The Halloween That Broke Me

I'm not trying to be dramatic with the title, but it really feels like Halloween is going to be the event I look back on to say, this is it- this is where I lost my actual mind. It wasn't the start of the pandemic, it wasn't even summer. It was Halloween.  

Halloween was supposed to be OK. I really debated for weeks on what we were going to do. I chickened out and didn't buy tickets for Boo at the Zoo. I bought costumes and I bought candy to hand out thinking maybe we would go out. In the end, I chickened out because I was afraid we'd get sick but also, I was afraid numbers city wide would spike and we'd be virtual schooling so I thought I would do my part. 

So my shark, Golden Armor Wonder Woman, teenager, and tween panda all stayed home in the end. 

I solidly convinced them that staying home, staying up late to watch movies, eat candy, and hang out would be WAY cooler than trick or treating in the wind. The big kids were in charge of handing candy out to people who came and everyone who did come got handfuls, several handfuls of candy, from us. We watched Hocus, Pocus and, fight me if you must, but I think that movie is stupid. Penelope agreed with me and she's basically always right. The big kids and I made pom pom's (more on that in a different post) and it was fine. 

It was a fine Halloween. 

Fast forward a week or so later and, SHOCKER, Covid numbers county wide spiked because people didn't social distance, had Halloween parties, hanging out at the bars, doing all of the things we would do on a regular Halloween. So now? 

Now we're virtual schooling until at least the end of November but I'm not stupid and I don't realistically think numbers will go down to safer levels until the end of January at best so here we are. 

It is really as bad as I thought/knew it would be. Granted, it is far more organized than it was in the spring and I am so thankful our school district is as great as it is. I have zero time for people who critique our district like they do because ours is great. It's organized, everyone is doing their best, there are systems in place, and staff at all levels are working their asses off.

When I see people who are "I worry about the mental health of people" on social media? You need to worry about me. I am the mental health issue. I am barely making it. If you ask me how you can help or what I need? I need someone to do it for me. Let me sleep and be alone because that's the extent of what I'm capable of right now. 

Olivia and Jackson are doing great, but they are pretty responsible and great all on their own so I had no worries. Both are keeping great grades, I get nothing but compliments from teachers and it is totally fine. No worries. 

Penelope... I think the problem with Penelope is she is impatient and too smart. That is kind of a dangerous combination in general but when you're in a virtual learning environment, it is pretty awful. 

Day one she was all about it. She has a computer from school, the novelty of doing things on the computer hasn't worn off, and it is all fun and exciting. Day two until now (which is literally only a week, it's only been a full week) and she's over it. She's bored, I have to bribe/fight her to get on, let alone participate. We take all of the screen breaks, we do activities, I've had crafts set up during break time so she doesn't get bored. We've gone outside, we've done exercise, we've had snacks, we've played toys, we've listened to music, etc. It all goes meh until I say, "a few minutes left and then we will get ready for writing/math/etc" and all hell breaks loose. She cries, screams, throws her body wherever, it is not pretty. 

We've had some highlights, like gym class, art, and music. Those have been OK. Granted, we've only had one class of each over the week so far so it's early yet. She flies through her work and worksheets. She refuses to write, she refuses to add to a picture and says, "you can't force creativity, MOM!" and just imagine she's screaming it because that's what it is. 

It's so hard. 

Meanwhile I've got Lucy who would do school, in any form, 24/7. She wants more and more. I've been finding things for her to do but at the same time, I can only do so much with her because I'm forever trying to get Penelope to sit down and focus. We've tried different rooms in the house, having someone sit with her the entire time, its just a struggle. 

No joke I asked Matt how against pulling them from school all together he was and he didn't say no.... but it's not like he wholeheartedly agreed, either. 

Plus Lucy loves it and is fully engaged. She's even doing well with virtual speech therapy so I'm hopeful that continues. *knock on wood*

In the meantime, I'm just over here crying all day on breaks. I'm so over all of it. I'm sick of things being the way they are, I'm sick of people saying we all need to get sick and build immunities because they are so stupid and I just can't anymore. The fact that people who barely passed high school science classes think they know more about viruses and herd immunity than say, lifelong career scientists, is beyond me. 

Beyond. 

