Wednesday, May 9, 2018

The aftermath of suicide.

Recently I've learned of one person I know directly and one indirectly who chose suicide as a means to an end. Every time I hear of this I feel sad and sometimes, I feel relief for that person because I'd like to hope that whatever hurt them here in this realm is gone in the next and they are at peace. Finally.

Since my mental health journey began, I have struggled with my own suicidal thoughts and extensive counseling and copious medications have gotten me through to this point. It hasn't been easy and I'll be honest when I say people rally for you during a crisis but nobody wants to walk the dark walk of depression for you. And I get it. It's isolating, it's frustrating, it makes no sense, and it feels like you're going nowhere. Nobody really wants to know how you really are when they ask, "how are you?". Let's face it, when someone says, "I'm doing really awful but hey- I'm medicated.", you start to back away and look around for someone else to talk to. Nobody knows what to say and I think a lot of us recognize when someone is struggling but we choose to ignore it.

Then a person chooses suicide and suddenly we rally, because it's a crisis and it makes us feel good, and we say, "reach out to someone today", "be kind to someone today" and for what? For today? Because by the end of the week we'll still think of the person and feel sadness but we've gone back to our behaviors. Instead of reacting to a crisis we have to move our mentality to prevention. I'll be the first to tell you that, for me, the suicide prevention phone numbers are a joke. Hearing someone say, "we'd miss you", "you're loved", "I'm hear for you" didn't work either. For me I knew my journey began and ended with me and it was going to be me to pull myself out of the hole, nobody else. But it would have been nice for someone to give me a hug and validate my feelings. Because though you couldn't understand them, my feelings mean something and they are my truth, as distorted as they are.

I'm rambling. I guess I just feel frustrated that in the aftermath of suicide, everyone wants to rally and pretend that they had no clue. That they can't look back in hindsight and think... there wasn't one thing I could have done differently. The fact is there always is. You can always make time for people, you can always hold their hand. Offer support. Give them a hug. Take them to get counseling. Go with them. Call them nightly to check in. Don't let them retreat inside of themselves. It's hard WORK to walk with someone with depression, I know it is, but it has to be done. Not everyone can do it themselves.

I feel like I have a really unpopular opinion on suicide but I think that now comes from being on the edge myself. I know before I looked at suicide as a selfish solution and now it almost feels selfless, like I wouldn't be a burden anymore so really I'd be doing you all a favor. It's a very warped way of thinking and I can tell you it feels like waves of thought, it comes and it goes. But when it's here? It's awful. It's all consuming. It is a voice that doesn't shut off and it's a continual loop of all the reasons you shouldn't be here. So when I hear of someone who has chosen suicide, only a small part of me feels sad for everyone else, but a bigger part of me feels hope that they are finally at peace. I hope it's quiet wherever they are. I hope it's peaceful. I hope whatever troubled them here has disappeared and they can feel the happiness that eluded them here.

1 comment:

Shooting Stars Mag said...

I don't see suicide has selfish, because really, how awful must it have been for that person to get the point where they want to end it all? At the same time, I don't want anyone to commit suicide - I want them to see some promise in their life or their future, or whatever it takes for them to stay and keep fighting. I can't understand what you are specifically going through, but having dealt with depression on some level, I get how it's not easy to explain or for people to understand, but you still want someone to BE there. So hopefully us, as your blog friends, show you some aspect of care, by being here.