Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Hello lovers. Let's talk about the time I peed my pants.

It feels like forever, doesn't it? I know I've kept you going with book reviews, but the days of me writing about life and lamenting about the latest home improvement projects feels far and few between. Things are busy for everyone and I'm right there with you, and I keep taking notes on things I should be blogging about. I'm hoping I can just get my shit together but folks it's hard. But let's start tonight and see if I can't make you laugh like old times.

So remember how last week I said I was going to a play called Spank that was a parody of the book Fifty Shades of Gray? And I was so super excited because I was going to go with Emily, who I really love and who I really miss, and I was just so excited to get the fuck out of the house? I didn't feel great Monday, Tuesday I was home with a fever, and then Wednesday I felt just fine. Great, actually. I thought for sure I would be good to go to this play which was in Minneapolis so that is about a two and half hour drive from me one way. It makes for a long night, but it's almost always worth it.


So I met her in Forest Lake and we drove into the city together and that drive... I all of a sudden felt off. But then I thought, well I haven't eaten today so obviously my blood sugar is tanking and I'll be fine after I eat. We got to Minneapolis and decided to eat at a place called Brother's Bar, which turned out to be nice and inexpensive and if I were feeling better I probably would have liked my food. I mean, I'll try it again, let's put it that way. I ordered a wrap and literally, as soon as I got it, I felt sick. Like going to lose my shit sick.

I went to the bathroom, and nothing. You know that feeling where you want to puke because you are convinced you'll feel so much better? And you wish you had paid more attention to the bulimia unit in school to learn  how they puke on command? Well that was me, and nothing happened.

We walked over to the venue for the play and Mill City Nights is a bizarre venue. Not only did none of the employees seem to have a clue what was going on, they had on suits and attire that made them look like they were pretend CIA folks who felt grossly important because of their shiny shoes and jackets. But they clearly had no clue.

And the play was alright. It was funny in spots but not really what I was thinking it was going to be? And the male lead was not the guy as advertised and honest to god- this guy looked like a mannequin. Not in a good way either, maybe it was just too much makeup to make him look chiseled on his face? I don't know. What I do know is that shortly before the half way mark I felt like I was going to vomit on the guy in front of me. And bless Emily- she said it was OK if we left and I hope it wasn't because I looked like I was going to vomit all over her. I would have really tried to turn the other way. Because that's what friends do.

So we leave, and I feel terrible for basically wasting our money, and I feel terrible like I'm going to throw up in my car, and it's just a total downer. I know I was a terrible date and I was probably far too quiet and it was only because I was trying really hard to not throw up.

So I drop her off at Forest Lake. I decide to drive to the gas station and get some gas, thinking I would be able to not stop in Hinckley, and get home faster.


As soon as I got out of my car I knew it was coming. I knew it. I kind of ran into the store and into the bathroom where I promptly vomited enough to necessitate a courtesy flush. Not only that? But I peed my pants.

That's right people, this 31 year old, absolutely stone sober woman, peed her pants in public. Not just a little, but enough to make it clearly obvious that oh hey- remember that sprite and water you drank all night? Yeah, bladder don't care- it's coming out. Proof that all of the kegels in the world can't save you from urine.

The best part about this is that I still had to pump gas. And drive two hours home in urine soaked pants.

After that humiliating bit, I got back into the car, after finding a Target bag to sit on, and started driving. Only realizing that every few miles? I had to pull over and puke. And I don't know if you have ever puked on the side of the highway in the middle of the night but it's pretty fucking scary.

And I ended up stopping in Hinckley anyways to get some water and also to puke again. But that was disorienting because on the other side of this bakery is a night club. Keep in mind, this is a Wednesday, Hinckley is Bible beating farm country, and they are playing music you'd hear at a rave where you would be dancing with Molly. So I've got the "boom, boom, boom" bass thing, and I'm puking and all I can smell is baked goods and it wasn't good. I probably also scared the attendant because my makeup was smeared, I obviously smell like urine and vomit, and my pants are clearly stained.

I got back on the road and from all of the puking? I was exhausted. So exhausted that I started hallucinating animals on the road, and all of the fog was really screwing with me, and I slammed on my brakes for a barrel. Thank god almost nobody ever is on the road with me otherwise I would have totally looked like a drunk driver. I made it home just before 1 a.m. and seriously- I felt rough.

So that was my Wednesday night.

I'll tell you about Thursday and Friday.... tomorrow.


Tina said...

Well you are much braver than I to go out after being so sick the day before. OMG, how does one prepare for out of town emergencies. Guess your experience now tells me to pack extra clothes...shit!

Kattrina said...

Ugg, that sounds horrible. I really hope you're feeling better. Shortly after my husband arrived in the States we went to DC to look at some of the tourist things and I felt sick on the top of the Washington Memorial. I ended up throwing up in the Air and Space Museum and then we had to take a 30 minute metro ride to our car (luckily I didn't throw up on that) and then drive 30 minutes home. I was driving down the high way and ended up throwing up while I was driving - in my car. All over myself, the steering wheel, the door. It was horrible. Then I cried because I was sad that my car was going to smell like throw-up forever. Luckily my husband cleaned it up for me (which he still likes to point out) and it didn't smell the next time I drove it. It was horrible though!

Why Girls Are Weird said...

Ugh that sounds awesome. I found out it's not good to wear a romper (I mean, why would anyone wear one anyway... but I did) if you have a small bladder. Yeah. They're ridiculous to have to pee in. Which isn't the same thing. But I've had too much coffee today so rambling is the thing to do.

Julie H said...

OMG girl!!Poor thing. Sadly I just totally laughed at you. Or with you? Sorry! But that shit is funny.