Book Review: Say You Won't Let Go

I don't know why I don't go for novellas more often because there's some real satisfaction of finishing a book in a day when I have a ton of things going on around me. So I'm glad I had this one. I've finished the other books in the Return to Me series with an introduction of the Masters and Mercenaries series, which uggggggghhhhh... you know I'm going to get because I have no self control and now that I've "met" one character I can't go on with my life and not read the entire series. BUT! It doesn't exist yet so now I feel uneven and not OK.

You know how I am.

Say You Won't Let Me Go - Corinne Michaels

Emily Young had two goals in her life:

1. Make it big in country music.

2. Get the hell out of Bell Buckle.

She was doing it. She was on her way, until Cooper Townsend landed backstage at her show in Dallas.

This gorgeous, rugged, man of few words was one cowboy she couldn’t afford to let distract her. But with his slow smile and rough hands, she just couldn’t keep away.

With outside forces conspiring against them, Cooper hires the McKay-Taggart team to protect her. Emily refuses to let Cooper get hurt because of her. All she wants is to hold onto him, but she knows the right thing to do is to let go . . . 

I need to mention that I've read the other three books in this series so I'm familiar with all of the characters. Do you need to read them in order? No, I don't think it's imperative but I will say you may not understand Cooper as much in this book unless you read the previous book with Grace & Trent's story. Do you HAVE to? No, you'll be fine.

I had a lot of issues with the last book, Say I'm Yours, because I really didn't like Grace. I think she didn't give Cooper a fair chance and he seemed like a good guy. In this book we have Cooper and Emily's story and *surprise* I didn't like Emily. I liked her ambition and drive, I liked that she had goals and she wasn't going to compromise them for some guy and falling in love, BUT! She is an absolute moron when it comes to making rational decisions. Danger? "Oh, I'll not tell anyone- that makes the most sense!". You're told  not to go anywhere? "Yes, I'm going to run far, far away because I have never seen a movie involving a stalker!".

That's how stupid she is. I'm not kidding.

I really, really liked Cooper. He is willing to give her some space to live out her dreams, he's taking care of his obligations, and he's confident enough to make the long distances work. I really liked it. Sure, is he crazy protective? Yes, but not to the point where he drops his life to be around her 24/7, he knows his limitations so he hires a security team for her and entrusts others. I just really liked Cooper.

Now, I know it's a novella but I actually wanted more. I felt like this could have been more of a book and Grace & Trent could have been a novella because their story was boring. This at least had some action in it, and I liked that. When  you find out who the stalker is it was.... a little anti-climatic? There's a lot I could add here but it would give it away, but just know I have some thoughts about it and part of me was like, oh..... this is the easy way out. I felt like the author could have done more with this.

But it's a novella and it's OK. Calm down.

All in all? I'm giving this one a solid 3.5 stars. It's not quite to 4 for me but I really enjoyed it and like I said, I read it in just a few hours and that's always a good feeling. If you're a fan of contemporary romance (holla, holla!) I think you'll enjoy this series as a whole and Corinne Michaels. Definitely enough that you want to check out her other books too.

   

Book Review: Say I'm Yours

I'm trying so hard to work through my backlist books that have been sitting on my shelf for a long time. I'm not making any huge strides but it's nice to feel like I'm at least going forward. That doesn't stop me from buying more books but I refuse to acknowledge that I have any kind of problem.

Say I'm Yours - Corinne Michaels

From New York Times Bestseller, Corinne Michaels, comes a new second chance standalone romance.

I spent twenty years waiting for Trent Hennington to open his eyes and see me. But it was all for nothing. He chose to keep himself guarded and let me walk away, proving that my time and efforts were wasted.

I’m done being invisible.

It’s time to move on.

A single dance sets my new reality into motion, and I welcome it. After all, Cooper Townsend is perfect. He’s kind, sexy, and attentive—everything a girl could want.

I thought I got it right this time.

That my heart could mend, and I would be happy.

Apparently, some things really are just too hard to walk away from.

In this book we have the story of Trent and Grace. Trent is hard headed and afraid of commitment. Grace is ridiculously sensitive and incapable of moving on even when Trent pushes her away. Now, that's kind of a standard trope in romance but the difference here is that this goes on for TWENTY YEARS. You guys, this girl settles for this for TWENTY YEARS.

