Wednesday, June 4, 2014

And then it was gone.

I really don't know if I can sum up in words what my last 24 hours have been like. I know a week from now I will (hopefully) not be such a damn wreck. I know every day it's going to get easier. I flip flop from wishing I would just skip all of the middle and get to that point.... and wanting to really remember what this feels like and just... absorb it to memory.

Last night, true to form, contractions started and it's odd that I thought I had forgotten what that felt like but no, I didn't. That memory is neatly tucked away somewhere in my brain. Also strange because it's like slow motion, going through all of the exercises you would if you were in real labor just to get some damn relief. My doctor said I could take some over the counter medicine for pain but I never did. It's like, if I'm going to be punished, I may as well take all of it.

I managed to fall asleep somewhere around 10 p.m. despite bleeding a lot and a decent amount of pain. I woke up right at midnight though because something felt wrong so I hobbled to the bathroom and I have never seen so much blood in my life. I felt all kinds of stuff leave my body and I'm sobbing, Matt's there trying to bring me whatever comfort he can but he's also not quite awake. I had this horrifying moment where I was sure that that was the baby in the bottom of the toilet and I just cried. I fell asleep, crying, hugging a god damn toilet.

Fast forward to around 4 or 5 this morning. Again, felt really off and I am trying to deal with tears, my pajamas, the god damn dog who thinks I'm obviously having puppies and before I know it, something plops into my hand as I'm trying to get situated.

And I should have never looked. I shouldn't have. I know I paused but I couldn't stop myself.

It was very clearly my baby.

It was tiny. I could see eyes, the beginnings of where ears would be, the super beginnings of legs and arms, big head. It's like.... exactly what those computer images you see in "what your baby looks like now" videos on pregnancy websites. I don't know what I was expecting but that was horrible. It was horrible to know that I held the entire world in my hand and it was for nothing.

In hindsight, maybe I should have done some ceremonial thing, maybe I would feel closure. Instead, I admittedly freaked out and dropped it and flushed without thinking twice. I was so scared. I just panicked.

And I feel like shit. I feel like I just threw my baby away and I immediately regretted it.

And I cried. Oh, did I cry.

It was that moment that I knew there was no way in hell I was going to be able to work today. Not a damn chance. I really don't want to talk to people about it, I don't want to see pity in people's eyes, I don't want to hear the "I'm so sorry" because it just doesn't help. I feel like I'm firmly in the angry at the world phase. I think back to my appointment yesterday and a fucking crack head has a newborn, and I don't. If there really is a God, he's doing a really shitty job. He'd rather a baby be born addicted to drugs to someone who won't take care of it than give him to me when I would love the hell out of it? I mean, you can try to explain it away that we don't know why God does what he does, but when I look at everything in my life I just firmly don't believe he's there. We're all on our own, doing it for ourselves.

I know in my heart obviously, something was wrong with the baby. The stars didn't line up quite right and that's why I'm in the boat I am. When you look at everything that needs to happen just so to make a baby healthy, it's really a miracle we're able to birth so many babies at all. I know in my heart I am not equipped to hand a special needs child like others can. It just doesn't make it any easier to think my body failed me. It's like, all the precautions and care mean nothing in the end- it is what it is.

So tonight, I'm still bleeding and I'm crampy. I'm exhausted. My face is puffy. Every time I think I'm fresh out of tears, they just start silently pouring. It's like I don't even know I'm doing it anymore until it gets to full on ugly cry and I've got boogers all over myself. I really hope I can pull it together for tomorrow, since I absolutely HAVE to go to work tomorrow.

Friday will be awful. I have my appointment in the morning for my ultrasound to make sure everything that needs to be gone is. Matt is going to work because we have Jackson's kindergarten graduation and I'd rather have him there for that than my appointment. I'm debating on going alone or asking my mom to come. I don't know if that's something I'd rather just go to alone and maybe sit somewhere afterwards or not.

I will say, probably the worst part of today were my kids this morning. They both woke up and came to lay with me before getting ready for their school day, like we do every day. Jackson had been crying and just said to me, "Mama? Can we get another baby? I really wanted to be a big brother." I mean, my heart broke even more. Whatever thread it was hanging together by was gone at that moment because I felt like I let my kids down. Matt said to me last night he really believes we should try again. And I'm just... I don't know. I'm straight down the middle again.

So right now, I feel a little lost. I just feel like a balloon adrift. No real purpose, no end destination. It's just a phase. I'm sure in the coming weeks I'll feel better. I really wish I had the money to just.. go somewhere. Just book a vacation and go. I want to be on a beach and watch the water. Or just.. go somewhere warm and go hiking and relax in a pool. It feels like there's too much here weighing on me and I feel like I'm suffocating.

BUT, we're broke and that isn't going to happen. I'll guess I'll just take a bath.

I will close by saying thank you. Thank each and every one of you who have sent me a message, cards, email, text, whatever. I haven't responded but please don't think I didn't see it or I don't care. You don't have the right words to say and I don't know how to respond without seeming callous or like a nut job. I'm in a bad place right now but knowing I have so many behind me holding me up is really amazing. I don't know how much worse off I would be if I were all alone, and so I appreciate it. I do. Thank you so much for being so wonderful and kind. Every little bit helps.


middle child said...

Your post? I feel like I've been punched in the guts. I have no words for you but know that I have tears in my eyes...grieve as you must. I care sooo much for you.

Lin said...

It's so cheesy and I hate myself a little for saying it, but time heals all wounds. You're so strong to have gone through what you did, by choice. *hugs*

thotlady said...

It is never enough, but it is all I have...I am so sorry.

FinnyKnits said...

You're definitely not alone over there, sister. We're all rooting for you and know how strong you are. Give yourself the room and time to get through this without feeling pressure to act one way or the other. Everything you do is with good intentions and nothing bad can come from that.

Hugs xo

Ruth said...

Oh, this sucks. I am sorry.
Years ago I had a miscarriage. I had no money and no one to help me or anything really so it turned out for the best. But, it hurt. At the ER, they did an ultrasound to make sure I passed everything, but they were wrong because I passed the baby after I came home. It was awful.
I bought myself one of those valentine teddy bears with the year on it.