It shouldn't be this hard.

I have made it no secret that Lucy was very much an oopsie baby. We were taking precautions and none of it actually mattered because my uterus hates me. Maybe she just likes to be busy, I don't know. Lucy is 100% our last baby, that is the plan. Matt has had his vasectomy and they are 75% sure I can't get pregnant if I wanted to because of the tremendous blood loss to my ovaries and also not having any hormones, those are important things. But that means there was the 25% maybe and if Lucy could slip through that teeny tiny window, god knows triplets or something would make it in that 25%. So Matt had the vasectomy because we wanted to make DAMN SURE a fifth baby cannot happen.

So no more babies. We knew that. I know that. I do. I can't remember anything from yesterday but I vividly remember agreeing to no more babies. Done. No more.

Which makes my recent feelings about that really bizarre to me. I remember being sad when we got rid of all of the baby things after Jackson, I definitely did not feel done after him. This time, I feel done. I do. I think. I mean, I guess I don't remember if what I feel now is different back then, but it's really tough.

In the back of my head I had this wiggly, random angry feeling about being done. It's one thing to be done on your own terms, but being told I am done from a medical standpoint? That bothers me. It feels like a parent telling a kid no and they've got that look in their eye when you know they are going to do it anyways. It's just like that. Part of me wants to get pregnant and be like, "SCREW YOU, I can totally get pregnant!" and the other part of me is so damn relieved I don't have to do it again. I never have to deal with the fear of delivery and wondering what if.

Then there are days like today, where I'm trying to clean and organize, and it's not going well. I was getting angry with myself because I don't have the ability to do things like I once could, and I decide that now is the time to clean the cupboard with toddler dishes.

So I lined all of the bottles up and the mesh feeder and I started crying. Crying so hard I almost couldn't breathe. It felt like the biggest punch to my gut, a visual realization that this is really it. Then when I realized that I don't remember any of Lucy's firsts, or what it was like to snuggle her newborn self, the sound of her first laugh, her perfect baby smell, how soft her first hair was, or what she felt like on my chest? I can't remember what it was like to feel her kick in my stomach, or rub my belly, the excitement of labor and knowing she was coming. I cried like someone had died. On my kitchen floor. Alone. I cried and I cried.

I am so angry that all of those moments, especially profound since she is my last, are gone. They have been stolen from me and I can't ever get them back. Worse yet? I have no memory of any of my kids. The only "memories" I have are like actual snapshots in my head. Like the pictures in their baby books is what I have and I know it must have happened because I'm in the photos. I don't have that with Lucy. I don't know what it was like to hold her for the first time, and I imagine I must have felt a lot of things considering I had died.

Matt said he was told that one of the medications they had given me at some point would basically make me not remember the event and subsequent pain, but they didn't know if I'd have any other memory loss- it's kind of a toss up. And in hindsight, know how much is gone, I would give anything to have it all back. I would have taken the horrific pain for these memories. But I know in the split seconds they had, the medical team thought this was best. I can't fault them for that,  I would have made the same call if someone asked me to make that kind of decision for someone else.

I imagine this is what it maybe feels like to have dementia or the beginning of Alzheimer's, there are lots of things you don't remember and you don't remember what you don't remember. If you ask me a direct question, I probably can't answer it, but if I'm not trying to remember, some times it just pops through my head. Like in the dark, until your eyes adjust your peripheral vision is better than looking straight ahead- that's how my brain is. I know the information is there but if I try to remember in a really roundabout way, I can do it. Ask me to recall information right away? Nope.

So that's where I'm at. I am slowly ridding the house of baby things and it's killing me. The crib will likely come out this weekend and I know I am going to be a mess. I know it. I'm scared. I feel like there isn't ever going to be a good time to do it and maybe I need to just rip it off like a bandage. All of my doctors and therapist tell me it's normal to be angry and sad. To have unexpected triggers and it's OK to cry. I don't have to apologize for it, I just need to get myself to the next moment. It all passes, even the moments when it hurts so bad it feels like a tangible pain. I would never wish this on anyone. Never, ever.

