Something in Between

I promise this is the last book review for the week, but I have a couple more almost ready to go for next week! If you are doing any early Christmas shopping for readers in your life, start taking notes because there are a bunch of great books coming out this fall that will make great gifts.

Something in Between - Melissa De La Cruz

Jasmine de los Santos has always done what's expected of her. Pretty and popular, she's studied hard, made her Filipino immigrant parents proud and is ready to reap the rewards in the form of a full college scholarship.  

And then everything shatters. A national scholar award invitation compels her parents to reveal the truth: their visas expired years ago. Her entire family is illegal. That means no scholarships, maybe no college at all and the very real threat of deportation. 

For the first time, Jasmine rebels, trying all those teen things she never had time for in the past. Even as she's trying to make sense of her new world, it's turned upside down by Royce Blakely, the charming son of a high-ranking congressman. Jasmine no longer has any idea where—or if—she fits into the American Dream. All she knows is that she's not giving up. Because when the rules you lived by no longer apply, the only thing to do is make up your own. 

I think if there is ever a group of authors that write about real life topics in a timely fashion, it's YA authors, hands down. Maybe they are just more apt at cranking out books at a faster pace, but it always seems like if there is an issue in the news, you can almost always find a relatively new YA book that touches on the subject and maybe gives high school kids a perspective of an issue that they could relate to. Which is why I'm recommending this one as a good book for any teenager for Christmas. The book itself is about Jasmine, being the all-American kid and I think every teenage girl will be able to relate to her, but the book also is about immigration and what lengths people will go to be here, and what the ramifications can be in the long run.

So we have Jasmine, she's a high school girl working her tail off to get a scholarship to a really stellar school. Her parents push her to excel but she pushes herself even more. She's the top of her class, she's the best in her extra-curricular activities, she's well liked and basically has it all going for her. Until she finds out that not only does her family's visas no longer exist, and they are basically illegals, she learns that deportation is a very real (and scary) thing and that her carefully planned out future is basically stopped dead in its tracks. But it's made all the more complicated because of Royce, who is the son of a Congressman who is actively trying to deport illegals. It's like a modern day Romeo & Juliet but instead of stabbings, we have people being sent back to Mexico. Their relationship is very PG and kind of cute, so the YA aspect of this plays in there.

I basically adored this book because I really liked Jasmine's character. It isn't very often that we have a strong, educated, determined and driven female as a lead in a YA book. Sure, we have strong females but they all seem to be challenging the system, not caring what others thought, "quirky", and not that those are bad things or that we shouldn't celebrate girls who ask questions, but sometimes it's really nice to celebrate the girls who don't, too. (Which makes me sound super anti-feminist, doesn't it? I should kind of old school, middle aged man right now.) Not every girl is going to change the world and it's nice to see a character who is trying to better herself and not necessarily worrying about everyone else around her. (Don't hurt me, feminists, I'm not a jerk, I swear!)

Something in Between comes out later this month, but you can pre-order it on Amazon right now. Honestly, it would be a good book for any teen and then ask them what they thing about people who lived here for so long, holding jobs, going to school, being good citizens and then potentially being sent back to a country that doesn't have the same opportunities as we do here. Their perspective might be eye opening, for sure. In the meantime, keep up with Melissa De La Cruz on Twitter and her website!

Triple Love Score

Can we just talk about how pretty this cover it? It's beautiful.

Triple Love Score - Brandi Megan Granett

A poetry professor stumbles into fame and fortune as an anonymous online Scrabble(r) poet. Miranda lives a quiet life among books and letters as a poetry professor in a small upstate town. When two snap decisions turn up the volume on her life, she must decide whether or not her best laid plans actually lead to where her heart wants to go.

I read the first half of this before I had Lucy, and the second half after I had Lucy... which was not a smart move because I had to go back and re-read the first half because I couldn't remember anything. Let's start with what I totally loved: very rich descriptions of the setting, great character development, and the Scrabble board poetry. (Here's a fun fact: despite being well read and loving everything about literature, I absolutely suck at Scrabble, and people are always surprised to learn that about me.) Fortunately, there isn't anything about this book I don't love which pleasantly surprised me because I've been in a reading rut so to speak. 