I'm just trying to get through this week. We are flying to Florida to see my family next week. We have reasons for going, and I'm not sharing it here, but know that if I felt like we had other options, I'd take them. It is not ideal, I am scared shitless, I haven't slept in days because I am terrified of getting sick but equally terrified any of our little family will get sick, but we are taking every precaution. It's a quick trip, we are quarantining afterwards, and I'm hoping for the best. So, think good thoughts for us. 

Because we're also flying there, like I mentioned, and the little girls have never been on a plane so yay. I'm THRILLED. 

It would've been a good week.

I haven't really looked at the calendar much except to stay on top of book reviews because everything is obviously cancelled. It really hasn't been a big deal because we don't do much, but this was supposed to be a big week.

• Olivia would have had high school transition night yesterday. She is going to be a freshman next year and I'm so nervous and excited at the same time, and I know she is too. I think she was looking forward to that just to learn more about high school and ask questions to calm her nerves. She's like me in that way, she wants to be as prepared as she can ahead of time and it helps. 
• Today would have been Penelope's spring concert at school. I was going to buy her a cute spring dress to wear and she was going to sing some songs, probably have a family craft day afterwards like for the holiday concert. 
• Tomorrow Penelope turns FIVE, if you can believe it, and no pandemic can cancel that so we'll still celebrate. 
• Olivia would be having her final middle school band concert on Thursday. She was looking forward to that too and her songs sound amazing. I think this is the first of a few things she's sad about as she closes out her time at middle school. 
• Friday would have been big, Penelope should have been going to Kindergarten Round Up. She would be meeting teachers and seeing classrooms. Maybe doing a craft alongside some other kids. It would help her be less scared when we (hopefully) start in the fall again. 
• Sunday would have been a finale practice for Olivia's dance recital. The recital would have happened on May 9th, but the show I know she worked so hard for is cancelled. Well, they are doing some kind of performance on Zoom and its going to be lame and she likely can't even do it because we have zero room in the house to do it. We get zero internet in the yard so that's out. I'm so angry that our costumes can't be used next year which is a whole other thing, and Matt is livid that we're expected to shell hundreds of dollars for more costumes when we didn't get to wear these. I get it. Sigh. 

Some good things, though: 

• Penelope turns five tomorrow and I'm so excited. She has been counting down for months and her little brain just about exploded when she realized tomorrow is the day! We have a cake for her, some presents for her, and some ice cream, of course. I think a couple of friends are going to drop something on the porch for her, too. She was really bummed that she can't be the birthday star in her little 4K class, but her teacher DID mail her a little card and she was so excited and as she put it, had "happy tears". 
• My library/craft space/office is amazing. I know I keep talking about it but truly, it is so amazing and I'm so grateful and I thank my lucky stars Matt is so great at everything. 
• Its getting warmer, which means I can walk outside more often. I am hoping I can find my winter hat and just got now. (It's still chilly and my ears get too cold.)
• Twinky got to go to the groomers and thank goodness because I think he was just as nervous as I was when I told him I was going to try to give him a hair cut. 

I'm trying to write out the good and the bad every day. It's OK to get the bad out there as long as I don't dwell on it and I am able to throw up some good there, too. I hope you have some good happening, too. 

Moving + Pandemic = Anxiety

I know this probably feels like the longest move you've ever heard of and I would agree with that but technically we've only REALLY been at it for two weeks. You think I'm nuts but no, aside from random boxes here and there, this has only been happening for two weeks and it has been the longest two weeks of my life.

In fact, March is the month that never ends and I just really need it to end right now.

So, updates. Well, we are officially in the new house. The only stuff at the old house is the entire basement, the garage, and then the yard stuff which is still frozen to the ground. We have no real game plan because we have no room in our current basement for our old basement's stuff but we also can't put it in the garage because we have garage stuff, and so we are left with a really unclear plan on what to do. I told Matt maybe we should just rent a storage space and be freaking done with it and he's not super excited about that. Apparently, he would rather live with crap everywhere and climbing over boxes to go pee, which is the current state of things.

In other news, our bedroom is is like 90% done. We have to trim out the window, door, and closet still. We have closet doors that need to be trimmed a little and then those go in. We have yet to purchase something to hang clothes on for in the closet. But other than that, totally done!

