Thursday, July 7, 2022

Is it even summer?

I hate that it feels like we aren't even in summer. I mean, it does because nobody is in school, but it also doesn't because the weather has been crap and we have no vacation. I keep thinking maybe I should have just planned a vacation, even though we definitely cannot afford it, because not having something on the calendar is just depressing. I can't even lounge on my deck and read because it has either been cold and windy, or just plain rainy. I can't even garden because honestly, my plants look like garbage because they think we're still at the end of May, so they aren't doing a dang thing. 

Olivia has been busy working two jobs, so we honestly almost never see her. Jackson has been doing Upward Bound (which is like a college prep program), so he has been living in college dorms Monday-Friday for six weeks, so we hardly see him. I know this is part of them growing up, but man... I understand now when parents say they miss their kids as they grow up. They drive me nuts sometimes, but I do like having them here, even if it just means they are in the house somewhere. 

Penelope decided she wanted to get her ears pierced, so Matt took her to do just that. She truly believes she has real diamonds in her ears, so we're letting her think that because she thinks she's hot shit and it's adorable. 
I signed the littles up for summer school, so we walk there and back each day. Because of the holiday, there is no summer school this whole week, but honestly... I'm not sure if I'm even going to muster the energy to go back next week. They don't seem to be die hard about going and it's basically a glorified childcare thing, so it seems dumb. I remember when Olivia and Jackson were in elementary school, there used to be fun stuff happening in summer school. They went on field trips, had zoo animals come to school, had fun games and craft things going on, etc. and none of that happens anymore. It's kind of lame. 
We've only had like three days warm enough to swim in the pool, so that stinks. Honestly I hope we have an outrageous string of hot days so the kids get use out of it otherwise I'll feel like we spent all that money filling it up for nothing. This is also the year that Lucy can touch the bottom and I don't know why, but that made me super sad when she told me. 
We've also been going to the library like twice a week. We are flying through books in this house. Penelope finished all of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books and is now onto Dog Man, which she thinks are hilarious. Olivia read Stephen King's Insomnia, which is like 800 pages or something, in a day and a half. I can't really complain though, because at least I have a couple of kids who really like reading. 
Lucy turns six on August 1, and she asks me how many days is it at least three times every day. Needless to say, she is ridiculously excited about it. I'm working my way down into the depressive slump I find myself in every year right around then. It's hard to know if my low mood is because of stuff going on or just my body's response to our trauma anniversary. I do know that I am getting so weary. I haven't felt like this in a couple of years, but once again, I find myself at the point where I don't know why the hell I'm hanging on so hard. I finally told Matt about a week ago that if my health doesn't improve, and this is just how it's going to be, I really can't do it. I cannot do it for the rest of my life, and that's just a truth I think we all know but havne't acknowledged yet. I feel like I've done all of the things, I've seen all of the people, I have checked everything off on every list I've been given and still.... I feel no better and seem to just steadily get worse. I just don't have it in me to do this forever. It's just depressing. 

In the meantime though, summer marches on. I just keep going through every day but there is never a time where I don't just feel completely exhausted. 

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