But we have Miranda, who is the Blocked Poet, with her Scrabble board poetry and she has the opportunity to make this her thing, make it work FOR her. Just as things are looking up, long lost love Scott comes back into her life, with a child in tow, no less. You really feel for Miranda because she really doesn't know who she is even though she's had all of this time alone to find herself, but I think she doesn't really know how to do that (Which can I get an amen? Do any of us know how to do that?!) so once we have Scott back in the picture, Miranda makes some... less than stellar choices. But can we talk about something in the book that I kind of loved? There is the little girl and she basically has a dead beat mom, which is why Scott is raising her. But there is that question, when a new woman comes into the picture, it's so hard to know what your role is. Are you new mom? Bonus mom? Replacement mom? Just dad's girlfriend, not in a mom role at all? I think so many couple struggle with that and we see that in this book but I think the way it's done is just really nice and realistic. That story line could have gone wonky but it's realistic and honest and I thought it was well done. 

Overall? I'm giving this book 4/5 stars. The story was great, the characters were well developed, and though Miranda drove me a little nuts at time, overall I liked her and the story as a whole. You can find a copy of Triple Love Score on Amazon. In the meantime, catch up with Brandi on her website and Twitter! If you have a friend or family member who loves a good contemporary romance, this would make a GREAT holiday gift. You could pair it with a travel Scrabble game or a cute Scrabble themed gift. Look at me, knocking gifts off your holiday shopping lists already. You're welcome, lambs. 

Fire Brand

It seems like I am on some reading rampage but that's not actually true. I'm just super behind in reviews, so you're going to get bombarded. You're welcome. I think.

Fire Brand - Diana Palmer

Gaby Cane was always a bit afraid of her attraction to Bowie McCayde. Even when she was fifteen and Bowie's family took her in, she had sensed his simmering resentment. Now ten years later, she's an aspiring journalist who can hold her own with any man professionally, the dark shadows of years gone by far behind her. Then Bowie strides back into her life—only this time, he needs her, and the pull of loyalty to his family is too strong to ignore.  

When Bowie asked Gaby to help save his family's Arizona ranch, he never expected the girl he once knew to return transformed into a stunning, successful woman. As they work together, Bowie is shocked to find that her innocence and beauty stir a hunger he can't deny. But the rogue rancher can sense something holding her back, and he's determined to uncover the terrible secret Gaby is fighting to keep hidden…

OK, I'm going to just say it: I am a Diana Palmer fan. I've read quite a few of her books and I really enjoy them and I get excited when I see she's got something new coming. But this one.. I don't know if it's because I read this while recovering from giving birth and almost dying, or if I just wasn't in the mood for a romance, but this book kind of got on my nerves. 

It could also be that these characters are totally not likeable. First off, Bowie is a total asshole to everyone, including his mother. I get that his mother maybe wasn't the most nurturing towards him but man ALIVE. Secondly, what the hell is wrong with his mother? You didn't get a daughter so you just treat your son like crap? Third, Gaby. Listen, I get that some authors aren't going to write the dirty romance novel with your self-assured heroine. I get it. But Gaby is like a bizarre purist, naive and just... she's weird, folks. I get the child hood trauma that we learn about in the second half of the book but come on. It's hard to get excited about a Gaby and Bowie relationship when he's an asshole and she's almost child like. It's creepy, actually. 

The book itself was originally written in 1989 so once I realized that, some of the writing made more sense because something written this way in 2016 just doesn't fit. What was interesting to me was that though the romance story is a little outdated and weird compared to modern, contemporary romance novels, some of the story line that Gaby's character is investigating fits in perfectly with 2016 when you think of fracking and what that can do ecology wise. So we have the Gaby and Bowie blossoming romance (or is it??) but we also have a developer trying to buy Bowie's land to basically develop it and he says not a chance in hell, but there's the promise of jobs to the area so naturally, people want Bowie to just sell already. It gets complicated because Gaby is set to inherit 51% of the land because Bowie is a jerk to his mom so now Gaby isn't sure if Bowie's romantic interest is genuine or not, and because she has the mentality of possibly a 12 year old when it comes to romance, she really struggles with this and that carries us to the end of the book. 

