Thursday, April 7, 2011

How I was almost killed by Cujo.

For those of you long standing lambwhores, you probably remember my post about the big fucking dog who almost killed me but instead took advantage of me like a useless whore. And you would remember that I have a fear of dogs in general, but if the dog is smaller than a yippy dippy doggie, then I'm really scared.

Because I associate pretty much all big dogs with Cujo.

And not that I even watched that movie in whole. I think I made it like 20 minutes in or whenever the first of the rapid dog violence started and promptly shut that shit off.


So tonight, I stopped off at my friend Jen's house for a bit and somehow before I left I talked about the dogs in the 'hood and how some of them scare the shit out of me. We had a good chuckle and on my way I went. I was going to do my 1.2 mile run and then walk another 1.5 miles and be done for the night because I have a headache and all that. Ok. So I'm on my way.

First, I encounter punks playing with BB guns on the street. Fun. And also kind of scary.

As I get around the corner I start my run and I'm trucking along pretty well, noticing my legs are cramping up like a mother fucker and I'm wondering (out loud) if it's always going to feel like I'm going to die during the entire length of my run. And if that's the case, why do people do this for fun? What the fuck is wrong with them?

OK. So I make it maybe half way through my route and I see Cujo, pissing on someones wagon that was left on a sidewalk. My plan of action is always to not make any eye contact with the BFD's, (big fucking dog) and hope it doesn't follow. Obviously, that doesn't always work (see original story I linked to) but for the most part- dogs don't want to chase you if you don't look terrified. Looking terrified just ups the fun for the BFD I think. I have my sunglasses on, but I see Cujo and my blood pressure sky rockets. Cujo is huge. He's literally the size of the real Cujo and could easily use my leg as a bone. I keep running and when I turn a corner, I see that fucker is following me.

Obviously, I am not a normal person and I do not learn my lesson and so I start running faster. Literally, as fast as I can and trying to avoid pine cones and shit. Cujo starts barking furiously and growling (which is obviously loud because I can hear it over my iPod) and I'm like seriously going to cry because something about me says "let's chase her" and frankly? I'm getting kind of sick of it.

So I'm running and Cujo is jumping at me and I basically have no idea what to do. Out of NOWHERE this gross looking old guy (who I'm pretty sure is on the sex offender registry in my 'hood) comes up with a fucking dog treat and it turns out this is his dog.

I am appalled that this asshole is rewarding a dog with a fucking treat for almost mauling me. My pants are covered in slobber, I've got little red marks on my legs from where I was scratched and nipped, and I'm pissed. So I start raving about how we have god damn leash laws and if this fucker doesn't chain the beast up or put it down I'm calling the cops. You know what he says???

"Hey- don't you run past here every day? You look hot."


Not only was I almost mauled by a BFD but I was just hit on by a sex offender.

Clearly, I need to alter my route. Matt told me (as he's suggested previously) that he's going to get me a Neighborhood Survival Kit fanny pack that contains mace, a rape whistle, a weapon and some dog treats.

Ugh. So I've showered, put my clothes in the wash and put antiseptic shit on my legs. I *probably* need a Tetanus shot or something? I haven't had any kind of immunization since I was like 12. I'm now 29. So yeah. I'm probably due for a bunch. BUT I'm kind of a baby and I'm scared of needles. So.. death by lockjaw probably is going to happen eventually. That's if rabies doesn't get me first.


Oilfield Trash said...

This kind of shit only happens to you.

And I could just see you running down the street trying to get your anti-dog-rape kit out and dropping all of the items one by one as you are running. lol

Unknown said...

Animal Control.

The end.

And that's coming from a pet lover.

cakeologist said...

You would not like my dog! He bites!

Danielle said...

That is just obnoxious! I thought of you the other day as I went for what turned out to be my last outdoor run and there was a BFD in my neighbor's yard. It's a rottweiler mixed with someone else, might be an american bulldog mix but it's fucking scary looking. Luckily he didn't follow me because my parents live in upscale suburbia and either their yards are fenced or their dogs are trained to not break through the electric fence. If I were you I would take Matt up on his neighborhood survival kit offer! :)

Anonymous said...

lmao. I love that he complimented you! Motivation right? haha

Asha said...

OMG! I'm glad you are okay even though you need all those shots The worst encounter I ever had with a dog was the time I was putting my daughter (then an infant) into the car. Out the corner of my eye I saw this huge dog barreling towards me. In a split second, I slammed the car door thinking I don't have time to get in but I can protect my kid...of course, I didn't think about the fact that my blood splattering all over the windows would scar her or anything. As soon as the dog made it to me, I braced myself for an attack as it jumped on me. Instead of being ripped limb from limb, I got the nastiest, slobbery kiss across my cheek. Thankfully, the dog was Cujo's retarded cousin.

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

My daughter came in while I was reading this and made me explain to her what it was all about and when I told her she stated laughing she thought it sounded funny you running away from a creepy sex offenders dog. She said are you sure it wanted to attack you maybe it just wanted to hump you being that it is owned by a creepy sex offender go figure............

I would love to run but with my bladder I would end up wetting myself........

Also I have a hard enough time walking let alone running.

Anonymous said...

I have officially begun my day with a roaring laugh! I actually have 2 Cujo BFDs at my house and as I read this post, I pictured you running and both of them at your heels (closer to your ass cheeks). You need to understand that running is a really fun game for them, the faster you run, the more fun! Sorry you had such a bad experience but thanks for making my day!

Unknown said...

Tell those damn dogs to leave our lamb whore leader alone! & definitely change your route (or stick to the fuckmill) cause that is creeeeeeeepy!

Julie H said...

ok. First of all, call animal control. Even if it happened yesterday. What if that was a little kid?

Second, you need to carry either a small bat/piece of pipe and/or mace/pepper spray.

Third, find a new route, that guy is freaking scary!

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

Well... you know... at least you look hot. That ought to count for something right?

Jen @ Dear Mommy Brain said...

I don't understand running. I think it's torture. However, I wish I could be a runner so I was contemplating doing c25k... I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

Ang said...

yuck! and then yuck again!

Pick a new path and make sure Matt acts on that survival kit, sounds like it might come in handy!