Time just keeps trucking along.

I've gotten lots of emails asking how I've been considering I've been a bit quiet the last few days. Overall, I'm OK. I can go several hours without crying and that's always a good thing.

Friday was pretty awful. I honestly didn't know what to expect with a follow up ultrasound. Thankfully, I asked my mom to come with me because at the last minute I didn't know if I really wanted to go alone. So she came and that was really helpful. I think having her there made me not break down in total tears because she would have told me to buck up and I would have. But I'll be honest- I couldn't look at the ultrasound. I just took the doctor's word for it that things looked good. My uterine lining is still ridiculously thick so all of that has yet to come out and then that means my HcG levels drop. Those have to go back to zero. Which means sometime this week (probably Thursday) I'll go in real quick to get a blood draw to see where I'm at. I keep going until that is back at zero.

Physically, I feel better. Not great, but better. I'm still having cramping but the contractions stopped around Saturday night. I felt fine most of Friday until after my appointment and then they started up again. On Saturday Matt and I ran errands and that wasn't smart. I ended up in a lot of pain and who knew walking around that much would trigger contractions? *sigh* But let's just say I was mighty thankful that I had put extra pads into my purse because I went through quite a few. And I had a really awkward moment while getting frozen yogurt when I just absolutely knew I was passing a blood clot or something. I remember the first time that ever happened to me after I had Olivia and it was disgusting. Thank god the place had a bathroom and Matt stood there holding my frozen yogurt, not totally sure what was happening.

He's a good guy, that one.

We went out to dinner at a really shitty place on Saturday. I mean, it was pretty gross. But we had planned to go see a movie and I'm just not a huge movie person so unless I'm in the mood, meh. So we opted to drive to Two Harbors instead and walk out to the lighthouse. Poor Matt didn't have a jacket so he basically froze his nipples off and I couldn't make it all the way to the end without feeling ridiculously crampy, but it was nice to be alone with him for awhile.

Sunday was kind of rough. The kids were coming back from spending the weekend with Matt's parents and I was missing them, but also wasn't sure if I could just deal with the loudness after having such a quiet weekend. But it turned out to be fine and they were missing me and spent an hour telling me all about their weekend. 

Yesterday was a bit of a rough day. I am working alone and full time hours this week since my boss is on vacation, and that's fine. I thought I was OK to be here all of that time but it proved to not be the case. Maybe it's too quiet so I just sit and think? I cried a few times at work yesterday. Not just because of the miscarriage and thinking about that, but I'm really frustrated with the health care system in general. I need to see a doctor for my high blood pressure before I have surgery next Thursday for my face. Do you think anyone cares? Nope. The soonest I can get in is September and beyond. If I tell them what my blood pressure is all of the time, they tell me to go to the ER. Which, great. If I had decent health insurance I would. But I don't and I cannot afford that. I don't even care which doctor I see at this point, I just want someone to tell me if it's safe to go under general anesthesia or if I should post pone the surgery. Which I don't want to do because my face is killing me and I want this damn tooth out. 

*sigh*

So far, my week is shaping up to be a bit rough. I really hope I have enough money to do something fun this weekend with the kids. Their last day of school is Friday and they keep asking if we're doing anything. I was hoping to go to a different zoo than our local one and combine it with Father's Day, but we'll see. 

Sea Creatures

You guys. Just... order this right now because you need this book in your life, right now.

Sea Creatures - Susanna Daniel

When Georgia returns to her hometown of Miami, her toddler son and husband in tow, she is hoping for a fresh start. They have left Illinois trailing scandal and disappointment in their wake: Graham's sleep disorder has cost him his tenure at Northwestern; Georgia's college advising business has gone belly up; and three-year old Frankie is no longer speaking. Miami feels emptier without Georgia's mother, who died five years earlier, but her father and stepmother offer a warm welcome-as well as a slip for the dilapidated houseboat Georgia and Graham have chosen to call home. And a position studying extreme weather patterns at a prestigious marine research facility offers Graham a professional second chance.

When Georgia takes a job as an errand runner for an artist who lives alone in the middle of Biscayne Bay, she's surprised to find her life changes dramatically. Time spent with the intense hermit at his isolated home might help Frankie gain the courage to speak, it seems. And it might help Georgia reconcile the woman she was with the woman she has become.