It isn't huge but it's actually really nice and Matt did a great job on it. Now if only he'd get my office/craft room/library done we can bring so much stuff down there that is currently spread all around the house. 

Since we are doing this while in quarantine, I've been home to watch TV. We only get local channels so I'm pretty much stuck between PBS, The View, Hot Bench, Dr. Phil, and Judge Judy. That rounds out my day mostly.

It is obviously very exciting.

The fun thing is on The View they often have the "View Your Deal" and I saw they had the Happy Wax things so I bought them because it was on my Christmas and Birthday wish lists and I did  not get them. Treat yo'self and all that.

Oh, and Wisconsin schools are closed until April 6 or 7 (so far) but the rumor is we'll be out for the rest of the year. Who knows if that will happen, I hope not because that would suck. We are supposed to be doing virtual learning and while Olivia and Jackson can handle it themselves with very little help from me, Penelope and Lucy need me to basically be the teacher.

THANKFULLY, Lucy's teacher from Head Start brought this bag FULL of lessons and activities, the supplies to do it with, pajamas, a book, a new toothbrush, and a new stuffed animal. Seriously, it was amazing. 

She was so stinking excited about it and we start her lessons this week. I have to sit down and get everything organized so we can make some kind of sense of it. 

Penelope's is online but I have to have Matt help me with the printer because I just can't comprehend things on a screen so much anymore, I really work best with it on paper so hopefully we can get that organized tonight. 

In the middle of this I had to finish packing up the last of my books and we moved big stuff out of the house, thankfully we had Matt's dad, brother, and sister to help since I can't do anything. It was kind of sad seeing my lovely candles in a box next to my Linda Howard books which are my favorite. Linda got her own box, obviously. 

Oh!! And I found a random cat hanging around the house. I still don't know if it belongs to someone or if it needs a home. Of course I throw all common sense and caution to the wind and snuggle a possible stray cat like its a baby, and Matt says its a miracle I've made it to 38. Which is probably true. 

I posted on Facebook how I was kind of sad when I saw Penelope and Lucy's room empty and fully cleaned out. I remembered how excited I was when I was pregnant with Penelope and I just thought it was sad that what I thought would be the start of an amazing chapter in my life ended up being the beginning of the worst. I obviously don't regret Penelope or Lucy, its just interesting to realize that is maybe the only time in years I had been able to reflect on previous events and see the last few years as a whole piece of my timeline. Which probably makes no sense but most of what I say doesn't anymore so I remain consistent.

Also sad? It was this weekend when Lucy really realized that we live in THIS house now and we won't be going back to the old house. The entire concept really upset her and even though we've reassured her all of her things are here, all of us are here, and talked about the things that are nicer here, she really was upset. I was reminded of what a gentle little soul she is. 

Pandemic continues, though. Wisconsin is now under an essential business closure on top of what we already had. I did have to go to Target on Sunday and it was so completely eerie driving around and nobody at all being around. Aside from my doctor appointment today, that's the only outing I've had (outside of driving back and forth between houses). I have another appointment on Thursday but I might just skip it because meh. 

Like I said, we start kind of home schooling. Yesterday I tried to get the girls to work quietly and it lasted a solid 15 minutes. 

But weren't they cute doing it? Look at that concentration! Perfect pencil grip! 

It all quickly turned into a who-can-do-it-faster thing even though they were doing two totally different activities. I have no idea how I'm supposed to do both kids at the same time. Oy vey.

We're still moving. It's hard.

Despite a coronavirus pandemic, we are still moving. Matt is building our bedroom and my future office in the basement while the kids and I are trying to move as much as we can that doesn't require his muscles and can fit in my vehicle. We had been counting on asking for people to help us and that's quickly becoming not an option.

Unfortunate because I can't lift at all and Matt most likely needs surgery on his elbow and everything is just working against us, but honestly? What else can we POSSIBLY expect? I told Matt we should just expect the worst from now on because that's what it just is.

Another such scenario is our current couches would not fit in new house. Inconvenient? Yes. Crisis? No. I had some money saved up because we intended to buy couches soon but all of this kind of derailed that. Until it didn't.

