Wednesday, March 1, 2017

I'm not REALLY here. Mama is OUT.

In recent therapy sessions my therapist has really pushed me taking a break from life and responsibilities, take some time to decompress and reflect on all that the last seven months has been. Think about what I need to do going forward to not let life get me down. I need to do a better job recognizing what my limits are now.

So, I'm in Vegas. 

Like right now, I am in Vegas. I flew out with my friend Tammy on Wednesday. It was a last minute decision, we found a great deal, she was able to get time off, and we were able to finagle kid care on my end and Matt told me to go. I think he has been pretty concerned about me and just didn't know what to do so when I tentatively asked him, thinking he'd say no, I was really surprised when he said absolutely- he'll handle the details on this end. 

I mean, I was really surprised. 

We don't have the money to toss into the wind like this but we've been really diligent with our Financial Peace University stuff, we got a decent tax return, and I wasn't going alone. I'm kind of scared to see how I'll do out of my daily routine I basically cling to, so far any major disruption has caused me to be confused (brain blinks), and I'm scared on what to do if I get sick. Or what if something happens? I'm kind of nervous, but at the same time, I refuse to be a hermit. I cannot live my life like that and I refuse. I want to be able to go out into the world like a normal person and not be worried something is going to happen. 

And I can't lie, part of me is worried that I'll have a break and enjoy it too much, maybe feel like not coming back. That scares me. Then I worry, what if I go and I come back home and I don't feel any happier? What if I end up resenting my life here? I'm in a scary damned if I do, damned if I don't position and I don't like it. Not at all. But I don't know what else to do.

I've been kind of quiet about my trip because the few people I have told about it have given me mixed reactions. It's basically a 50/50 split between the, "You deserve it- get out while you can!" and "What the hell is wrong with you? Could you be any more selfish?". No, I can't, and that's the problem. It's been my problem all along and I'm trying to do better. It has been drilled into me if I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of anyone else, and so I'm trying. I'm really trying to do everything I can to get better. 

So it's going to be quiet around these parts for a few days, but don't worry- next week I'm sure I'll have stories for you. Anything can happen with two non-drinking, non-partying, non-gambling moms in Vegas, right? 


Ruth said...

I think a lot of mothers forget how to do nice things for themselves. We put ourselves last and when we do things for us it feels wrong and sometimes other people act like it is wrong too. If Matt is fine with it, that is all that matters.
Try and enjoy. I have a friend that lives out there and she always said just going to the strip and people watch is fun.

Sara Schubert-McKone said...

Mothers forget to take time for themselves! I think we get into such a routine it's hard to make time for us, or we feel guilty because someone else has to "pick up" our "slack." Sometimes a reset can be the best medicine. Enjoy your trip, and screw those who are judging, tell them to worry about their own damn selves!

Julie H said...

I hope you are having fun! It's worth it for the people watching on the street if nothing else :)

Why Girls Are Weird said...

I legit was so psyched when I saw you went to Vegas! You definitely need to take time for yourself. You have a lot on your plate and sometimes you just deserve a break. Good for you.