Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Then it hits you.

I can't even remember when it was that I was at the psychiatrist last to have my medications adjusted. It wasn't that long ago. But I know he increased my Trileptal and says I should take so much in the morning and then half of that at night before bed. Keep my Wellbutrin the same (highest dose available) and I don't know, it works I guess. I do know the Trileptal kind of evens me out, if that makes sense. I don't feel angry and ready to throw things all of a sudden, so I guess that's improvement.

Just a few weeks ago the slightest annoyance would send me from 0 to 60 just like that and I would lose it. Someone spills milk? I'm done, I'm throwing their plate and literally anything not bolted to the floor, and leaving the room. I legitimately had no control over it. It would happen so fast that I couldn't even process what I had done until I was cleaning it up and everyone was crying.

Sometimes I think the memory loss is the worst part of my brain injury but for the most part, not being able to control my emotions has been the hardest. Not just because I don't have control but because that affects other people around me. It's no longer MY problem, it becomes a family problem.

So we increased my medication. He said I would know when I'm on too much if I start having seizures, that's basically the sign that you know you need to back off on dosage. Fortunately (knock on wood) I haven't had seizures. So that's nice. But for the first time in kind of awhile, a few months at least, I had a really horrible day.

On Friday I kind of started felt this depression setting in. It's really strange, it's almost like an illness just starting. Sometimes that's what it feels like. Friday night I started feeling unwell and just down. I was kind of annoyed with a few things but I figured I would just go to bed before my mood soured any further. On Saturday I woke up and right away I knew the day was going to be crap. Matt had gone to work, Olivia and Jackson were spending the night at Grandma's so that meant I was on my own for all of the morning chores plus Penelope and Lucy's neediness. And that's all fine, I know I can get through a morning like that. I don't like it, but I can do it.

By the time we got to lunch time I was just a mess barely keeping it together. It's this constant barrage of why I'm a terrible mom, and a terrible person, all the reasons my life is awful, reasons I should kill myself, ways to do it, and it does not stop. I think that's what people don't understand about suicidal thoughts: it's not a matter of "thinking negative things" or "think about good things" because it's like a recording you cannot shut off on a continuous loop in your head. It gets louder and louder, so then I get more and more irritable and I cry, and it's really difficult to go through the day like this. So by 3 p.m. I was done.

I just cried.

Penelope is having a meltdown over Lego's, Lucy is upset because Penelope tried to take her Lego's, Matt is either not doing enough to settle this or he flies off the handle, there is no in between, so I get frustrated because WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE GOOD PARENT?! At this point I feel like I shouldn't have to tell someone how to handle conflicts like this without being a jerk and then I feel like I can't have a meltdown because he can't just handle our life. Then I'm angry because it feels like he's being selfish. I should be able to weather the storm of a suicidal day and go through my self affirmation rituals so I don't fly off the handle but I can't because yet again.... it's me having to pick up slack. Then I start thinking, why am I the only one who took parenting classes to be a better parent? Why can't he do that crap? Why am I the only one who goes to conferences, schedules doctor appointments, handles after school activities, keep on top of grades and homework and what the kids are each doing every day, then making the meals, planning the meals, maintaining a house, and RAGE.

I feel like I'm at my boiling point. Thank god I have therapy this week because that always gets me off the ledge.

I went to bed just feeling so sad, and so defeated, and I feel so angry that people assume I'm doing alright. I look alright, I can hold a conversation (mostly), I'm trying to keep up with responsibilities but a lot of days I can only pick one thing and that's what I do and everything else falls through the crack, and I cry a lot. I cry every single day and it is so exhausting convincing people I'm OK when I'm very much not. But I know people are sick of hearing it, and I know nobody really cares about my trauma and how it has irrevocably messed me up and that won't get better so I'm trying to cope, and I'm angry because I feel alone. I have family around me but nobody else is really checking in with me anymore, or the ones who do don't really want to hear how it is because they're helpless. I get it. I really do. So I have all of this, plus the continuous loop of reasons and rationalizing why I should kill myself going in my head every day and it is so loud. I'm trying so hard and every day feels like an actual war.

So Saturday was a bad day. It's a bad day, not a bad life. I'm trying.


Shann Eva said...

I know that nothing really helps that loop, but know I’m out here thinking about you. I know you’re trying and you’re such an amazing mom. I hope you get some medication that helps, and maybe the exercise will help too. Sending hugs and love.

Julie H said...

Please just keep trying and taking each day one day at a time. Soon the kids will be bigger and it won't be so hard.

Beth (Coffee Until Cocktails) said...

I can't even imagine those frustrations and those feelings and how much it just sucks. But, I am glad you share so openly here, you just don't know who you're helping in doing so. Someone else out there just might be going "hey me too." Thinking of you. <3

Shooting Stars Mag said...

Bad days are rough- where all you want to do is cry and not do anything. I get that part. I hope you know that I'm here and I wish I lived closer so I could actually do more, but I'm happy to listen. It does suck when you feel like you can't help someone, but it's also good for that person to just let it out sometimes, so I'm listening, and so are others. We're here for you!!

I'm glad you were able to see your therapist and just keep going, keep being honest - no matter what you have to say. It's the only way to help things. And I hope the new med combinations will help!


Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

There has been talk of taking me of one anti-depression medication and starting me on a different one, this make me nervous as when I am not taking both the anti-depression medication I cry at the drop of a hat or any other thing and take everything personal, I think I am being attacked all the bloody time. So all in all I feel like shit

Shybiker said...

I'm sorry. As the other commentors point out, remember that there are people who care about you, even if they're online friends. Life is rough and you're doing your best. I admire your courage and candor.

Unknown said...

My god woman we are too similar. Stupid strokes. Granted I don't have the kids and husband, but I do have family and friends and Bryan and I've been there. Especially when it physically feels like my brain wants to explode again and all I can do is just lie there staring at the wall or ceiling.

I know I don't check in as much as I should, but I'm just a FB message away always. <3


Why Girls Are Weird said...

My brother is going through some life changes and dealing with depression because of it, and I've been working to remind him to just take it a day at a time and not worry about the next day. It's so hard though. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Know I'm thinking of you.