Penelope's Nursery. Quite possibly, the most put together room in our house.

I've been working on this post for so long. So, so long. But every time I thought it was done, something cool would arrive or I'd find something new for her room, and then I felt good about not prematurely posting the greatness that is this room.

The only thing missing are these super adorable vinyl mermaid's my dear friend Jamie is making, and I've already seen them (via text) and seriously- so cute. But those will come soon and I'll do an update photo. But because I don't know when those will be coming, but when they do, I'll show you what they look like on the wall. When I say her room is probably the most put together? I mean it. Both Olivia & Jackson's looked really awesome after I was finished, but they are kids and they aren't organized and accessorized like I had them.

Of course.

So the bonus is that Penelope is a baby and for at least a little while, her room will still look this way.

Here is the view when you stand in her doorway and look left. The rug? An amazing, last minute find at IKEA. It is cleverly hiding a giant blue paint stain on the carpet. Because there was ONE TIME where I said I totally didn't need Matt's help but as it turns out, when he says to use a drop cloth, he isn't kidding and is right. Just that one time.

And this is if you are looking straight ahead from the doorway.

Next to her crib, I have a shelf that I bought years ago at Target in the bathroom storage aisle. It used to be scrapbooking supplies, then kid craft things, then scrapbooking, and now it holds Penelope toys.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider artwork is from Hobby Lobby, and The Little Mermaid artwork is from Olivia's room, but originally came from Michaels. We (and by "we" I really mean "I") knew we were going to do an ocean themed room right from the beginning, but if baby #3 was a girl, I figured I'd add mermaids and jazz it up. So the mermaid artwork was the first mermaid thing I added. 

On the shelf is the cute octopus even Olivia and Jackson like that was a gift from my friend Kim. I also have a quote from Goodnight Moon in a sparkly blue frame. That, coincidentally, was a table decoration for my friend Emily's "children's literature" themed shower I did, and because the book is a beloved one in our house, I decided to save it. 

Above the crib is a super adorable, totally custom made sign that reads "Make a wish upon a starfish" that my blogger/etsy/Facebook friend Kayla made. She is amazing. The gold "P" was a birthday present from my friend Amy and I knew right away it was going above the crib.

Also made by Amazing Kayla are the eight wooden ocean themed art pieces above the dresser and changing table. Remember that changing table project? Super easy, but it looks amazing in the nursery. I didn't take a close up of the top of the dresser, but I have a handmade Noah's Ark guy that my mother in law made, a little hat that says "New Sister" the kids got at the school holiday shop in December, a little basket of headbands, and a green vase with shells from Florida (from our honeymoon, even) and some flowers that were on my diaper cake from my baby shower.

Aren't these adorable? I sent her paint swatches of the wall colors and found some images I thought would be cute, and she did the rest. And SUPER fast, too. You can check out Kayla's Etsy page HERE, or her Facebook page HERE.

Now, if I'm standing at the dresser and turn to the corner, this is my view.

Oh! So I found these two ornaments at Kohl's around Christmas time. I bought them, forgot about them, but then couldn't figure out what to do with them. I couldn't find any table top ornament hangers and certainly didn't want to order any online. But then! I happened to find these two wall hangers, which I think are for towels or something, in the summer area of Hobby Lobby. They matched the room and I figured I'd make them work.

I took the floating shelves out of the living room since the new TV stand is where these were, and put them in Penelope's room. The bears were in a huge assortment of toys my friend Michelle gave us. The little blue wooden sign on the top shelf is from Kohl's, and it's a quote from Guess How Much I Love You.

On the bottom shelf is another table decor quote from Emily's baby shower, and a golden mini "P" that I got at Hobby Lobby. Actually, I found it on accident on my search for paper to make my baby shower thank you's. It was totally not anywhere it should be so I figured it was a sign I should have it.