But when Graham leaves to work on a ship in Hurricane Alley and the truth behind Frankie's mutism is uncovered, the family's challenges return, more complicated than before. Late that summer, as a hurricane bears down on South Florida, Georgia must face the fact that her choices have put her only child in grave danger.

Sea Creatures is a mesmerizing exploration of the high stakes of marriage and parenthood, the story of a woman coming into her own as a mother, forced to choose between her marriage, her child, and the possibility of new love.

You maybe don't know that I have a total reader crush on Susanna Daniel. I have read her first book, Stiltsville, so many times I can't count. That book was the first one I could quote out of and there is a line at the end that every time I think of it, I tear up just a little bit. I have purchased more copies of that book than any other and it's one of my most highly recommended books. Her latest book, Sea Creatures, is going to be such a tough rival. I loved it so much I can't tell you which of her two I loved more. It's like picking a favorite child, sometimes you just love one a little more at certain times. 

One of my favorite things about Susanna is that she has this ability to write where you are being punched in the gut all of the way through the story because it may  not be your story- but you identify with it. It's like she knows the secrets you don't even tell you closest friends and she just lays them bare on the page. You're left reeling, looking around to see if people are watching you because you just feel like it's all being projected across your face at the same time. This is one of those books that you just can't stop. 

In this book, we're centered mostly around Georgia and her son, Frankie. Her husband, Graham, has all kinds of sleep issues but they are dangerous and in retrospect, it makes for a terrifying home life for Frankie. Which is maybe why he's gone mute. While Georgia is grieving her mother's death, dealing with their heaving home life, questioning how good of a mother can she possible be when her child refuses to speak, and now she's thrust into an oddly comforting work relationship with a hermit who lives on a stilt house. What struck me through this entire book is that nobody is ever really who they seem. No matter how much you're around a person or what you think you know, you only know what they want you to know or show you. There is so much more to a person than just what you know. 

What I love about Susanna is that her books really center around marriage, how difficult it can be especially when raising children. A lot of similarities can be drawn between her two books but both have vastly different endings. There is a passage in Sea Creatures that I instinctively highlighted because it sums up what I've said for years about marriage: I don't believe on being in love for years. It's impossible. You just get into a groove and it changes. It changes for the better, you just have to look for it. 

"Anyway, long story, I know, but after I hung up with him I had this thought: I don't love him like I did. But I love him in a new way, and we are in this thing together. We are going to raise these children or die trying."

And.. isn't that just it? That's all any of us are trying to do. Maybe that's why I loved Stiltsville so much. That last line, where the wife thanks her husband for her life... it just kills me. Because even though Matt and I are nothing like the couple we were in the beginning of our relationship or even the beginning of our marriage, we're a bit better. We've fought battles together and against each other. I sometimes wonder if it means more to me because of those experiences? I don't know. But what I do know is that Susanna Daniel gets it and for that? I will always be a die hard fan. I cannot recommend this book enough. It's so amazingly well written, the story just pulls at you and just when you think it's going to be smooth sailing tragedy strikes and Georgia's world basically implodes. And the very end? The last chapter in regards to Graham? Confirms, you really don't know what another person is dealing with- people hide all kinds of things. People make choices that make no sense to some but in the end, bring such peace to the ones that matter that everything seems destined. It's just... so god damn good, this book. 

Fatal Desire

Let's start the week with a book review!

Fatal Desire - Valerie Thombly

Caleb is dark, hot, and commanding in human form. As a dragon, he’s a force to be reckoned with. When he witnesses the slave Lileta being beaten by his Overlord Odage, he nearly comes unglued. Without understanding why, he asks to take the slave as his own, but soon realizes his longing is more than an attraction to a beautiful woman. In a sick twist of fate, the gods have given him a demon as his mate—one he can never touch unless he wishes his own death. His only choice is to grant her freedom.

Lileta wanted to kill Caleb, but when she is freed by this tempting male, her anger turns to a desire that can only prove fatal. Even if she could claim him as her own, her dark past makes her unworthy of his love.