I have to give this book a 3/5 stars. If the characters weren't so hard to like, I'd give it 4 stars. This time this romance was just a little too cheesy for me, maybe I really need to read a filthy book to appreciate the subtle romance again? But then I think- there is a whole market out there of people who want a regular ol' Harlequin romance and they don't want sex toys and red rooms, and if that's you, you get this in your shopping cart right now because you will love it. 

You can get  your own copy of Fire Brand on Amazon now! You should also check out Diana's website because she has a whole lot of books you might want to splurge on, as well. I have really liked a lot of Diana's books so don't let this one scare you away! 

Who's That Girl?

Just a fun little tidbit about this book: I read this while holding a sleeping Lucy on my chest/in my arms.

And her last book, It's Not Me, It's You, was a book I was reviewing a month after I had Penelope.

And again, I read that with a baby on my chest. And a cat on my lap. Isn't that fun? Anyways.

Who's That Girl? - Mhairi McFarlane

When Edie is caught in a compromising position at her colleagues’ wedding, all the blame falls on her – turns out that personal popularity in the office is not that different from your schooldays. Shamed online and ostracised by everyone she knows, Edie’s forced to take an extended sabbatical – ghostwriting an autobiography for hot new acting talent, Elliot Owen. Easy, right?

Wrong. Banished back to her home town of Nottingham, Edie is not only dealing with a man who probably hasn’t heard the word ‘no’ in a decade, but also suffering an excruciating regression to her teenage years as she moves back in with her widowed father and judgy, layabout sister.

When the world is asking who you are, it’s hard not to question yourself. Who’s that girl? Edie is ready to find out. 

My number one complaint about the last book I read by this author was the length. At 535 pages, it's my complaint for this one as well- SO much of this book could have been snipped out to take down the length and make it so much better. Mhairi is a great writer, the story is good and entertaining but when you have 500 some pages it's so easy for someone to put this book down and say enough is enough. I think so many people are going to pass this book up because of the size and that's a shame because the story itself is fun and entertaining. 

The basics are we have Edie, who finds herself at the wedding of someone she works with, and she's had a weird, complicated, totally not good relationship with the groom. On the night of the wedding itself, the groom, in his total asshole-full-of-himself way kisses Edie and OF COURSE the bride sees, freaks the hell out, and Edie makes a run for her room because she's pretty sure she's going to barf. But cue the backlash- Edie is labeled as a homewrecker (and worse) through social media so she basically has to leave London because nobody is giving her the time of day. Her boss feels kind of bad for her so he gives her the lead on a chance to write the biography for a famous television star, which leads them to strike up an unlikely friendship. Not surprisingly, while Edie is basically tarred and feathered for being kissed, the groom is essentially given a pass, which is something that absolutely would happen in real life, so there's that to consider. But the larger talking point is the influence of social media in our lives, what's real online versus not online, and how something small that we post online can take on its own life so to speak. 

Overall? I'll give this one 3/5 stars. It's the length of the novel that gets me. If it was 200 pages shorter, I think I would have enjoyed it far more. Maybe the fact my elbow went numb while reading this is impacting my rating here, but more isn't always better. But I really liked Edie, and I felt bad for her. All of the awkwardness at the beginning of the book- we have ALL been there. And once all hell breaks loose you just want to defend her because she didn't deserve what ultimately happens to her. 

You can catch up with Mhairi McFarlane on her website and Twitter. You can get your own copy of Who's That Girl on Amazon now! 

Lucy: The most epic birth story I could ever tell.