Under that is a picture of Penelope's last ultrasound and well wishes from people from my baby shower. That was such a great surprise and obviously, that's a keepsake. It looks so perfect under the shelves.

And then! I am so damn lucky to have a friend like Shannon. Shannon's owns her own stained glass store called Shannon's Stained Glassery and  not only does she hold classes, but she makes incredible things. The really great thing about being her friend is that she makes you incredible things nobody else will have and she puts so much thought into them. Seriously. I have an amazing goat pendent she made me, and recently I got a really kick ass spoon rest I'll share soon, but by far my favorite gift was this mermaid night light. I hadn't found a night light I liked and little did I know she was making me one. AND the blue glass perfectly matches the wall color and that was a total fluke. So gorgeous.

I am re-purposing a small white cabinet (again, was in the bathroom storage aisle in Target) as a night stand/bookshelf for Penelope. The books that survived Olivia and Jackson are in here, along with a bunch of little kid cd's they don't listen to anymore. Except I don't have a small CD player for them, so that's on my shopping list soon.

Penelope also has a pretty huge closet. The clothes in here are 9 month and up, basically. Her dresser is literally loaded and there is a lot in here. She even has an entire basket of varying size shoes already.  I have a plastic pink chair Olivia used to have in there that I'm sure we'll use someday. Also I have her bath seat and an infant tub, currently inside of her laundry basket. You can't see it, but on the floor I have her play mat my friend Kim also gifted her. Otherwise the cats fight over it, so now I keep it locked in the closet. Jerks.

The shelf is stock full of wipes, lotion, baby bath, extra receiving blankets, bibs, hats, mittens, etc.

The diaper hoard. Organized by size, obviously. I also have kid games in here because we ran out of room on the hallway shelf. But I have enough newborn and size one diapers, I think. The rest are 2, 3, and some 4's.

My inlaw's won a cedar chest in some raffle at a fundraiser they were at. They donated it to Penelope and you can't see it super well, but the inside of the lid says "Penelope Rose". Even though her name is Penelope Rose Mary. But that's OK. So in there I have a baby carrier, some swim diapers, a teddy bear and I think a few other random things Jackson threw in and decided she needs.

So that's her room. It's kind of great. It's easily the happiest little room in the house. I've been doing a little bit as we go and the major things were done awhile ago, it's the little touches I have been working on. But I feel a huge relief having it totally done, so it's ready for her whenever she comes home.

Diaper changing table makeover- not even a Pinterest rip off!

You've been hearing me say I'm going to show you this diaper changing table I rescued from being ugly to being super duper cute. And it's true! I really did! I also didn't rip something off of Pinterest, I did this sucker all on my own. 

So it starts off way back in July. I see this super ugly diaper changing table on a Facebook garage sale site for $30. I haggle the lady down to $20. (Which, not really because nobody else wanted this ugly ass hospital reject looking thing.) 

Look at you, you ugly little thing. And you smell. Shame on you. 

But then I started working. I knew that I wanted the bedroom to be an ocean theme room so I figure maybe if I painted the metal rails a brown/almost sand color, that would work. It came with a "pad" which reeked so bad and was torn up and obviously not the one it was meant to be with because it didn't truly fit. So my first search was to find a fabric I could make a pad out of, but something I could easily wipe. 

And I found it. I found this really funky multi color plastic like fabric and it was on clearance. I bought some poly foam squares, some spray adhesive and had Matt cut me a super thin piece of random wood he had in the garage to fit the top of the changing table.

First thing was to make sure my foam fit my board. It did, thankfully, on first try. I sprayed the hell out of the back of the foam and adhered it to the board. I let that sit for awhile to set, but I also put a bunch of pots and pans and random heavy things on it so I would make sure it stuck.

Next I sprayed the board and the foam with more adhesive and essentially wrapped it like a present

And because I cannot work a glue gun and nobody is going to see the bottom, I used duct table to double make sure my fabric doesn't come off. But I also put heavy things on it to set overnight.