*insert giant eye roll here*

Trent has some really dumb issues as to why he won't commit to her and we know they end up together but the way they get there is a little ridiculous. Secondly, I really did not like Grace. Not even a tiny little bit. Grace is the worst. She's a whiner, she's an idiot, she is needy and dependent, she's indecisive and can't make a decision for herself, and she's completely incapable of figuring anything out. I think the author was trying to paint her in the light of being SUCH a great girlfriend and willing to take the emotional manipulation but really I felt like Grace was an enabler and taking that kind of abuse from someone doesn't make you a great partner.

In all, I had a lot of problems with this story. I'm glad we get the answers to some questions at the end of this book that were kind of eluded to in the previous books, I'm glad they end up together, it's just the way we get there that doesn't sit well with me. I was kind of disappointed because I really liked the other books, but this one fell flat for me. It should be noted that though this is the third book in the Return to Me series, they are all stand alone so don't feel like you have to read them before tackling this one.

   

Weight Loss Check In (week 22) Bikinis and Goodbyes

Hey lambs! Well are any of you shocked that I haven't miraculously gotten skinny over the last week? Are any of you shocked that I've done oh... not a damn thing to lose weight?

I'm shocked I'm not skinny but I'm not shocked I chose the lazy route.

I think this weather is sucking the life out of me. I don't care how much Vitamin D you take to supplement, it just doesn't do it for me. I saw that there might be snow at the end of this week and I'll be honest, I kind of started having some anxiety because I can't do it, man. I really can't do it.

But I wanted to talk about something I've been doing kind of behind the scenes and I haven't talked about it here but I also haven't really said anything to people around me. A few months ago I applied to be a part of the first run of this Body Image Bootcamp. It's being facilitated through a local boudoir photography business (same one I used for my photos) and it's all centered around this model. To be honest I wasn't completely sure what this was going to entail or really be but I'm game for anything that could help me feel better about myself in any way.

I really went into this knowing I did not group up to have a positive body image about myself and I know I am my own worst critic, but I wanted to know how I could raise my three daughters and one son to be the complete opposite of me. I want them to feel comfortable in their skin, no matter what they look like, to look at their body as just that- a body. I don't want them to think anything about their body determines their value as a person. Being skinny doesn't mean you're better. Being fat doesn't make you any better or worse than the person next to you. It doesn't mean anything at all, it's just a body. It's a disposable shell.

"We don't have an epidemic of obesity; our epidemic is one of judgement, bias, and hyperbole."

-Body Respect 

So far we've really narrowed down the people in our life who we considered to be body positive or negative and why. Learning how to turn our negative thoughts in neutral or positive thoughts, and that's actually really hard. For instance, if I believe I'm not smart enough, what could I say to combat that? I could say I am a college graduate. I'm successful at my job. I accomplish goals. See what I mean? We have to keep a tally on how many negative things we think about ourselves during the course of the day and if you want a real sobering realization? Keep track of that. It's horrible.

Also having to stop ask myself WHY something bothers me when I criticize it. When I decide I hate my stomach- why? Why do I hate it? It's big, it's bulging, I'm worried what people think about it, I worry that people are looking at it. In reality? There isn't a damn person in the entire world that gives a second of thought to my stomach. Nobody. Literally nobody. But I obsess over it. I feel like everyone is staring at me. It's my job to overcome that. Also? We have to stand completely nude in front of the mirror for two minutes every day. That's not on my top 50 list of things I enjoy doing so you know, that's how that's going for me. But you know what I realized is a trigger for me?

My vertical c-section scar.

I realized I know it's there, I've felt it, but I've never spent any time looking at it. I know when I came home from the hospital I had staples and I was scared of them because I didn't know what had happened. I was terrified to have them taken out and rightfully so, they healed oddly so it was painful. But I haven't ever really looked at it. Now that I do it every day, I cry every day. That scar changed everything about my life and I'm angry. I'm angry and I'm sad. 

Last week it was mentioned again that there isn't one illness, disease, or disorder out there that is solely caused by your weight. Not one. Is it a contributing factor? Maybe. Maybe not. Does it put you at a higher risk for something? It might. But you being "obese" does not guarantee that you will get a specific illness, disease, or disorder.

That was an a-ha moment for me.

Secondly, we talked about dieting and how the dieting industry does not want you to succeed. If you succeed, that means you no longer need them or their services and they lose money. Sure, it's nice to have some results for awhile so that you're mentally engaged and thinking you need this but really, they are banking on your falling off the wagon and having to start over.

And that got me thinking. Now, my goal is to get to 160 pounds. That's where I was able to get to at my most active point and I know that I can do it. But I spent an entire weekend looking at my Facebook feed and my Instagram feed and do you know what I realized?