It's taken me almost a month to get enough information to write this post. And some of it is still spotty. I should tell you that I remember none of it. I don't remember anything from that day, and the rest of the days I was in the hospital. I only remember a few spotty moments from the day I left the hospital. So, to the best of my recollection, and from what I was able to gather from others, this is the story of how my little Lucy Louise saved my life.

It started on August 1. Apparently I had gotten up early in the morning and had some bleeding. More than what would be bloody show. I had called Matt at work and he came home, and somewhere along the way he called my mom and his mom, who was going to watch the kids at our house for us.

Once at the hospital, the doctor wasn't sure if I was in labor, but my cervix was changing a bit and so they kept me and we were going to play it by ear, keep monitoring me. After a few hours, I was starting to get contractions and they thought maybe if I got an epidural, a little Pitocin, things would just keep progressing and we'd be having a baby before dinner.

Which was exciting because yay! I have always had relatively fast labor and deliveries, I've never had any issue, this body was meant to be birthing children- I'm practically a baby making machine.

So I got an epidural. I also got the BEST anesthesiologist ever, he was the same one I had with Penelope, and I was so glad to have him (Matt said this- that I was pretty excited to see this guy again) and he turned out to be a critical person in what would eventually happen.

But after some monitoring, Lucy wasn't head down anymore. She had been head down, ready to go, at every damn visit. She was ready to go when I got to the hospital. For some inexplicable reason, she decided to turn sideways. The doctor gave me some options: c-section right now or try to turn her.

I decided that I really didn't want a c-section and they felt like turning her might actually work and we'd just ultrasound to make sure. And once she was turned around, we could up the Pitocin to speed up labor ensuring she wouldn't have time to turn around.

So that's what we did.

I had a really fantastic doctor and an amazing team of nurses doing their damnedest.

They were able to get her turned around successfully. Unfortunately, that was just the start. Once the baby started coming down, my mom noticed that it wasn't the top of the head coming, it was Lucy's face. Now, there are times when you can deliver a face presenting baby, but the way Lucy's head was turned, she could have had a serious neck injury had I started pushing. That was when they decided this now became an emergency c-section situation so they unplugged everything as quickly as possible and I was put to sleep in order for them to get the baby out as quickly as possible.

And at 3:12 p.m., Lucy Louise was born via emergency c-section, swollen faced, adorable, and with dark hair.

Within seconds, the anesthesiologist (who is a rock star) noticed that my lungs were essentially failing, and that I was in the beginning stages of an Amniotic Fluid Embolism.

AFE is characterized by acute and rapid collapse of mother and/or baby as a result of an allergic-like reaction to amniotic fluid entering the maternal circulatory system. It is important to note that many laboring mothers have amniotic fluid or fetal debris enter into their circulatory system and do not suffer such a response. It is most generally defined as a two-phase response:

The first phase is characterized by rapid respiratory failure and cardiac arrest. It is noted most fatalities from AFE occur during the first phase.

The second phase is known as the hemorrhagic phase. The mother begins to bleed profusely at the wound site; typically at the site of placental attachment or cesarean incision. Disseminated intravascular coagulopathy (DIC) or consumptive coagulopathy develops, which prevent coagulation.

AFE is so rare, most medical professionals learn of it only in textbooks. The statistics around the incidence of AFE vary; recent research suggests that the estimated incidence of AFE is 2.5 in every 100,000 births or 1 in 40,000 deliveries in North America and 1 in 53,800 deliveries in Europe, respectively. There is currently no available data on incidence of AFE in other regions of the world. The true incidence of AFE is difficult to determine because the diagnosis of this syndrome remains one of exclusion, meaning that a diagnosis of AFE is made after all other reasonable explanations have been ruled out.

-afesupport.org

Thankfully, they had a banner team of doctors right there because the fact he saw that so quickly was key. They were able to give me the medication I needed and basically resuscitate me within minutes.

But then I started hemorrhaging. I had to have multiple blood transfusions and the doctor who delivered Lucy said things got really scary because they couldn't get my blood to clot at all. All of my systems were failing, and they made a quick decision to essentially clamp the blood flow going to my uterus and that eventually worked.

