typically aren't looking for a knight on a white horse), and she knows what she wants and what she deserves. Even Jacob, who got a little dicey at the end there, was pretty good because he wasn't the overbearing alpha male but he also doesn't let people walk over him, he has a cool and calm confidence.

I wanted to share a couple of parts of the book I enjoyed:

"She was probably making sure Vanessa knew she had something for her to drink. Which often as a nondrinker Vanessa found to be an issue. Some people didn't seem to understand the concept of drinking for hydration, and not for altered consciousness." 

"'None of us knows what we're doing,' Ellie said, taking a bite of her sandwich. "I don't. I look at Amelia sometimes and I... I still can't believe I'm her mother. Some days I'm so bone tired I swear I'm a ninety-year-old woman. Other days I look around and think... how am I mom? And a teacher? And a widow? How am I all these things when I still feel like a high school girl who hasn't figured any of life out at all."

Overall, this was a good book. Fast read, a couple of steamy scenes, a good set of main characters, and a story to root for. If you're looking for a new series to get into, consider this one because I don't think you're going to be disappointed.

   

Thank you Harper Collins and HQN books for the ARC in exchange for review, all thoughts are my own and I will ramble on and on about a book if you saw me in person but I keep it short(ish) and sweet here because you have the attention span of a squirrel. Also, this post contains affiliate links and that helps keep my snack drawer stocked but also keeps this blog going, but let's be honest- the snacks are more important. 

Happy reading!

Weight Loss Monday: Hard realizations and truths.

I won't even lie, last week sucked. Last week sucked in a lot of ways and had some bright spots too, but for the most part..... it sucked.

Good news is that we had Lucy's speech appointment and she's going to keep getting speech services during the upcoming school year. That appointment was definitely the only highlight of the week for me.

The next day I had my psychiatry appointment, which I had been looking forward to, because it had been 12 weeks since my previous appointment so I felt like this might just be a check in. Maybe just a "increase the dose of Ritalin" appointment because the dose I was on (which was variable, I had a range that I could stay within, depending on my level of exhaustion for the day- so take more if I'm WAY tired and take less if I'm only a little tired).

Instead he explained that you can't just "take more" and it'll work better. I was at the top of the allowed dosage so if it wasn't working, and I felt no change in my level of tired, and I didn't feel any more alert and I didn't have any more energy to do stuff then the next logical step would be to change my medication.

And I knew this. I knew this, and I knew that it might come to this. The next stop on this track is Adderall. Now, do NOT misunderstand me- I understand the need for medication in the treatment of mental illness. I get it, I know it, I'm OK with it. I'm no longer in the "I don't need or want medications" camp because I'm not an idiot, I know that I need these. I am far beyond what nature, exercise, essential oils, chiropractors, yoga, CBD oil, etc can do. I have actual brain damage and I understand that now. I'm OK with it.

But Adderall always scared me. It's always been on the list of medications on my ladder. I have exhausted all of the other options that are in my "OK" list on my GeneSight test. I have done everything right and gone through the side effects and withstood the really horrible days where I wondered why I'm even doing this. But Adderall feels like a failure. Like I'm admitting defeat and I don't know why. I don't know why this one bothers me so much.

Matt picked it up on Thursday and I haven't taken it yet. I will. Probably not this week, if we're being honest.

On Thursday I had to do labs for endocrinology to see what's what. Most of my levels were pretty OK and that's good and normal. A couple of them were a little high.... indicating that I am close to the diabetes fan club and that is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I will stave myself if I have to but being diabetic is not going to happen. Also, I have too much chloride and something else which indicates I'm not getting enough oxygen. Common causes are sleep apnea (have that, but I also have a CPAP machine) and obesity. Which.... guilty. He reiterated that I have to lose weight. It will help the diabetes thing and now the breathing thing.

So that's fun, being told that great, you're walking and that's awesome but also DO MORE RIGHT NOW AND TRY HARDER. So I continue walking. The heat is killing me and I am really struggling with fitness in the heat. I'm going to have to increase myself to two miles because obviously one mile isn't doing the job even though I feel like a sweaty mess after it. I'm going to have to try doing home work outs too. Maybe I can do something in the morning and walk after dinner. I don't know. I'm stressed out and over it all.