Moving + Pandemic = Anxiety

I know this probably feels like the longest move you've ever heard of and I would agree with that but technically we've only REALLY been at it for two weeks. You think I'm nuts but no, aside from random boxes here and there, this has only been happening for two weeks and it has been the longest two weeks of my life.

In fact, March is the month that never ends and I just really need it to end right now.

So, updates. Well, we are officially in the new house. The only stuff at the old house is the entire basement, the garage, and then the yard stuff which is still frozen to the ground. We have no real game plan because we have no room in our current basement for our old basement's stuff but we also can't put it in the garage because we have garage stuff, and so we are left with a really unclear plan on what to do. I told Matt maybe we should just rent a storage space and be freaking done with it and he's not super excited about that. Apparently, he would rather live with crap everywhere and climbing over boxes to go pee, which is the current state of things.

In other news, our bedroom is is like 90% done. We have to trim out the window, door, and closet still. We have closet doors that need to be trimmed a little and then those go in. We have yet to purchase something to hang clothes on for in the closet. But other than that, totally done!

It isn't huge but it's actually really nice and Matt did a great job on it. Now if only he'd get my office/craft room/library done we can bring so much stuff down there that is currently spread all around the house. 

Since we are doing this while in quarantine, I've been home to watch TV. We only get local channels so I'm pretty much stuck between PBS, The View, Hot Bench, Dr. Phil, and Judge Judy. That rounds out my day mostly.

It is obviously very exciting.

The fun thing is on The View they often have the "View Your Deal" and I saw they had the Happy Wax things so I bought them because it was on my Christmas and Birthday wish lists and I did  not get them. Treat yo'self and all that.

Oh, and Wisconsin schools are closed until April 6 or 7 (so far) but the rumor is we'll be out for the rest of the year. Who knows if that will happen, I hope not because that would suck. We are supposed to be doing virtual learning and while Olivia and Jackson can handle it themselves with very little help from me, Penelope and Lucy need me to basically be the teacher.

THANKFULLY, Lucy's teacher from Head Start brought this bag FULL of lessons and activities, the supplies to do it with, pajamas, a book, a new toothbrush, and a new stuffed animal. Seriously, it was amazing. 

She was so stinking excited about it and we start her lessons this week. I have to sit down and get everything organized so we can make some kind of sense of it. 

Penelope's is online but I have to have Matt help me with the printer because I just can't comprehend things on a screen so much anymore, I really work best with it on paper so hopefully we can get that organized tonight. 

In the middle of this I had to finish packing up the last of my books and we moved big stuff out of the house, thankfully we had Matt's dad, brother, and sister to help since I can't do anything. It was kind of sad seeing my lovely candles in a box next to my Linda Howard books which are my favorite. Linda got her own box, obviously. 

Oh!! And I found a random cat hanging around the house. I still don't know if it belongs to someone or if it needs a home. Of course I throw all common sense and caution to the wind and snuggle a possible stray cat like its a baby, and Matt says its a miracle I've made it to 38. Which is probably true. 

I posted on Facebook how I was kind of sad when I saw Penelope and Lucy's room empty and fully cleaned out. I remembered how excited I was when I was pregnant with Penelope and I just thought it was sad that what I thought would be the start of an amazing chapter in my life ended up being the beginning of the worst. I obviously don't regret Penelope or Lucy, its just interesting to realize that is maybe the only time in years I had been able to reflect on previous events and see the last few years as a whole piece of my timeline. Which probably makes no sense but most of what I say doesn't anymore so I remain consistent.

Also sad? It was this weekend when Lucy really realized that we live in THIS house now and we won't be going back to the old house. The entire concept really upset her and even though we've reassured her all of her things are here, all of us are here, and talked about the things that are nicer here, she really was upset. I was reminded of what a gentle little soul she is. 