Seeing all of these physically fit people talk about feeling fat is not helping me. It makes me roll my eyes. It's their truth and I respect that, they feel the way they feel. It just doesn't motivate me to change myself. In fact it makes me feel defeated, like I can't get there. If this skinny person feels defeated, what chance do I have? So... I made the decision to say goodbye. I'm unfollowing groups, pages, all of it. I'm going to be my own inspiration. Their "accountability" isn't helping me but I also don't want to feel shamed. I know what my shortcomings are.

My goals? I'm going to set my own. I'm going at my own pace. I'm going to not compare my journey to anyone else because nobody else has my set of circumstances. I'm going to do this. I can do this. I'm going to do this in a healthy, non obsessive way. I'm not going to deprive myself but I'm going to enjoy myself. It's going to be OK.

My goals this week are:

1. Two walks

2. One bike ride

3. Two sessions on BeachBody

What is your favorite type of exercise? I honestly think walking is my favorite, probably because I can clear my head, so I am anxious for warmer weather so I can do it outside more.

Good luck on your journey this week, lambs. We can do this.

Ears and Fatigue.

I feel like this week was more loaded down with doctor appointments but I guess not. I have an eye appointment yet this week but whoopty do.

We did take Lucy to her ENT appointment on Monday, though. Remember when I posted about how she's always sick and nobody knew what to do? Well as it turns out this guy doesn't either.

I had to wake Lucy up from a nap to take her so I wasn't sure what kind of mood she'd have because this girl LOVES to sleep. It turns out she was pretty great and doesn't mind the doctor at all, which is really nice.

So the first thing we did is her hearing test. That was actually pretty cool because I've always wondered how can they tell if a baby is deaf? Turns out they have this ear thermometer looking thing and with that they can tell. It takes literally 10 seconds. Lucy can hear but her left ear is greatly diminished and she has a lot of fluid in there. She has a little fluid in the right ear, not enough to get excited about. The game plan with that is to come back in two months and see if it gets better on its own. If it doesn't, she will need to have tubes put in and she'll likely have her adenoid removed because of her nonstop cold. I am VERY glad I went because Matt sucks at talking about symptoms and I'm basically a professional now. I also had pictures of her eye and how awful she gets and the doctor seemed taken aback by them and that's how the tubes and adenoid stuff came up.

But because we're coming back in two months we decided to cancel her ophthalmology appointment that was on Thursday because the last one is $400 out of pocket (insurance paid a whopping $2.10... yay!) and we know now that it isn't an issue with her actual eye, it's more of an ENT thing. So no point in going back to eye guy for him to say great, NEXT.

We did learn that little kids don't actually have a sinus yet, they aren't formed enough to get infected, so she definitely didn't have a sinus infection. Which I guess is pretty good. She did do her ten days of amoxicillin and seems to have helped because her eye isn't squinty and she doesn't have a cold (knock on wood). So I guess we'll see if that actually got rid of it or if we're just in a good patch and it comes back in two to three weeks like it's been. I'm not sure but I'm hopeful because she's just pitiful when she's not feeling well.

As for me I had my much awaited visit to psychiatry. He is really great and he's probably the only doctor in my lineup that I feel like sees the entire picture and knows what to do. He looks at things I'm experiencing and looks for connections and figures out how to improve what I'm dealing with without making something else worse.

I really appreciate that.

I think I've talked about being put on Ritalin to help with the chronic fatigue. I really am hesitant to be on stimulants but I also need to be awake at some point in the day and I'm out of options, basically. The decision today was because I didn't feel worse with my small dose of Ritalin, we're going to max me out but I can dictate how much I need in a day. So I can start at 10-20 mg and if that's not doing it or if I need another dose, I can take another 20 mg. I can only take 60 mg a day. I have to figure out at what time of day I can't have any more because I need to be able to fall asleep at night at a reasonable time.

We are leaving my anti-depressant and mood stabilizer the way they are because I'm not getting worse. I'm at the point where I know I'm not going to feel happy, joyful, etc so that's kind of unreasonable to expect out of a medication. The goal for me is to keep me even. I'm not happy, I'm not sad/mad. I still have a lot of days where I feel sad and I'm tired of getting up and going through another day. I have moments where for a split second I feel proud or I feel... like I can take a breath? Does that make sense? It never lasts long but it's something. I am getting better and better at faking it so I'm smiling, laughing, having a good time and people think I'm really feeling that.

I am not.