Once the hemorrhaging was controlled, and my vital systems were doing OK, I was then brought to the ICU.

So while I was busy dying and being revived, Matt got to meet Lucy. He wasn't able to come to the surgical room for the c-section because it was happening so fast there was no time to get him ready. My mom and Matt said it was almost an hour after I had been initially taken to surgery that they heard anything about me. They had no idea that just down the hall, I was in seriously critical condition and fighting for my life.

And my mom got to meet Lucy. She has been there for the birth of all of my children. She said seeing me in the ICU was horrifying and reminded her of when my uncle David passed away. Matt hasn't really talked about what it was like for him to see me in there. But thankfully, I had really great people working on me. 

And I had amazing friends who dropped everything to help with the kids, food, errands, coming to visit me, etc. They had Lucy come in and lay on my chest and I think it was supposed to obviously be beneficial to her but possibly for me as well. Maybe to subconsciously remind me this baby needs me?

I was on oxygen for about 24 hours and they took the tubes out to see how I would do and apparently my lungs did just fine. They had no idea what kind of side effects I'd have because AFE is so rare, they literally don't know much about it.

Among the survivors of AFE, most will experience long term or lifelong complications. These include but are not limited to mild to severe neurologic impairment, memory loss, temporary or permanent heart damage, organ failure, complete or partial hysterectomy and Sheehan’s syndrome. Infants may experience, mild to severe neurologic impairment, including hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy (oxygen deficiency to the brain) and cerebral palsy. Further research is needed to fully understand the potential long-term medical effects of AFE on both mothers and infants.

In addition to medical complications, most AFE survivors experience lasting emotional effects after this traumatic event. Feelings of confusion, isolation, anxiety, postpartum depression and post-traumatic stress are common. Seeking support and treatment for mental health issues is a very important aspect of the overall recovery process, and we recommend that women consult with their health care providers for mental health resources. 

-afesupport.org

The anesthesiologist who was the lead on my delivery asked if my particular experience could be used in research, so that's actually being submitted.

After a few days in ICU, I was brought to a regular room, and Matt said I was pretty out of it. My mom said that when I was awake it was clear things weren't right, I sounded like I was 12 again and I couldn't remember much. I could remember Olivia and Jackson, but not Penelope and not Lucy. Somehow in my delirium I decided we were going to name her Lucy, which is weird because the day before her birth I was pretty set on Eloise, so who knows. Clearly Lucy was what her name was meant to be?

Matt also said there would be times where I was totally lucid and then other times where I didn't make any sense. I had countless tests, MRI's, lab work, doctor visits, etc.  I'll tell you right now that if I saw you or spoke to you during all of this, I remember none of it.

I was able to go home like eight days after having Lucy. Which is insane because I was in absolutely no shape to be going home. I don't remember this picture, for instance. I look kind of out of it. I vaguely remember my mom staying overnight at the hospital with me. I remember eating meals at the hospital, I remember a nurse with blond hair walking me out of the hospital. I remember very small bits and pieces of the next two weeks at home. Even now, I feel like in the moment I'm doing OK, like I'm remembering things, but a few days later I can't recall what I did on a particular day. So if you asked me what I did on Monday? I can't tell you.

Earlier this week I met with the doctor who delivered Lucy just to hear what the hell happened. I'm really struggling with the mental health side of almost dying and I thought maybe if I heard the blow by blow account it would be a good springboard to recovery. As it turns out, it's a really surreal and bizarre experience to hear about your death and revival in a very clinical, matter of fact way. Thankfully the doctor was absolutely lovely and so supportive. She told me that if Lucy hadn't turned, if I had delivered vaginally on the delivery floor and I had the embolism, there is a 99% chance I would be totally dead. They wouldn't have had the resources they needed on the floor and they couldn't get me into surgery fast enough to stop me from bleeding out right then and there. Not just that, but the anesthesiologist who recognized what was happening to me? If he didn't remember the one chapter in one textbook about amniotic fluid embolism? I would have died. She said most doctors will go their entire career and never even hear about this, and it's true, every doctor who I've seen since all tell me how incredibly rare this is and how lucky I am. That someone, somewhere is watching out for me because there is no reason I should be here right now. I should be dead.