Pandemic continues, though. Wisconsin is now under an essential business closure on top of what we already had. I did have to go to Target on Sunday and it was so completely eerie driving around and nobody at all being around. Aside from my doctor appointment today, that's the only outing I've had (outside of driving back and forth between houses). I have another appointment on Thursday but I might just skip it because meh. 

Like I said, we start kind of home schooling. Yesterday I tried to get the girls to work quietly and it lasted a solid 15 minutes. 

But weren't they cute doing it? Look at that concentration! Perfect pencil grip! 

It all quickly turned into a who-can-do-it-faster thing even though they were doing two totally different activities. I have no idea how I'm supposed to do both kids at the same time. Oy vey.

We're still moving. It's hard.

Despite a coronavirus pandemic, we are still moving. Matt is building our bedroom and my future office in the basement while the kids and I are trying to move as much as we can that doesn't require his muscles and can fit in my vehicle. We had been counting on asking for people to help us and that's quickly becoming not an option.

Unfortunate because I can't lift at all and Matt most likely needs surgery on his elbow and everything is just working against us, but honestly? What else can we POSSIBLY expect? I told Matt we should just expect the worst from now on because that's what it just is.

Another such scenario is our current couches would not fit in new house. Inconvenient? Yes. Crisis? No. I had some money saved up because we intended to buy couches soon but all of this kind of derailed that. Until it didn't.

So we got new ones which I bought online in a bargain bin basically and they were delivered.

Thankfully they aren't super ugly and awful, they are quite nice but are quite a bit smaller than we have become accustomed to. Not a crisis. 

We also had to downsize our kid book collection, which was quite extensive, and was almost two shelves, each 84 inches long. You can see I did a damn good job slimming us down. 

While Matt has been busy in the basement the big kids and I have been unpacking as soon as we can so we can reuse our boxes and hopefully return our unused ones and get some money back. Late nights make Jackson punchy. 

Thankfully I had the forethought to purchase Easter basket goodies ahead of time because I really didn't think I'd have the time or money to do it closer to April. That's actually turning out to be true because I've spent so much money on groceries and things we might need in the event we are all quarantined for awhile. Buying that kind of supply for SIX PEOPLE is really freaking expensive. 

Guess what else is tricky? Trying to get two rambunctious little girls to take naps on the couch while stuff is going on because I don't have beds for them here yet. That's fun. 

I managed to make that happen on Monday and I was so freaking grateful because they even went to bed at a decent time later on.

We've had to bring Twinky with us to the new house because we are spending basically all day there and he has to be taken out to pee and such. 

By the time we get home he finds his lady friend (stuffed dog that looks like hell) and he humps her for a long time. So that's fun to watch. 

A lot of the big furniture is moved out and its starting to look so bare in here. Which is bittersweet. I'm going to miss this house and all of the plans we had, but it also feels like I'm closing the last chapter of a really awful book, if that makes sense. Its time for someone else to make happy memories here. 

And because of my napping-on-the-couch abilities, I took a picture because it happened again today and Penelope and Twinky look super cute.

So I'm stressed to the max. We have no idea if our DC/NYC trip is being rescheduled. I have no idea if our dance season is done. I have no idea if we are even going back to school this year. I really have no idea what is coming up for us and I'm terrified but trying to get myself to calm the hell down. One day at a time. If anything, this just shows us how unprepared we all are and how much we take our everyday conveniences for granted. If nothing else, I really hope my family and I come out of this far more appreciative for little things, like being able to go get milk when we need it. Or go to the movies for fun.

Until then, I'm going to eat the last of my Sweet Tart jellybeans because I'm stressed out.

38 and packing.

You guys, when I say that things have been chaotic, I'm not kidding. Matt and I are trying to get everything done and not stress out about life. Here are some things on the plate:

⭐I turn 38 on Tuesday. Normally I'm super excited, with a birthday wish list and specific cake demands but this year I'm so out of whack and my concept of time is seemingly getting worse. Unfortunate, because that's a skill you use a lot. As of right now there are no plans and that's OK.