I've learned though that nobody wants to hang out with a person who visibly hates life. Have you seen the movie Inside Out? I'm Sadness. Basically that's my every day.

via GIPHY

I did forget to ask about my anxiety. I'm noticing my anxiety is actually getting worse and I forgot my notebook with my notes and questions in it (actually, I forgot where I put it so there's that) so I didn't even think of it. Until I was leaving and I realized the way I drive home is going to be closed for construction starting next week so I was going to try to find a different way to go.

But then I got really nervous and anxious about it so I chickened out and went the way I know that I know how to go. It seems dumb, doesn't it? But things as minor as driving a new route is stressful for me because I have a fear of getting lost. What if I get lost and I don't know how to get back home? I don't like to drive on unfamiliar streets because now it's requiring my brain to really pay attention and try to figure something out but that part of my brain no longer works like it did, so that's a really huge task, and I get anxious and upset.

Actually, I'm noticing more and more often that I can't focus. I've had focus and processing speed issues since my stroke but for awhile there I felt like while it wasn't getting better, I was learning how to function with it. Lately though, I'm dozing off and spacing out. I will start telling someone something and I trail off because I can't remember what I was going to say or what the point was so I can't keep going. It's really difficult and I'm really struggling with it.

Alright, so that's the scoop. Hopefully Lucy is on the mend and is getting healthier. I'm crossing my fingers.

Book Review: If You Go Down To The Woods

Honestly, I don't think I have read this many thrillers in a three year span combined than I have just the first three months of this year. It's crazy!

If You Go Down To The Woods - Seth C. Adams

We were so young when it all happened--just 13-year-olds making the most of the long, hot, lazy days of summer, thinking we had the world at our feet. That was us--me, Fat Bobby, Jim, and Tara--the four members of the Outsiders’ Club. The day we found a burnt-out car in the woods was the day everything changed. Cold, hard cash in the front seat and a body in the trunk. It started as a mystery we were desperate to solve. Then the Collector arrived. He knew we had found his secret, and suddenly, our summer of innocence turned into the stuff of nightmares.

I actually wanted to read this one because the preview gave me the feel of a Jennifer McMahon book and I am a big fan of hers. As it turns out, I wasn't really wrong. This book really starts out as a simple story of a couple of kids forming a little club and hanging out and maybe finding something not so great and it ends as something completely different and the transition between those two things is really fantastic.

The great part about this book is the nostalgia feeling it gives you. Reading this and you're brought right back to your days as a kid and I think we would all say we felt like an outsider ourselves so we'd feel like fifth member of the club. It's also compared to Stephen King's It and I will tell you- I am 37 years old and I think I was in sixth grade when that was a made for TV movie and it scared the crap out of me. To this day I won't walk past gutters and I do the running jump into my bed (even when I was VERY pregnant) even though I have drawers under my bed- you can't get under there. That made me a little nervous but I'll be honest, I didn't see a ton of comparison between the two but again, I have never finished It so I don't know. Maybe they end similarly but I wasn't scared reading this one. It's like Diet Horror. I think what helped to make it not scare me senseless is the fact these are kids and they are early teenage years. Somehow that made me think the scarier, more suspenseful parts were maybe a little more dramatized because it's a teenager. Do you know what I mean? Also, would the kids realistically do/say the things they do in the book? No, probably not and I'm pretty OK with that. What did bother me is some of the language, and you know I'm not a prude, there isn't much that offends me. I am trying to be more mindful of my own language and things I say so maybe that's why I picked up on things but there are some homophobic slurs and a few spots that I thought had a negative racial connotation and I tried to remember this book isn't taking place in 2019 so maybe this was true to the time, I don't know. But I felt uncomfortable in a few areas.

Overall? It was pretty good. I finished it over the course of a weekend. It was entertaining and I'd give it a 3.5 star.. maybe bumped up to a 4.

   
I received a copy of this book courtesy of the publisher (thank you!!) in exchange for an honest review, all thoughts and opinions are my own. Happy reading!

Book Review: The Vanishing Stair

I'm going to be coming at you with a bunch of book reviews this week and probably next because I finally am getting the reading groove back and finishing up books I've had on my desk. Lucky you, baby.

The Vanishing Stair - Maureen Johnson

All Stevie Bell wanted was to find the key to the Ellingham mystery, but instead she found her classmate dead. And while she solved that murder, the crimes of the past are still waiting in the dark. Just as Stevie feels she’s on the cusp of putting it together, her parents pull her out of Ellingham academy.

For her own safety they say. She must move past this obsession with crime. Now that Stevie’s away from the school of topiaries and secret tunnels, and her strange and endearing friends, she begins to feel disconnected from the rest of the world. At least she won’t have to see David anymore. David, who she kissed. David, who lied to her about his identity—son of despised politician Edward King. Then King himself arrives at her house to offer a deal: He will bring Stevie back to Ellingham immediately. In return, she must play nice with David. King is in the midst of a campaign and can’t afford his son stirring up trouble. If Stevie’s at school, David will stay put.