After three coats of spray paint (to cover all of the white and the rusty colored spots that weren't rust), here's what it is.

 Except... it felt naked.

And I had left over blue spray paint that I had used on a project in Olivia's room and I thought, what the hell. Spray the shelves!

Isn't it pretty? So we have three blue walls (the color of the shelves) and one green wall (shown here, it's like a key lime green color). 

But stay tuned, this bedroom is really kicking ass and I have more to show you. Soon. 

But this was a super easy project. And if this project looks similar, it's because I used the same technique to make the bench in my porch (here). Which, after all of this time and two winters so far, it's held up really well. The versatility of being able to just wipe it off is really nice too. Especially in a baby's room because as we all know, shit happens. 

And the gender is.....

... well let me tell you how the appointment went first, mmkay?

First the kids were so stinking excited the night before that I honestly don't know how much sleep they got. I had been talking this up for them for awhile, so I figured they totally knew what this was going to be. I feel like I do a good job at preparing them for things but apparently, I dropped the ball. As soon as we get there, Jackson asks me how we're getting the baby home if we don't have the car seat. I said, "Oh buddy, we're just going to see what it looks like, while it's in my belly. It doesn't come home until after your birthday." He quickly declares, "Then why are we even here??".

Okey dokey then.

So once it started I was super excited. Then I got worried we weren't going to be able to find out because as it turns out, the baby kept it's foot in its mouth pretty much the entire time. Except for a few seconds where it stuck it's tongue out at us, which Jackson kind of liked.

But for a quick moment, we got a quick image of a butt and a money shot.



So the tech is pretty certain we are having a girl. Which means that little Penelope is on her way in May. Or maybe she'll keep with tradition of her sister and be a week early, and show up in late April. We just don't know.

Olivia is thrilled. Jackson... well he wasn't. But the good news is that maybe his reluctance was just for show for me, because when he got back to school he eagerly told classmates and pretty much every adult he saw that he was having a baby sister. So that made me feel better.

He also woke me up this morning to tell me that the "good news" is that at least he'll still be my "favorite boy", which is what I've called him since he was a baby. So I think we're going to be just fine over here. We'll add some mermaids and pink to the ocean themed room and things will be ready for her to come join us.

And how do I feel about it?

I feel... kind of scared? Which sounds ridiculous because I have one of each so it's not like I don't have experience or I'm going to be getting into something new. But at the same time, because I have one of each, I feel like I at least have something to compare to. I'm kind of nervous because I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing with Olivia, and here I am, adding another girl to my mix. With Jackson it feels easy because I get him. I think Penelope is going to be so different, personality wise, from Olivia and Jackson and that scares me because anyone will tell you I have really great kids. Very sweet, very polite, very fun, good kids. I couldn't be any prouder of either of them. So now it feels like we're going to find out if they are a fluke or if we're really good parents after all. Does that make sense? It's so strange, I feel so much pressure this time.

This is clearly all hormones, I'm sure come May I'll be fine. HA!

So there we have it. Penelope is on her way.

And yes, her name really will be Penelope.

Gender Prediction?

So tomorrow is the big 20 week ultrasound where, if the baby decides to spread eagle for us, we will hopefully be able to tell what gender teh baby is. A few people said they couldn't guess without seeing what I look like right now because that is apparently helpful. So here we are:

 Side view of 19 weeks.

 Front view of 19 weeks.

 This was when I was 18 weeks pregnant with Jackson.

And 18 weeks pregnant with Olivia.

With Olivia I felt like I had spread out more and with Jackson I had a perfectly round tummy. So who knows. As far as the heartbeat rate, I was always 170's with Olivia and 140's with Jackson. This time I have one rate in the 170's and one in the 140's, so that's not super helpful.