When their paths continue to intertwine, spiraling them to the brink of passion, can they resist the yearnings burning within them, or will they submit to their fatal desire?

I'll tell you right off the bat that this is book two of a series, and reading book one would be really helpful. I did not read book one, and I really struggled just trying to figure out what the hell was actually going on because there isn't a whole lot of back story given. What that being said? I still enjoyed it. 

It's definitely a romance novel with a LOT of fantasy/paranormal going on. Our lead characters are a dragon and a demon. Curiously enough, the demon is supposed to be deadly to a dragon yet the gods deemed it necessary to have them be mates. Which seems unnecessarily cruel until the story gets going and you see why that actually is the case. Can Caleb with Lileta's heart? If he can, their mating won't kill him. Lileta is a demon though, so she has some issues to work through and having been essentially sold as a sex slave for years, trust isn't the easiest thing for her to do when it comes to romantic gestures. Never mind that while they are trying to figure that all out, there is a battle raging on. Lileta struggles with her inner demon after finding out who her true father is. Caleb and Lileta's relationship is put to the test several times and let's just say, a lot of cloak and dagger stuff happens, people die, and new families are formed. 

I absolutely would give this a five star review. Sure, I was a little lost in the beginning, but I was basically hooked within the first chapter and I even burned my chicken fajitas because I couldn't tear myself away to cook. Matt can attest that burnt chicken fajitas are gross, so if you are going to read this, perhaps have someone else take the helm while you're reading. If you are a fan of paranormal erotica, you're going to really enjoy this. It reminds me of books I've read from Keri Arthur and Christine Feehan so if you are a fan of them, you're going to enjoy this book quite a bit. I'm already anxious to find out what happens in book three. I'm going to just put my guess that the next heartthrob to get a mate is going to be Lucan and I already think I know who that is. But maybe it's Seth. I think Seth's new friend is going to be fairly prominent in the next book for sure. So, there's your hint.  

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The Ocean at the End of the Lane

I've been eyeing this book for some time at Barnes & Noble as I do my aimless wander looking at all of the pretties. Then I get email a few months ago asking if I wanted to review it and it felt like fate.

And I'm so glad I did.

The Ocean at the End of the Lane - Neil Gaiman

Sussex, England. A middle-aged man returns to his childhood home to attend a funeral. Although the house he lived in is long gone, he is drawn to the farm at the end of the road, where, when he was seven, he encountered a most remarkable girl, Lettie Hempstock, and her mother and grandmother. He hasn't thought of Lettie in decades, and yet as he sits by the pond (a pond that she'd claimed was an ocean) behind the ramshackle old farmhouse, the unremembered past comes flooding back. And it is a past too strange, too frightening, too dangerous to have happened to anyone, let alone a small boy.

Forty years earlier, a man committed suicide in a stolen car at this farm at the end of the road. Like a fuse on a firework, his death lit a touchpaper and resonated in unimaginable ways. The darkness was unleashed, something scary and thoroughly incomprehensible to a little boy. And Lettie—magical, comforting, wise beyond her years—promised to protect him, no matter what.

A groundbreaking work from a master, The Ocean at the End of the Laneis told with a rare understanding of all that makes us human, and shows the power of stories to reveal and shelter us from the darkness inside and out. It is a stirring, terrifying, and elegiac fable as delicate as a butterfly's wing and as menacing as a knife in the dark.

What an incredibly beautiful book. I finished it in one sitting because I just... I couldn't stop. Admittedly, the story is just down right odd because you just don't know quite what Lettie and her family are, and you have no idea what this thing that attaches to this poor boy. At the same time, it's gorgeous. You want to know so much more about Lettie, and you want this boy to defeat whatever the dark thing that has entered his life. For a while it feels a bit like David and the Goliath, but Lettie and her family are so remarkable they just are incredibly selfless towards this boy. 

What was interesting to me is I was trying to think of the story beyond characters. It kind of comes down to people wanting, and sometimes needing, money. Maybe for all of the wrong reasons, maybe not. And you have this thing that wants to give you money and yet... yet you refuse to take it because what are the conditions? Is it the Devil? Are you making an deal that will gain you nothing and will lose you everything? 