⭐We are still moving. We have a lot of things to do (and buy) this weekend so that Matt can just move along with his tasks. He's making a bedroom for us in the basement there and so far he has two walls insulated and drywall up. He has the other two walls to do and then the process of taping, mudding, sanding, etc. He hates it but.. its gotta get done. The goal is to have that room basically done by the time we get back.

Yes, I realize that's a lofty goals but that's what goals are for!

In the meantime, we have been making loads every day of stuff and I've been unpacking as I go as much as I can.

We've had the kids there (mostly on the weekends) as we work so Matt brought over a TV and antennae so we can at least give them local channels. Shout out to PBS for having a non-stop cartoon channel now! 

Also shout out to Olivia and Jackson who have been so GREAT about all of this and incredibly helpful at keeping Penelope and Lucy out of the way. Mostly. 

I splurged last week on clearance dishes at Walmart and for a whole $18 I walked out with two boxes. It's really great because the dishes we currently have are pretty heavy and hard for Pep & Lu to carry, resulting in a bunch being broken. It was time for new ones so I'm really glad I just happened to get there during a last clearance sale, getting the last box of each color. 

Penelope and Lucy currently have a huge closet with so much storage, I've always been jealous of it. Unfortunately that means it can also be chock full of crap, and that's exactly what happened here. 

It took me THREE DAYS to clear everything out of here, sort it into piles: give to a friend, donate, garbage, keep. The best part of downsizing (a lot) is that its forcing me to really get rid of stuff and while my anxiety is overwhelmed right now, I know its for the best. 

So confession time. I've only moved as an adult three other times, this will be my fourth. Each time I've discovered I have an issue with towels. Both kitchen and bath towels. I cannot bring them place to place.

(Yes, I know this is dumb. No, I don't know why.)

I inadvertently bought new kitchen towels and washcloths the other day and as I was folding them it dawned on me that I did it again. Add it to the list of compulsive behaviors, I guess but it's annoying. It isn't so bad this time because the ones we currently have are ripped and some are so thin you can see through them, so the only ones legitimately worth keeping are the industrial ones I use for cleaning. It's just another strange habit.

Oh, and I have been saving cash for TWO YEARS so that we could buy new furniture. What we have is worn down and Matt said he refuses to sew it together one more time (ladies, get you a man who can sew furniture together). The furniture we have is BIG and HEAVY, but it also will not fit into our new space. I think we can get it in there (it would be a squeeze, that's for sure), but you couldn't have anything else in there. We decided to take the little bit we had saved already (just under $500) and find something smaller. A lot smaller. 

With my super shopping skills I managed to get us a small couch for what I thought was $300. I was so proud of myself and I paid the extra $100 for them to deliver it. 

So imagine my surprise when I was informed that in my online purchase I also bought a love seat/chair and a half thing. (It's maybe the smallest love seat I have ever been on.) The price I paid was accurate, it turns out this was a bargain clearance buy. So $400 total for a super small couch and this love seat/chair thing. The rest of the furniture fund will go into savings. Our current furniture will go to Matt's sister and brother, which will be good because now we don't have to figure out what to do with it.

While waiting for that stuff to come I sorted kid books. I wish I had taken a before photo of what our collection looked like because it was easily five times this. I could have filled this several times and still needed more room. Olivia and Jackson have novels of their own but they will keep those in their room, this is just for Penelope and Lucy. Don't judge- we read a LOT of books here.

We clearly downsized and I donated books to school, do little libraries all over town, and gave some to friends.

Monday I'll have a post about the upcoming trip Olivia and I are going on, we leave next Saturday! I'm excited and incredibly nervous because I'm still not feeling awesome. I have to spend some time this weekend packing I think. Olivia has her first dance competition of the season this weekend.

It's just a lot, all of the time.

Move it, move it.