Neither pregnancy before this one you could tell I was pregnant from behind and you can't tell this time either, so again, not helpful. My gut reaction at our very first ultrasound was girl. I specifically had the "there's our daughter" thought go through my head and at the time I was taken aback that I had any kind of thought happening other than, "is there a heartbeat?". But then every once in awhile I find myself referring to it as a boy, so who knows. I'm not helpful. But it's OK because whatever we have it just going to be bonus considering we already have one of each. I'm just excited to buy baby clothes!

So what do YOU think it is? Of course I'll post tomorrow what we found out and the kids' reactions. They went to bed tonight very excited and Jackson has come down three times in the last hour to let me know he doesn't think he can sleep tonight, he's so excited. I'm also very excited and when I think back to my other two pregnancies, I wasn't as excited as I am about this gender reveal. Is that weird? I'm not sure, but it's kind of nice.

This weekend marked a LOT of movement and kicking, definitely getting stronger. According to my pregnancy phone apps, the baby is the size of a cantaloupe right now. I have also felt really run down and I think I'm fighting whatever plague is currently going around at the kids' school. I also have had a LOT of round ligament pain/stretching. Which is really strange because I never had that with the other two, not joking- never had it at all, not even with my first. This time though it's no joke and it's annoying. You'd think with how chunky I am this wouldn't be an issue, there should be plenty of cushion in there for this baby. Ha!

So let me know what you think I'm having in the comments section!

19! 19 weeks!

You guys, this feels weird. Mostly because next week? Next week means I'm halfway done incubating a tiny human. It's so weird. Again, it's always a mix of "how am I already here" and "holy shit, this is all the further I am?!?!

The really cool thing is that I have my ultrasound and hopefully we'll find out if we have a girl or boy. Olivia is hoping for a girl, Jackson is hoping for a boy. We did decide that we were going to pull them out of school for the appointment so they could see. Both are very interested in what an ultrasound is, how I get the pictures, and I'm pretty sure they'll be asking a ton of questions. They are eagerly counting down the days until the appointment and have already told their teachers they would like to share what they learned when they come back to class.

So that should be enlightening for their classes. Let's hope they keep it PG. Unlike when Jackson told his table a baby was going to come out of his mom's vagina. Which he learned from a friend in another class. Ahem.

But as far as predictions, my initial gut reaction the first time I saw our little bean was that it was a girl. A lot of people think I'm having a boy. When I compare it to previous pregnancies, this one seems to be pretty similar to Jackson. The baby doesn't move a whole lot, and I remember Olivia being highly activate literally all the time. I joked that she never slept and as it turned out, it was true because she barely sleeps even now. Jackson on the other hand, hardly moved. I kept having to go in for ultrasounds because I wasn't feeling the four movements an hour, ever. He'd kick once or twice and they'd send me home. They ended up inducing me on my due date because they were worried there was a reason he wasn't moving. As it turns out, he was just super lazy and slept a lot. Which is pretty similar to his personality now.

Then if we go by the heartbeat, the first one was 175 bpm, which the old wives' tale says girl. The second one was 146, and that says boy. So that's not a conclusive thing, either.

So I don't know. We'll see. What is YOUR guess?

As of pregnancy, it's not as rough anymore which is great. I am starting to sleep like crap again so that's not ideal. The last two nights I have had bouts of restless leg syndrome, which is easily the worst. I'd rather puke than have a constant feeling like I want to run a marathon for no reason. I am hoping this isn't a long term thing and that it doesn't get worse. I'm starting to feel larger. I still look like I'm just unfortunately fat and not pregnant, so hopefully things round out soon. But in the shower I'm noticing a difference in size. I can't bend over while standing anymore, squats are my friend. Last week I was absolutely starving all of the time and this week not so much.

So things are just moving along swimmingly. Which is reassuring and good. I feel like once I'll know what we're having, I'll go into full crazy mama mode. Have I mentioned we have names picked out? I'll share those next week!

I'm an auntie. First time EVER.