Then we have this ocean, which looks like a mere pond. The boy goes into the pond and what he experiences is like ambrosia almost. It's just.... you just want to get in the ocean yourself. Lettie's mother seems almost bitter at the end towards the boy but at the same time, sweet because it's like what Lettie does is really what their job on this Earth is. I suppose it's like seeing a firefighter save someone and come out seriously injured or not come out at all. You're sad that this has happened to the firefighter, but you just have all of this pride that they sacrificed for someone else and it's really one of the most selfless acts that as a human we can even do. 

Overall? 5 stars. Dead serious. The book is a bit odd, but it's so beautiful. It's just... it's the kind of book you just hug afterwards because your heart is just so full for all of the characters. You're left with every emotion possible and yet you feel satisfied. I can't highly recommend this book enough. 

Please visit Neil Gaiman's website, Facebook, and purchase the book at Barnes & Noble. (You can also get it from Amazon and Indiebound as well, but I'm pro actual bookstore.) You really won't be disappointed. 

And then it was gone.

I really don't know if I can sum up in words what my last 24 hours have been like. I know a week from now I will (hopefully) not be such a damn wreck. I know every day it's going to get easier. I flip flop from wishing I would just skip all of the middle and get to that point.... and wanting to really remember what this feels like and just... absorb it to memory.

Last night, true to form, contractions started and it's odd that I thought I had forgotten what that felt like but no, I didn't. That memory is neatly tucked away somewhere in my brain. Also strange because it's like slow motion, going through all of the exercises you would if you were in real labor just to get some damn relief. My doctor said I could take some over the counter medicine for pain but I never did. It's like, if I'm going to be punished, I may as well take all of it.

I managed to fall asleep somewhere around 10 p.m. despite bleeding a lot and a decent amount of pain. I woke up right at midnight though because something felt wrong so I hobbled to the bathroom and I have never seen so much blood in my life. I felt all kinds of stuff leave my body and I'm sobbing, Matt's there trying to bring me whatever comfort he can but he's also not quite awake. I had this horrifying moment where I was sure that that was the baby in the bottom of the toilet and I just cried. I fell asleep, crying, hugging a god damn toilet.

Fast forward to around 4 or 5 this morning. Again, felt really off and I am trying to deal with tears, my pajamas, the god damn dog who thinks I'm obviously having puppies and before I know it, something plops into my hand as I'm trying to get situated.

And I should have never looked. I shouldn't have. I know I paused but I couldn't stop myself.

It was very clearly my baby.

It was tiny. I could see eyes, the beginnings of where ears would be, the super beginnings of legs and arms, big head. It's like.... exactly what those computer images you see in "what your baby looks like now" videos on pregnancy websites. I don't know what I was expecting but that was horrible. It was horrible to know that I held the entire world in my hand and it was for nothing.

In hindsight, maybe I should have done some ceremonial thing, maybe I would feel closure. Instead, I admittedly freaked out and dropped it and flushed without thinking twice. I was so scared. I just panicked.

And I feel like shit. I feel like I just threw my baby away and I immediately regretted it.

And I cried. Oh, did I cry.

It was that moment that I knew there was no way in hell I was going to be able to work today. Not a damn chance. I really don't want to talk to people about it, I don't want to see pity in people's eyes, I don't want to hear the "I'm so sorry" because it just doesn't help. I feel like I'm firmly in the angry at the world phase. I think back to my appointment yesterday and a fucking crack head has a newborn, and I don't. If there really is a God, he's doing a really shitty job. He'd rather a baby be born addicted to drugs to someone who won't take care of it than give him to me when I would love the hell out of it? I mean, you can try to explain it away that we don't know why God does what he does, but when I look at everything in my life I just firmly don't believe he's there. We're all on our own, doing it for ourselves.

I know in my heart obviously, something was wrong with the baby. The stars didn't line up quite right and that's why I'm in the boat I am. When you look at everything that needs to happen just so to make a baby healthy, it's really a miracle we're able to birth so many babies at all. I know in my heart I am not equipped to hand a special needs child like others can. It just doesn't make it any easier to think my body failed me. It's like, all the precautions and care mean nothing in the end- it is what it is.