If you were here on Friday you maybe saw my post about us moving. (If you didn't, go catch yourself up.)  Since then I've gotten a ton of support and offers to help and don't think I'm not going to take you up on that because Matt and I are getting old. He's only going to be 40, but he is almost certain he's going to need surgery on his elbow after all of this (its been bothering him awhile, so it's not like this just happened), and I can't lift anything. So don't start ignoring your phone now. HA!

I spent most of my Friday night packing up books. Which... that's actually really daunting. When we moved the last time I thought it was bad but no, this is actually worse. Even Matt agrees. Ha! I purged quite a bit along the way and I have some in piles to donate to specific people. I'm pretty sure I won't have as much room at the new place so I will likely have to purge more and that makes me sad. 

The great news is that I found Edward Cullen's head! If you aren't a long time reader, this is probably just weird to you. But long time readers remember when I had a six foot cardboard cut out of Robert Pattinson, aka Edward Cullen. I used to have it standing next to my side of the bed. Then he lived in my dining room for awhile. No matter where he was he would scare the daylights out of people. Even me sometimes and I knew he was there. In our last move he was "accidentally" damaged so Matt said I should just toss it but nope! I had an idea for a project so I neatly trimmed his head and top of his shoulders off, but I put it in my craft closet because I probably didn't have time. Then I forgot about it. Lo and behold! Edward has returned and he is 100% coming with me. 

On Saturday Matt went over to start building our bedroom, so I had all four kids to bring with me to run errands. I thought we'd be gone an hour tops but it ended up being a huge chunk of my day and I was exhausted. I brought stuff over for Matt and I had to just rest so the girls colored while I almost fell asleep. This is wiping me out. I told Matt my fear is I won't have it in me to move again. We'll see what happens, though.

Sunday I spent more time purging our stuff. So much has already been donated or given to friends/family who want/need it. Its nice to unload so much, its just getting daunting because I know a lot more needs to go, but as a family of six we actually use/need a lot of stuff. So... it is turning out to be a bigger job than I thought it would be.

In other news, it was super nice this weekend and I'm bummed I never really got out there. The kids have a SUPER busy week this week. Things on our agenda:

• Lucy's conferences and 4K registration
• Olivia plays in the University of Minnesota's Honor Band
• Olivia and I are going to a mandatory meeting for our DC/NYC trip (more on that soon)
• Olivia and Jackson are going to the Level II meet for Forensics
• I have therapy (thank god)
• Penelope has conferences and we talk about her kindergarten readiness
• Dance on two nights this week
• A school movie night we're going to try to get to
• Penelope has TWO birthday parties to go to this weekend

That's just evening things. My days are completely jam packed of stuff to do and places to call. Poor Matt is going to be working a ton all week. I'm already exhausted. 

Revenge of the Digestion System and Changes

When I posted on Facebook that I was going to have my gallbladder removed everyone told me how great I was going to feel. So much better! I have friends who have had it done and they all gave me good post surgery tips and talked about changes they made.

Cool.

I'm like two weeks out from my surgery and you know how I feel?

AWFUL.

I am nauseous ALL of the time. I have had the worst heartburn of my life and my Omeprazole isn't doing squat for it. I ate an entire bottle of Tums over the course of a day and no relief. The idea of food and eating it makes me want to throw up. I have been trying to eat toast, maybe a handful of grapes, some saltine crackers and all of it makes me want to throw up.

Even better?

It doesn't matter what I eat or how very little of it I have, I will have diarrhea. Not just regular, this is inconvenient diarrhea, but it is painful. The cramping is painful, too.

I did go to the surgeon follow up and I didn't meet with him, I met with one of his PA's, and she didn't seem concerned at all. Which... I can't imagine this is normal. Seriously, I cannot live like this. The closest comparison I have to this is morning sickness but EXTREME.

