Thursday, September 9, 2021

Depression, still a thing around here.

I haven't been super vocal about my medical stuff going on, mostly because it's the same thing over and over: people just don't have a clue so they optimistically send me off and tell me things will "probably be fine".  

I don't know if you know this or not, but that's literally the most unhelpful thing to tell someone with a chronic illness. I mean, if you don't know what's wrong, that's fine, but maybe send me to someone who would know instead. 

I still don't feel well physically and at this point, I've just decided this is the best I'm going to get. Every day I feel like I have the worst flu, with body aches all over, I'm so tired I'm barely functional, and if I'm not sick to my stomach and/or vomiting, it's a good day. I'm just tired of advocating for myself because as far as I'm concerned, that's just some bullshit people say to be motivational or encouraging. 

I'm already struggling but now that it's fall I have moved firmly into the worst season of the year for me with mental health. I know it's going to happen every year but this last weekend I hit my wall and I've steadily slid down it into a dark hole. I'm just over it. I'm trying to keep myself afloat and I have one child dealing with their own mental health issues and I'm having to drag them along with me. It would be helpful if they made some efforts to help me move them but no, it's straight resistance and I'm struggling with forcing them to get help or saying fuck it, because until they want it, it won't work? Does that make sense? I also love being told they wish I was a better mom. I mean, I already know I'm not the same mom I once was and it's taken me five years to not feel tremendous guilt and just angry about it, I was finally feeling like I could let that go. 

To have one of my kids point blank say they wish I was a better mom not only felt like a stab to the heart, but it was like confirmation for my brain to start the "you're a shit mom, you're better off dead, they're better off without you" track that plays on repeat. I know they are just a kid so they don't understand fully that what they say has a direct impact on someone else, it doesn't make it hurt any less. So since then, I've really had some dark moments where I've been worried to be home alone. I'm doing the best I can, I can't give anyone what I don't have. I feel like I'm being sucked dry by other people and nobody gives a flying fuck that I'm struggling. 

I continue with my therapy and my psychiatry because I know it's the best thing for me. It's the only place I can say what I really think and how I really feel. Because I am so angry. I'm starting to feel resentful and I feel like I don't ever get the chance to get better because it's always me having to come to the rescue of someone else. I spend 90% of my time taking care of and doing things for other people. I'm always running someone around to appointments, activities, or places with friends. I do my best to plan out a menu, shop, and cook only to have people not eat or tell me they decide to starve themselves to lose weight they can't afford to lose. I don't understand why people don't seem me melting down until nothing. I just don't get it. 


Kayla Quinn said...

I never comment on here but I had to today. While I don't have the kids aspect or the serious health like you the depression thing is so real to me as well. Being scared to be alone when you literlly are alone is the worst. I wish I had more words to say but thank you for sharing.

Shooting Stars Mag said...

Oh Sara, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know that things are rough and I hate this is a bad time of the year for you. I love the Fall but once it gets to November, it's kind of a bad time of the year for me too with mental health issues. Is there anyone you can talk to about getting more help, friends nearby, etc.? I hate that you feel like you're the one who has to take care of everyone else and you struggling so hard already. And one of your kids saying they wish you were a better mom - yeah, that freaking sucks. I know you get that they are kids and don't really GET what they are saying, but I still hate that you had to hear that. I think your an awesome mom. No parent is perfect. It's impossible. And they'll realize that someday. For now though, I'm sending you all love the love.