Which is a really alarming, horrifying, terrifying, and sobering thought.

So in the aftermath, we have our Go Fund Me account, which is basically how we're paying our bills right now. Matt has had to reduce his hours at work a LOT because while I can function well, and I'm not an invalid, I'm nowhere near ready to be alone at home with four kids. Not even just the younger two. And it's weird, I feel like I'm pretty OK, but then there are points in the day where I don't remember when I fed Lucy last, or I space out a bit. I hate not being able to be 100% independent, but I do know I need help right now. Anyways. So Matt's paychecks barely pay our mortgage so financially things are really stressful right now. I have only gotten bills for doctors who came after my ICU stay, the actual hospital bills haven't come yet and our insurance sucks, so I can hardly wait. Not to mention all of the medication I'm on? It's EXPENSIVE. I seriously get it when people say they debate medicine versus food. I get it, and it's awful. I'm with you, folks.

As for me, I have Sheehan's Syndrome, which is pretty common for AFE folks. I'm being referred to another hospital to get a second opinion on my neurological impairment and basically see if things are going to get better. One doctor seemed confident that my memory would just get better and better over time. Another doctor said she things I'm permanently impaired, that I'm always going to be kind of fuzzy. Both agreed that I won't ever remember the time I was in the hospital. I think that's the hardest part- I don't get to enjoy Lucy's birth, my last baby, like that experience was stolen from me. Needless to say, I have a lot of things to work through. I'm getting help soon though, so that's something. I'm still foggy. I'm trying to get out of the house more, though. There have been a few times where people have stopped me to say hi and it takes me a bit to register who they are, which is frustrating. I hope that gets better.

But that's the best I can give you. I wish I could give you super detailed information because that's more of my style, but this is the best I can do.

You know it's bad when strangers hug you.

Well this week was relatively "easy" considering I only had one doctor appointment to contend with. I think next week I have a visit with the endocrinologist to see how my pee medicine is working (more on that in a bit) but the most important visit (to me) is the one with the doctor who delivered Lucy. I basically want to know what the hell happened because I've gotten bits from my mom, different bits from Matt, and a really broad run down from my actual OB, but she encouraged me to make an appointment with the delivering doctor that day just to get the full story. So I did, and that's next week. Which is why I haven't written down Lucy's birth story, I'm kind of waiting for that appointment to make sure I get details correct.

But here's where I am now:

- I go to my OB again in November to have a full panel of labs run to see where my hormone levels are. She is 75% sure that I am basically a closed down baby bakery because of my pituitary gland being shot.

- Which explains why I haven't gotten a period yet. No bleeding at all, actually. Nothing. Nada. No cramps, no indicator that anything is coming, totally the weirdest thing. She said I most likely won't have a period again. I likely will need a cocktail of estrogen and progesterone or whatever to make sure I don't go into early menopause, considering I'm only 34. And even though my family health history makes that scary, she said she would rather me get cancer (I'm considered high risk for breast, uterine, cervical, and ovarian cancers) than heart disease (something I could get without the hormones) because we can treat cancer. Heart disease is kind of bad. So that's absolutely terrifying.

- Last week my endocrinologist gave me kind of bleak news letting me know that my pituitary gland is basically shot and what that means for me. After all of my labs from last week came back the final verdict is diabetes insipidus, secondary adrenal insufficiency, and low thyroid function. Basically I have Sheehan's Syndrome. It's a good thing I'm not a breast feeding mama because I'd be in bad shape right now since I have zero milk production. Perhaps the only bright spot in all of this is that I have had no milk come in and I have evaded the pain of milk drying up. So.. yay! But also along with this is that I don't think I'm growing hair on my legs or under my arms. Like, it's been a month and I haven't had to shave. Which is totally awesome, but what about my head? Is this it? Is what I have all I'm getting? Nobody seems to know.

