Monday, April 8, 2019

Weight Loss Check In (week 22) Bikinis and Goodbyes

Hey lambs! Well are any of you shocked that I haven't miraculously gotten skinny over the last week? Are any of you shocked that I've done oh... not a damn thing to lose weight?

I'm shocked I'm not skinny but I'm not shocked I chose the lazy route.

I think this weather is sucking the life out of me. I don't care how much Vitamin D you take to supplement, it just doesn't do it for me. I saw that there might be snow at the end of this week and I'll be honest, I kind of started having some anxiety because I can't do it, man. I really can't do it.

But I wanted to talk about something I've been doing kind of behind the scenes and I haven't talked about it here but I also haven't really said anything to people around me. A few months ago I applied to be a part of the first run of this Body Image Bootcamp. It's being facilitated through a local boudoir photography business (same one I used for my photos) and it's all centered around this model. To be honest I wasn't completely sure what this was going to entail or really be but I'm game for anything that could help me feel better about myself in any way.

I really went into this knowing I did not group up to have a positive body image about myself and I know I am my own worst critic, but I wanted to know how I could raise my three daughters and one son to be the complete opposite of me. I want them to feel comfortable in their skin, no matter what they look like, to look at their body as just that- a body. I don't want them to think anything about their body determines their value as a person. Being skinny doesn't mean you're better. Being fat doesn't make you any better or worse than the person next to you. It doesn't mean anything at all, it's just a body. It's a disposable shell.

"We don't have an epidemic of obesity; our epidemic is one of judgement, bias, and hyperbole."

So far we've really narrowed down the people in our life who we considered to be body positive or negative and why. Learning how to turn our negative thoughts in neutral or positive thoughts, and that's actually really hard. For instance, if I believe I'm not smart enough, what could I say to combat that? I could say I am a college graduate. I'm successful at my job. I accomplish goals. See what I mean? We have to keep a tally on how many negative things we think about ourselves during the course of the day and if you want a real sobering realization? Keep track of that. It's horrible.

Also having to stop ask myself WHY something bothers me when I criticize it. When I decide I hate my stomach- why? Why do I hate it? It's big, it's bulging, I'm worried what people think about it, I worry that people are looking at it. In reality? There isn't a damn person in the entire world that gives a second of thought to my stomach. Nobody. Literally nobody. But I obsess over it. I feel like everyone is staring at me. It's my job to overcome that. Also? We have to stand completely nude in front of the mirror for two minutes every day. That's not on my top 50 list of things I enjoy doing so you know, that's how that's going for me. But you know what I realized is a trigger for me?

My vertical c-section scar.

I realized I know it's there, I've felt it, but I've never spent any time looking at it. I know when I came home from the hospital I had staples and I was scared of them because I didn't know what had happened. I was terrified to have them taken out and rightfully so, they healed oddly so it was painful. But I haven't ever really looked at it. Now that I do it every day, I cry every day. That scar changed everything about my life and I'm angry. I'm angry and I'm sad. 

Last week it was mentioned again that there isn't one illness, disease, or disorder out there that is solely caused by your weight. Not one. Is it a contributing factor? Maybe. Maybe not. Does it put you at a higher risk for something? It might. But you being "obese" does not guarantee that you will get a specific illness, disease, or disorder.

That was an a-ha moment for me.

Secondly, we talked about dieting and how the dieting industry does not want you to succeed. If you succeed, that means you no longer need them or their services and they lose money. Sure, it's nice to have some results for awhile so that you're mentally engaged and thinking you need this but really, they are banking on your falling off the wagon and having to start over.

And that got me thinking. Now, my goal is to get to 160 pounds. That's where I was able to get to at my most active point and I know that I can do it. But I spent an entire weekend looking at my Facebook feed and my Instagram feed and do you know what I realized?

Seeing all of these physically fit people talk about feeling fat is not helping me. It makes me roll my eyes. It's their truth and I respect that, they feel the way they feel. It just doesn't motivate me to change myself. In fact it makes me feel defeated, like I can't get there. If this skinny person feels defeated, what chance do I have? So... I made the decision to say goodbye. I'm unfollowing groups, pages, all of it. I'm going to be my own inspiration. Their "accountability" isn't helping me but I also don't want to feel shamed. I know what my shortcomings are.

My goals? I'm going to set my own. I'm going at my own pace. I'm going to not compare my journey to anyone else because nobody else has my set of circumstances. I'm going to do this. I can do this. I'm going to do this in a healthy, non obsessive way. I'm not going to deprive myself but I'm going to enjoy myself. It's going to be OK.

My goals this week are:

1. Two walks
2. One bike ride
3. Two sessions on BeachBody

What is your favorite type of exercise? I honestly think walking is my favorite, probably because I can clear my head, so I am anxious for warmer weather so I can do it outside more.

Good luck on your journey this week, lambs. We can do this.


Lauren said...

This sounds like a great, but tough, program. I'm sure it would make me feel equal parts good AND bad. LOL I can see why your c-section scar would be triggering, and I hate that for you. I hope it's something that you can learn to "ignore" more in the future, or look more positively on, you know? Like - that scar is how you have Lucy, you know? Good luck with all of your goals. I love dancing, so that's my favorite, but I do need to move more often.


Kim {Hope Whispers} said...

Be your own inspiration!! I love that! I have quite a few very fit friends who talk non stop about how much more they need to work out and it always makes me wonder what they think of me! I try not to let it bother me, but deep down it makes me think ya know. Between all of my illnesses, losing weight is hard. I do enjoy a good walk but swimming is my jam! Sending good vibes your way! YOU GOT THIS!