So we got new ones which I bought online in a bargain bin basically and they were delivered.

Thankfully they aren't super ugly and awful, they are quite nice but are quite a bit smaller than we have become accustomed to. Not a crisis. 

We also had to downsize our kid book collection, which was quite extensive, and was almost two shelves, each 84 inches long. You can see I did a damn good job slimming us down. 

While Matt has been busy in the basement the big kids and I have been unpacking as soon as we can so we can reuse our boxes and hopefully return our unused ones and get some money back. Late nights make Jackson punchy. 

Thankfully I had the forethought to purchase Easter basket goodies ahead of time because I really didn't think I'd have the time or money to do it closer to April. That's actually turning out to be true because I've spent so much money on groceries and things we might need in the event we are all quarantined for awhile. Buying that kind of supply for SIX PEOPLE is really freaking expensive. 

Guess what else is tricky? Trying to get two rambunctious little girls to take naps on the couch while stuff is going on because I don't have beds for them here yet. That's fun. 

I managed to make that happen on Monday and I was so freaking grateful because they even went to bed at a decent time later on.

We've had to bring Twinky with us to the new house because we are spending basically all day there and he has to be taken out to pee and such. 

By the time we get home he finds his lady friend (stuffed dog that looks like hell) and he humps her for a long time. So that's fun to watch. 

A lot of the big furniture is moved out and its starting to look so bare in here. Which is bittersweet. I'm going to miss this house and all of the plans we had, but it also feels like I'm closing the last chapter of a really awful book, if that makes sense. Its time for someone else to make happy memories here. 

And because of my napping-on-the-couch abilities, I took a picture because it happened again today and Penelope and Twinky look super cute.

So I'm stressed to the max. We have no idea if our DC/NYC trip is being rescheduled. I have no idea if our dance season is done. I have no idea if we are even going back to school this year. I really have no idea what is coming up for us and I'm terrified but trying to get myself to calm the hell down. One day at a time. If anything, this just shows us how unprepared we all are and how much we take our everyday conveniences for granted. If nothing else, I really hope my family and I come out of this far more appreciative for little things, like being able to go get milk when we need it. Or go to the movies for fun.

Until then, I'm going to eat the last of my Sweet Tart jellybeans because I'm stressed out.

Pandemics are not fun.

Today I should be exploring Washington, D.C. and getting excited for a five hour bus ride to New York City.

But I am not because of a pandemic.

I have a lot of feelings about this pandemic and how people are handling it but the top two feelings are anger and fear.

I'm angry that people think it isn't a big deal, refuse to quarantine, and for whatever reason think this is all media hype for fun. I don't get it, but not everyone can be bright bulbs, right? I am legitimately scared because I am immuno-compromised. It is dangerous for me to get a cold let alone the flu. If I get any kind of sick I have to increase my medications and hope for the best. I can go to normal to organ failure in no time.

People like me really need you to Netflix and chill.

I really need you to stay home. Marie Kondo the hell out of your house. Do your spring cleaning early. Read a book (or ten). Learn to make something from scratch. Catch up on laundry. Take naps. Literally do anything except leave your house.

I know its hard and it really sucks. I have four kids, BELIEVE ME, I GET IT. Our governor has closed schools until April 6 and starting next week my middle school kids have to do school stuff on their laptops. I have no idea how I'm going to keep high energy Penelope and Lucy entertained in the house for weeks on end. It isn't like I can just whip out an activity, we're spread out between two houses right now so I have no idea where any of my stuff is. Crafts? No clue. We found books and games but if you think I want to play hours of Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders you are insane.

I really hope Matt can make huge progress on our room so that we can literally move during this time and that'll obviously keep us all busy and I'm sure time will fly by.

In the meantime, I have no idea if our big adventure will be rescheduled, I really hope so. Cross your fingers. Olivia's dance competitions have been postponed, we have no idea when they'll happen. Dance classes are also postponed, which makes sense. I'm grateful that I was able to buy some groceries so we can hopefully make it. I am grateful that we had the ability to purchase extra things. I am grateful to have a medical team who understands my situation and is helping me through it. I am grateful my parents are here because that makes this stressful time a little less crappy.

Next week I have four doctor appointments and I just really hope I can get to all of them.