Way back in May when my brother told me that he was not only getting married this summer but that he'd be a daddy in November, I thought for SURE he was kidding. Not because I didn't want those things for him, but because he told me for years he didn't want kids at all. And Matt's sister doesn't want kids and his brother maybe does but hasn't met a good girl yet, so I had resigned myself to never having any nieces or nephews to spoil and love. 

But then Travis was getting married and having a baby. Well, Krystle was. I cried at their small wedding because he's my baby brother, you know? I was beyond ecstatic the entire time Krystle was pregnant and totally got to give them a baby shower. I bought tons of cute girl outfits and toys, and having her pregnant really helped me get through my miscarriage earlier this year. I figured at least one of us would have a baby, and if it isn't me, that's OK because I could still love this baby too. 

Then as it turned out, I got pregnant again, and I won't lie, I feel like I can't be super excited because I don't want to steal their thunder. They are first time parents and they should be getting showered with cute and adorable baby things, attention, and just tons of support and love. I never wanted to be that annoying sister and sister in law trying to outshine, and I just want to be 100% supportive. 

Because I get it. Being a first time parent is hard. It's not hard when you are surrounded by family who are helping you and making you feel like it's totally OK that your baby is crying because that's what babies do. They get all cute, then they cry. And that's my goal- I just want to be here without being overbearing. 

But dammit if I wasn't on the damn EDGE the day I knew Krystle was being induced. I think I only texted my brother three or four times. I almost did at least 50 but I thought no way- I would drive him crazy. But no joking, when he told my mom and I to come up to the hospital around 4:30 p.m., I got so excited and I was so thrilled and humbled he wanted us there. I totally wanted to be there but no way in hell was I going to ask. We drove there super quickly, we got semi-lost in the hospital and got there thinking it would be any minute and no. No, it wasn't any minute. 

In fact, Adriana wouldn't be born until 6:13 a.m. the next day. And you know what? That was OK. Because having had two kids of my own, I never got to see it from the other side of the bed. And it was a pretty amazing experience for me, especially when I tried to mentally take notes knowing I'd be doing this very same thing again in May. And dammit if Krystle wasn't a damn trooper, because she was. You never know how you'll be in labor until you're there and she did amazing. I can't even tell you how amazing. This girl pushed for five hours. She never gave up, she just did it. And Travis was literally the best coach. So while I'm watching life be brought into this world, and I'm so proud of her, and I'm tearing up because my brother is being an amazing dad already, I look to my mom and she's tearing up because I can't even imagine what's going through her head, and it was just amazing. I see Krystle's mom tearing up, and her dad is just being a great coach too, and honestly? I don't think a baby could possibly be brought into a room full of any more love. I really don't. And she was just the sweetest little thing. 

But shortly after she was born, mom and I left. We had all been up for well over 24 hours, we were all exhausted, but I figured I'd come back to snuggle Adriana the next day and let the new mom and dad get their wits about them. 

Me and my niece, Adriana, one day old. 

Can I just tell you that holding that baby for two hours made my uterus hurt? I had cramping, I felt movement, I think Baby Strand was jealous. I told Matt as we were leaving that if I wasn't already pregnant, I would have been the next day because if holding an adorable baby doesn't give you baby fever, you are dead inside. Plus, she clearly smiled at me. She clearly loves me. 

But they've been busy. Adriana is a week old now and I got to see her before Travis and Krystle went back home. I hope to see them before Christmas. Maybe I can sneak a weekend down there to get a baby fix and let them go on a lunch date or something. 

Visiting Auntie Sara

Matt took this picture. Can I just say she has a perfect baby butt? Totally fits in the palm of your hand. 

 She woke up as they were leaving, after she had been fed and changed (I got to change a diaper! It was kind of adorable.) so I had to get this picture of her eyes open. Such an adorable baby. After they left, Matt said he was worried I wouldn't hand her over, ha! But I did because Krystle is a natural mom and Travis is totally smitten with his little girl. I have no doubt they will do a great job. I can't wait to see her grow up and do great things.