The tantalizing riddles behind the Ellingham murders are still waiting to be unraveled, and Stevie knows she’s so close. But the path to the truth has more twists and turns than she can imagine—and moving forward involves hurting someone she cares for. In New York Times bestselling author Maureen Johnson’s second novel of the Truly Devious series, nothing is free, and someone will pay for the truth with their life. 

I read the first book in this series, Truly Devious, awhile ago so I didn't remember all of the details but I will tell you I think reading that is helpful before this one, but I suppose it isn't completely dire to do it. I didn't remember a good portion of book one and I felt OK through this one but if you're a sucker for details, read book one. OK? 

OK. So this book is mostly Stevie trying to solve the case so that she can get back to the things that are important to her. I really love kid detective stories because honestly, kids aren't stupid and they are often better at sorting things out than the adults because they are willing to consider the impossible or the improbable. I will say I really enjoyed this book and I got through it quickly with both of my older kids (ages 13 and 10) clamoring to get their turn. It does cover some subjects that might be kind of tough for some kids, like kidnapping and death, but my kids got through Harry Potter so they'll be fine.

I will say, if I had to find a thing with this book that made me feel kind of meh? It would be the thing we learn that's been a question from book one. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to know what it is BUT. It wasn't as big as it was hyped to be AND I feel kind of sad that it's not a carry forward to the third book. It would have been better (for me) for it to be an even bigger thing and get a few more clues in this book to get you excited for the next book. I guess it doesn't matter and maybe the author has another trick up her sleeve for the next one, and I'll find out because I plan to read it because this series is surprisingly hard to put down and really great. I always worry about a series when book one was really good- can the author keep it up? In this case, Maureen Johnson did just that. Bravo.

   

   

I'm the lucky duck who got an ARC of The Vanishing Stair courtesy of the publisher (THANK YOU!) in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts are my own. Happy reading!

Weight Loss Challenge (week 21) *weigh in day

So it's April. I'm pretty disappointed that I haven't gotten into a routine yet but also that I haven't miraculously woke up skinnier. It's pretty annoying.

This is where I'm at as of April 1:

Chest:  43.5 in

Right Arm: 14.5 in.

Left Arm: 15 in.

Waist:  45 in. 

Hips: 49 in. 

Right Thigh:  26 in.

Left Thigh:  26 in.

Weight:  215 lbs

Clearly I'm back to where I started in January and that really sucks.

My friend Amy is starting with the 21 Day Fix program this week so I'm going to do it with her and have an accountability partner. The plan is for me to just do it.

My struggle is motivation. I am so tired that I'm not even sure if my official chronic fatigue diagnosis even covers it. It really feels like I use a lot of energy just keeping my eyes open. While I have bursts of energy, I'm busy trying to do other stuff. I'm struggling with prioritization. I know my self care needs to be important and at some point I have to make myself a priority, but I also know I have a responsibility to provide a meal for my kids, clean clothes, all of that. It's really hard to know at what point do I draw a line and then deal with guilt. Is the guilt worth feeling marginally better?

I don't know.

I did decide to cut out soda completely (save for my one, maybe two a week if I go out to eat if I feel like it) and I'm happy to report I feel like I am over the headaches that seem to come with that, so that's progress. It took two weeks and for a few days last week I wasn't sure if I was going to cave or not because the middle of my forehead was killing me.

I also battled pink eye for awhile and guess what you don't feel like doing with pink eye?

Exercise.

The good news is I've also been pretty good with my diet and I don't feel like I'm over eating and that's been good.

I'm also pretty excited that the days are getting longer so it's not dark so early anymore, and the temperature isn't really cold anymore. I'm hoping I can get out and go for walks outside again and I really want Matt to dig the double stroller out of the garage so I can take Penelope and Lucy in the afternoons after nap. God knows they could use the fresh air too because they are getting a little bit stir crazy.

You know what else? I'm kind of getting the itch to do a 5K. I'm 98% sure I can't run it but I really want to do one because they are generally fun but also because it keeps me on track to keep moving, to keep walk/running because I don't want to die in a race with a bunch of people watching. Ideas I'm thinking:

Mother's Day Walk/Run

William A. Irvin 5K 

Midnight Sun Midnight Run

So if you're a local buddy and you want to do any of these with me, let's make a plan!

Alright, keep on keeping on, lambs.