- The neurologist I saw earlier in August to go over my MRI must have gotten the more advanced scan results because "after more looking" she wants me to see a specialist in traumatic brain injury (which is what I'm classified as because I technically died twice and the mass amount of blood I lost combined with loss of oxygen for two separate times... bad stuff happens when that happens) at the other hospital to do scans and look at my earlier scans. That's happening in November. Along with more scans at my hospital plus a series of "brain activity tests" to basically see how I'm functioning.

- My OB let me know I failed my post partum depression test and to continue with my anti-depressants, but if things don't get better in the next 2-3 weeks, I need to call and we'll start increasing my dosage. She also wants me to get into counseling for not just my depression but for PTSD. I exhibit a lot of the symptoms of that and she thinks I'm going to have a breakdown if I don't get some immediate treatment. So.. I guess I'll work on that. I can't afford it so who knows how that's going to work.

- The EOB's are starting to roll in. Now I'm getting really scared because we can't afford any of this. Not with Matt not working his usual schedule because I can't do the mornings on my own yet. Hell, I can barely do much on my own. Thankfully the big kids go back to school tomorrow but I won't lie, not having them to help me with Penelope? I'm worried. I hate relying on my mom and Matt's mom to basically babysit and help me take care of my kids. But between the depression, not feeling great physically, and my slew of medication that makes me feel run down and sluggish, I just can't do it. Some mornings I wake up by crying in the shower. I think Matt is concerned but he hasn't said anything. I don't know what I would even say back, to be honest. Certainly nothing that would be reassuring, that's for sure.

But what's been the strangest is when absolute strangers hug me and ask how I am. Doctor's offices, Walmart, the grocery store, the kids' school. I don't know what to say. If I say "good", they immediately feel relieved and assume I'm 100%. If I'm honest and say, "not good", they look like they don't know what to say or do and it's awkward for us all. But at this point, I can fake it for awhile but then it becomes obvious I'm not up to par and things aren't good. And sometimes I want to scream at people, "I DIED, FOLKS, TWO TIMES!" because it drives me nuts when people don't understand exactly what I went through. I mean, I can't even get mad because who the hell even has this happen to them? I do. I do, folks. I shouldn't even be surprised anymore yet here we are.

So have a good weekend, lambs. I'm going to try to be a mom, on my own, for a bunch of hours this weekend. I'm 100% terrified. I keep telling myself I just have to keep them alive. That's really all I have to do. Stay alive and keep them alive. Easy peasy, right?

The calm before the storm

I'm just now going through photos on my phone and trying to organize things and I realize, I have fun photos from before Lucy's birth that I never got to share with you!

So the day before I went into labor, we spent some time walking around Duluth being tourists and just hanging out together, figuring once the baby was here that quality time would be limited. And how right I was.

We went to a park, took in the pretty lake and looked at some cool stuff.

Penelope got to see flowers, her most favorite thing in the entire world. It was everything in her to not pick them and to not climb into the actual bushes.

Then we headed down to Canal Park because I figured we could have lunch down there and the kids could throw some rocks into the water.

Which Penelope absolutely LOVED. She could have thrown rocks all day but we bribed her with food to get her away from the water.

Not before her picture with dad while sitting on a big rock. She didn't totally get why the giant rock could not come home with us.

We even got a quick picture of us while I held Penelope's hand so she didn't run off towards Olivia and Jackson. Or seagulls.

Obligatory summer picture, sadly Penelope didn't want to cooperate.

We ended up having lunch at Grandma's Restaurant and it was great as usual. Penelope was quite the love bug. We had to head home afterwards because I was pretty tired and ended up taking a nap while Penelope did.

And I can't leave you without a belly shot, what would become the very last one of this pregnancy at 39 weeks. It's worth noting that after this photo was taken, right around dinner time, I have no actual memory of anything until the day I leave the hospital. I'll share Lucy's birth story this week, as best as I can piece together from what I've been told and texts that I apparently had before all hell broke loose. But it's weird to look at that picture and think- that was it. That was my last day pregnant ever.