So tonight, I'm still bleeding and I'm crampy. I'm exhausted. My face is puffy. Every time I think I'm fresh out of tears, they just start silently pouring. It's like I don't even know I'm doing it anymore until it gets to full on ugly cry and I've got boogers all over myself. I really hope I can pull it together for tomorrow, since I absolutely HAVE to go to work tomorrow.

Friday will be awful. I have my appointment in the morning for my ultrasound to make sure everything that needs to be gone is. Matt is going to work because we have Jackson's kindergarten graduation and I'd rather have him there for that than my appointment. I'm debating on going alone or asking my mom to come. I don't know if that's something I'd rather just go to alone and maybe sit somewhere afterwards or not.

I will say, probably the worst part of today were my kids this morning. They both woke up and came to lay with me before getting ready for their school day, like we do every day. Jackson had been crying and just said to me, "Mama? Can we get another baby? I really wanted to be a big brother." I mean, my heart broke even more. Whatever thread it was hanging together by was gone at that moment because I felt like I let my kids down. Matt said to me last night he really believes we should try again. And I'm just... I don't know. I'm straight down the middle again.

So right now, I feel a little lost. I just feel like a balloon adrift. No real purpose, no end destination. It's just a phase. I'm sure in the coming weeks I'll feel better. I really wish I had the money to just.. go somewhere. Just book a vacation and go. I want to be on a beach and watch the water. Or just.. go somewhere warm and go hiking and relax in a pool. It feels like there's too much here weighing on me and I feel like I'm suffocating.

BUT, we're broke and that isn't going to happen. I'll guess I'll just take a bath.

I will close by saying thank you. Thank each and every one of you who have sent me a message, cards, email, text, whatever. I haven't responded but please don't think I didn't see it or I don't care. You don't have the right words to say and I don't know how to respond without seeming callous or like a nut job. I'm in a bad place right now but knowing I have so many behind me holding me up is really amazing. I don't know how much worse off I would be if I were all alone, and so I appreciate it. I do. Thank you so much for being so wonderful and kind. Every little bit helps.

Sigh.

Well. I don't think there is ever a good way to deliver bad news, is there? It's best to rip it off like a band aid, I suppose.

I lost my baby.

I went to the doctor today and I knew immediately that baby was gone. Not only was there no heartbeat, it wasn't any bigger and it looked.... it looked like a black hole. I knew right away. I couldn't look at Matt because I didn't want to cry. For once I just wanted to be strong. The ultrasound tech looked so sad and she just rested her head on my leg and said, "Oh honey.... things don't look like they should."

And I cried.

I cried so hard. Never in my life had I cried that hard. I felt like a failure. I felt like as a mother, I failed my baby. I felt like I let Matt down- I couldn't even carry his baby. I couldn't do it right and I'm sorry. I tried.

The irony here, is that it was that moment that made me realize how badly I wanted that baby.

I felt like I was being punished.

I think that ultrasound tech knew all of this was running through my head. All I remember is her hugging me as Matt stared as the still image of our dead baby, and her saying I was still a good mom. I didn't do anything wrong and that nature just worked out something that would have been harder for me later on.

In my head- I know all of this. I do.

I still can't look past it.

I left there with a prescription to essentially induce a miscarriage on my own. I know a lot of people opt for a D&C and I just couldn't. It felt cruel to just suck it out like it meant nothing at all. I feel like, as the mother, I can endure whatever pain and emotional upheaval is coming my way. I owe my baby that much.

I came home, followed the directions on the medicine and waited for my kids to come home. Thankfully, my mom said she could pick them up from school and bring them home. It's been a few hours. I was doing OK emotionally. Matt and I told the kids- they cried. They cried hard, which only makes me cry harder. Jackson asked me if we could still have a baby someday and I said maybe we could. Matt told me he would like to try again. Me being pregnant made him think three is in our future. I'm just too numb to think.

I was doing OK. I'm in some pain but it's not horrible. It feels exactly like early labor contractions, just as the doctor said they would. She said within 48 hours it should be gone. I go for a follow up ultrasound on Friday morning to make sure.