I am so tired and physically weak because I'm not getting enough nutrition but I cannot stomach anything. I messaged my gastroenterologist to ask for help. I see him at the end of March but I am going on that Washington D.C/New York City trip with Olivia (I'll post more about it next week) and I can't imagine going on that trip like this. I can't even run to Target without making several bathroom trips and then breathing and counting randomly so I don't throw up on the floor.

It's bad. So that's how my recovery is going.

***

Really big news that has come (literally) out of left field: we are moving.

I know, didn't see that coming, did you? I haven't talked about it much because I'm still just trying to process it myself, but my parents have moved to Florida to care for my grandparents. It is no secret that since my AFE things have been financially tight. To give you a better idea, when I had my AFE we had less than $5K in debt that wasn't a vehicle or house. It wasn't bad at all and we assumed I'd be going to work so it was manageable. Once it was clear that things weren't going to be the same and I wasn't going to work, we got a little nervous.

We were lucky to have a GoFundMe account and that is what kept us from losing our house because those first six months Matt was working sporadically between helping me at home, taking care of kids, getting me to appointments, etc. If you aren't working, your paychecks aren't covering the bills. We used that money to basically float us for six months. We never planned on me having disabilities, seeing so many specialists and having all kinds of tests, trying new medications and it being a never ending cycle. For the last three years when I say we are barely getting by, I am not kidding. We are in debt up to our eyeballs and the only solution right now is to plug the holes in the boat.

Our house is a hole in the boat.

Not only can we no longer (realistically) afford it right now, but our house is big. I mean, it looks big, but if you walk up and down the stairs all day? Exhausting for a healthy person. I am no longer capable of cleaning it. I can't take care of things. Some mornings I can barely get down the stairs when I wake up. It's just too much.

But let me be clear, I don't love this house. It wasn't going to be our forever home. It was really just to get us through raising the kids and then we would downgrade. Even though I'm not in love with this home, I'm really sad to move. I'm sad because we are moving to a home that is half the size, maybe even less. Six people = one bathroom. I feel like we're all being punished because I got sick. It's all my fault we're in this predicament and I feel guilty as hell. I know it isn't rational and we're here whether I feel guilty or not. I am scared that we're not seeing a larger consequence later on down the road. I trust Matt wholeheartedly and when he says this is what we're doing, this is what we're doing.

So where are we going?

We're moving into my parent's old home. I grew up there from age 14 and up. The house has sentimental value and the thought of someone else living there really bothers me, so I guess on the bright side I won't have to navigate those feelings right now. We will be saving a TON of money each month to apply towards debt. It does feel like a weight is lifted, like we're going to move forward again. We've got five years to get the debt under control and then we can either buy the house or we can move somewhere else. It's all kind of up in the air and if you know me, not having a concrete, permanent home base is terrifying for me. As a kid I really hated moving and it never made me feel secure. I worry that I'm doing this to myself now but also to my kids.

Fortunately, the only changes they'll have is a different bus stop. I'm not sure when we'll be IN that house because Matt has to build a bedroom for him and I (the house is only a 3 bedroom) in the basement, and then we'll start moving things over. We'll have a few things to fix here before we can list our house and hope it sells quickly.

I don't know if you are the praying type or just the kind who sends positive thoughts, but we would take any and all of it. I'm really feeling anxious, scared, and uncertain. I know all of it is my own issues and I'm going to do the best I can to make this move not a pain in the ass but also be kind to the kids. Olivia and Jackson really aren't thrilled, and Penelope and Lucy are so worried we won't be bringing their toys, stuffed animals, books, clothes, etc. The concept of moving is totally foreign to them and not Lucy so much but Penelope looks scared and I feel really terrible. That somehow my body has failed us all and its my fault they are sad/mad/scared.

Sigh.

So that's the scoop.

It's going to be OK. It can always be worse. I am thankful we will have a home. I am thankful we have family who help us out. I am thankful to have friends who have already told us they will help us in any way. I am thankful for my therapist who starting next week is going to see me have panic attacks during sessions again. I am sure she has missed them. HA!