The Halloween That Broke Me

I'm not trying to be dramatic with the title, but it really feels like Halloween is going to be the event I look back on to say, this is it- this is where I lost my actual mind. It wasn't the start of the pandemic, it wasn't even summer. It was Halloween.  

Halloween was supposed to be OK. I really debated for weeks on what we were going to do. I chickened out and didn't buy tickets for Boo at the Zoo. I bought costumes and I bought candy to hand out thinking maybe we would go out. In the end, I chickened out because I was afraid we'd get sick but also, I was afraid numbers city wide would spike and we'd be virtual schooling so I thought I would do my part. 

So my shark, Golden Armor Wonder Woman, teenager, and tween panda all stayed home in the end. 

I solidly convinced them that staying home, staying up late to watch movies, eat candy, and hang out would be WAY cooler than trick or treating in the wind. The big kids were in charge of handing candy out to people who came and everyone who did come got handfuls, several handfuls of candy, from us. We watched Hocus, Pocus and, fight me if you must, but I think that movie is stupid. Penelope agreed with me and she's basically always right. The big kids and I made pom pom's (more on that in a different post) and it was fine. 

It was a fine Halloween. 

Fast forward a week or so later and, SHOCKER, Covid numbers county wide spiked because people didn't social distance, had Halloween parties, hanging out at the bars, doing all of the things we would do on a regular Halloween. So now? 

Now we're virtual schooling until at least the end of November but I'm not stupid and I don't realistically think numbers will go down to safer levels until the end of January at best so here we are. 

It is really as bad as I thought/knew it would be. Granted, it is far more organized than it was in the spring and I am so thankful our school district is as great as it is. I have zero time for people who critique our district like they do because ours is great. It's organized, everyone is doing their best, there are systems in place, and staff at all levels are working their asses off.

When I see people who are "I worry about the mental health of people" on social media? You need to worry about me. I am the mental health issue. I am barely making it. If you ask me how you can help or what I need? I need someone to do it for me. Let me sleep and be alone because that's the extent of what I'm capable of right now. 

Olivia and Jackson are doing great, but they are pretty responsible and great all on their own so I had no worries. Both are keeping great grades, I get nothing but compliments from teachers and it is totally fine. No worries. 

Penelope... I think the problem with Penelope is she is impatient and too smart. That is kind of a dangerous combination in general but when you're in a virtual learning environment, it is pretty awful. 

Day one she was all about it. She has a computer from school, the novelty of doing things on the computer hasn't worn off, and it is all fun and exciting. Day two until now (which is literally only a week, it's only been a full week) and she's over it. She's bored, I have to bribe/fight her to get on, let alone participate. We take all of the screen breaks, we do activities, I've had crafts set up during break time so she doesn't get bored. We've gone outside, we've done exercise, we've had snacks, we've played toys, we've listened to music, etc. It all goes meh until I say, "a few minutes left and then we will get ready for writing/math/etc" and all hell breaks loose. She cries, screams, throws her body wherever, it is not pretty. 

We've had some highlights, like gym class, art, and music. Those have been OK. Granted, we've only had one class of each over the week so far so it's early yet. She flies through her work and worksheets. She refuses to write, she refuses to add to a picture and says, "you can't force creativity, MOM!" and just imagine she's screaming it because that's what it is. 

It's so hard. 

Meanwhile I've got Lucy who would do school, in any form, 24/7. She wants more and more. I've been finding things for her to do but at the same time, I can only do so much with her because I'm forever trying to get Penelope to sit down and focus. We've tried different rooms in the house, having someone sit with her the entire time, its just a struggle. 

No joke I asked Matt how against pulling them from school all together he was and he didn't say no.... but it's not like he wholeheartedly agreed, either. 

Plus Lucy loves it and is fully engaged. She's even doing well with virtual speech therapy so I'm hopeful that continues. *knock on wood*

In the meantime, I'm just over here crying all day on breaks. I'm so over all of it. I'm sick of things being the way they are, I'm sick of people saying we all need to get sick and build immunities because they are so stupid and I just can't anymore. The fact that people who barely passed high school science classes think they know more about viruses and herd immunity than say, lifelong career scientists, is beyond me. 

Beyond. 

I'm just trying to get through this week. We are flying to Florida to see my family next week. We have reasons for going, and I'm not sharing it here, but know that if I felt like we had other options, I'd take them. It is not ideal, I am scared shitless, I haven't slept in days because I am terrified of getting sick but equally terrified any of our little family will get sick, but we are taking every precaution. It's a quick trip, we are quarantining afterwards, and I'm hoping for the best. So, think good thoughts for us. 

Because we're also flying there, like I mentioned, and the little girls have never been on a plane so yay. I'm THRILLED.