Right before Jackson's kindergarten graduation. I don't know how I'm going to keep it together during that as it is, and then I'll have this on me.

About an hour ago I felt a surge of pain and sure enough, I've started bleeding. That's when I lost it. I can't even tell you the guilt I feel right now. No amount of rationale is going to make this better for me. I know in a few weeks I'll be fine. I know I will. Right now I'm just crying because I just wish life would give me a fucking break. Why does everything have to be such a god damn uphill battle? Why can't things just happen and be amazing for me? What have I done to deserve nothing but struggle all of the way? I'm a good person. I do good things for people, I try to be kind and thoughtful, I help everyone who needs it when I can. And yet, none of it even matters because my heart is so battered some days I can't even breathe.

And now I get to feel my baby leave my body and it'll be for nothing.

The alarming thing is that the doctor held my hands and said, "Sara. I want you to prepare yourself and do not be alarmed. You ARE going to pass a noticeable size of tissue. It won't look like a baby, but you're going to know what it is. I don't want you to be scared, I want you to be prepared. You can do this." I left there feeling like I had a plan and I was going to do this.

And now it's started and I am absolutely terrified. I'm sad and terrified.

Nerves, vomit and a bladder who is heartless.

So tomorrow I have what is supposed to be a 7 week prenatal appointment. I went last week and they had determined that I was only 6 weeks and 2 days, so they couldn't see the baby's heartbeat. She assured me that's normal and that 99% of the time, they can't see anything until 7 weeks and hear it at 10 weeks. They gave me a due date of January 18, 2015.

Which, a baby born in a blizzard doesn't sound ideal AT ALL. Nor does trucking it in the middle of the night when it's -50 outside. Alas, baby 3 doesn't give a damn and will probably come at the worst possible weather moment this winter. I'm just sure of it.

But I go tomorrow and they will do another ultrasound to make sure they see a heartbeat and then we go from there as far as appointments and all of that.

Can I be totally honest? I'm very nervous.

But let me back up. With my previous pregnancies, I never had any real discomfort. Sure, Olivia gave me heartburn that I thought was going to set my chest on fire. Sure, Jackson got lazy and was all, "I'm just going to lay here and not move because I'm tired." and he made me worry. (Which to this day, Jackson is by far, one of the laziest children I know. His lack of movement should have clued me in on how hard it would be to get him to do anything requiring physical activity.) Other than that? My pregnancies were easy, super stress-free, and I felt good the entire time.

This time? Not the case AT ALL.

I have had incredibly vivid dreams of dramatic miscarriages pretty much every night for a week or so. They have gotten so bad that I wake up absolutely terrified to go to the bathroom for fear I'll see blood or worse, some kind of disfigured kidney bean blob of baby. It's absolutely irrational but I cannot help it and I am not kidding you- if they don't see a heartbeat tomorrow I don't know what kind of shape I'll be in.

Secondly, the morning sickness? Holy fucking HANNAH. I keep telling Matt this baby hates me. This baby must know I am still unsure about this whole thing and is punishing me the best way that it can- by making me vomit favorite foods. I can never eat a grilled cheese sandwich again and that makes me angry. I asked about morning sickness medicine and she said that basically, they now limit who gets it because so long as I'm not losing weight, I'll make it through this. Basically telling me in a really nice way they are sick of moms-to-be being absolute pussies about pregnancy. I get it, I say it to people all of the time. So at this point, I'm going to toughen it out because I refuse to be a pussy pregnant lady.

Thirdly, my bladder has essentially chucked deuces at me and given up on life. Thankfully, I haven't hit the "I have to pee all of the time" stage, but every time I throw up, my bladder just refuses to help a girl out. It doesn't matter if I make myself pee before I throw up, how I sit, what I do- that bladder is going to squeeze everything it has out as I'm throwing up just to throw salt on the wound. The doctor said there's nothing I can do, maybe do some Kegels. So, that's useless. Stupid ass bladder.

So, think happy thoughts and hope that I:
- see a baby heartbeat tomorrow
- don't vomit on medical personnel
- and if I do, I don't pee my pants at the same time.

*Matt says if I throw up and/or pee on myself, he's never coming with me to another appointment again.*