Dead Serious: Breaking the Cycle of Teen Suicide (Book Blast)

Title: DEAD SERIOUS: BREAKING THE CYCLE OF TEEN SUICIDE
Author: Jane Mersky Leder
Publisher: Independent
Pages: 237
Genre: YA Self-Help

Thirty plus years after publishing the first edition of Dead Serious, this second completely revised and updated edition covers new ground: bullying, social media, LGBTQ teens, suicide prevention programs, and more. Scores of teens share their stories that are often filled with hurt, disappointment, shame--yet often hope. Written for teens, adults and educators, Dead Serious: Breaking the Cycle of Teen Suicide explores the current cultural and social landscape and how the pressure-filled lives of teens today can lead to anxiety, depression--suicide. Leder's own journey of discovery after her brother's suicide informs her goal of helping to prevent teen suicide by empowering teens who are suffering and teens who can serve as peer leaders and connectors to trusted adults. The skyrocketing number of teens who take their own lives makes Dead Serious: Breaking the Cycle of Teen Suicide more relevant and important than ever.

"Talking about suicide does not make matters worse. What makes matters worse is not talking."

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CHAPTER ONE

WHEN IT’S SOMEONE YOU

Like a comet

Blazing ‘cross the evening sky

Gone too soon

Like a rainbow

Fading in the twinkling of an eye

Gone too soon

Shiny and sparkly

And splendidly bright

Here one day

Gone one night

Like the loss of sunlight

On a cloudy afternoon

Gone too soon

Like a castle

Built upon a sandy beach

Gone too soon

Like a perfect flower

That is just beyond your reach

Gone too soon

Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight

Here one day

Gone one night

Like a sunset

Dying with the rising of the moon

Gone too soon

Gone too soon

“Gone Too Soon” – Michael Jackson

Kevin’s Story

Kevin’s history book was open and sitting upright on his desk.

He couldn’t concentrate, not after last night’s scene. He wondered

whether Brad had gone straight home or walked the streets brooding

over Olivia and her new boyfriend. Never mind. He and Brad

were going to have a great summer. Camp out on weekends. Work

at the grocery down the street during the week and make some big

bucks. Maybe take a trip to the Rockies at the end of the summer.

Brad would forget all about Olivia.

He closed his eyes. Thinking about his summer plans with Brad

made him even more anxious for the school day to end.

When Kevin opened his eyes, he saw his counselor, Ms. Davies,

standing over him.

“I need to talk to you,” she said quietly.

What had he done now? He picked up his books and followed

Ms. Davies into the hall.

“Something terrible has happened to Brad,” she said. “His

mother found him in his car in the family garage last night.”        

So, that’s where he went.

Ms. Davies took a deep breath. “Brad is dead. He took his

own life.”

“He’s not dead. We’re playing cards tonight.”

“There’s a detective in Mrs. Lyons’s office waiting to talk to you.

He wants to ask you some questions.”

…

Kevin slammed the car into reverse and screeched down the

driveway. He and his parents had been arguing all morning. His

mother was worried sick that he’d “drive off a cliff.” His dad had

ordered him not to drive to the funeral alone. They were upset.

He didn’t care.

Why hadn’t Brad talked about it? Kevin would have listened.

They told each other everything. Now he wasn’t so sure. Maybe

Brad hadn’t wanted his help. Maybe he hadn’t wanted anyone to

change his mind. Kevin swiped at the tears running down his

cheeks. He wasn’t going to get all choked up. Not again. Brad

hadn’t talked to him, so why should he care?

…

The funeral was supposed to be small, but there were hundreds

of people, people Kevin had never seen before. He hated all the

strangers. Brad would have hated them too. He was the shy, quiet

type who loved being by himself, taking things apart and putting

them back together. Why couldn’t he have gotten his life right?

Kevin walked closer to the casket. He could see Brad’s mom

surrounded by a ring of people. She looked so tiny. Kevin had

always thought of her as much taller. He remembered the night

Brad had come home drunk. Mrs. Brogan had told Brad what a

fool he was. If he wanted to be a fool, she’d said, he could be one on

his own time. But he had better not be a fool in front of her again

or she’d knock him around the block and back. Mrs. Brogan had

seemed very tall that night.

Kevin wanted to talk to her. He wanted to tell her how sorry

he was and how, even though Brad never touched a cigarette in

front of her, he chain-smoked when he played cards with the guys.

If only he could reach out and hug her and make everything like

it had been. But he could barely remember the last time he had

hugged his own mother.

The knot in his stomach tightened. Brad had had a few problems.

Who didn’t? Olivia, his first girlfriend, had started dating

someone else. And he hadn’t been able to decide what to do after

high school. Being a cook in Miami sounded cool. “Asshole idea,”

his dad had said.

When people started out to the parking lot, Kevin sat up,

adjusted his tie, and nodded at the other three pallbearers standing

near the casket. He had never understood funerals. His mother

had told him that they make a permanent picture in your head that

the dead person is gone. He didn’t need a funeral to do that.

…

Why had Brad taken his own life? Someone was responsible.

Not Mrs. Brogan. She had always been there when Brad needed

her. And sometimes when he didn’t. He remembered the time,

years before, when she’d marched Brad back to the grocery store

and made him admit to the checker that he’d lied when he said the eleven pop bottles were his. What he had done was dishonest, and Mrs. Brogan had wanted her son to accept the consequences. At the time, Brad had hated his mom for being so principled. Later on, he realized she’d done the right thing.

Kevin tried not to blame Mr. Brogan, but it wasn’t easy. Brad’s

father worked, slept, and drank beer. That was it. When Brad had

been younger, his dad had come to watch him play football. But

when Brad had quit the team, his dad had been angry. “You’re just

like me, only worse,” he’d said. Brad wasn’t anything like his dad.

When his dad got angry, everyone paid. When Brad got angry, he

got quiet and withdrawn. He was the only one who paid.

…

Kevin’s best friend was dead, and there was no reason. If he’d died

from a disease or an accident . . . But he had taken his own life.

What could have been so bad? It made no sense.

If only he had known Brad was so unhappy. If only he had seen

the signs. But what signs?

Kevin remembered the night back in seventh grade after the

roller-skating party. Brad and another friend, Dave, had decided

to walk home instead of riding the bus. They didn’t have far to go.

Besides, maybe they’d stop at McDonald’s for something to eat.

As the boys approached the restaurant, Brad challenged Dave to a

race. Brad took off across Madison Street with Dave on his heels.

They talked about the accident only a couple of times. Brad

told Kevin the car swerved to miss him but hit Dave instead. There

was nothing the paramedics could do; Dave was dead on arrival at

Good Shepherd Hospital.

Brad hadn’t been the same after that. He had seemed to crawl

into a shell. He got headaches that made him vomit, and his skin

turned white. He got pimples all over his face. Kevin figured Brad

had to work it out on his own; he didn’t know what else to do.

If only he had done something then, maybe Brad would be alive

now. If he had made him talk about it. But Brad had said he didn’t

want to talk, and Kevin hadn’t pushed. Anyway, Brad couldn’t have

taken his own life because of an accident so many years ago. He

had to have forgotten all about it.

A sharp guy like Brad doesn’t kill himself for no good reason.

That would be crazy. Brad might have been confused, but he wasn’t

crazy. Maybe his dad had finally gotten to him. Mr. Brogan was a

cop who worked the shift from three in the afternoon to eleven at

night. And on weekends, Mr. Brogan sat in front of the TV, drinking

beer and doing crossword puzzles. If he drank too much, and

he often did, he’d either fall asleep or leave the house without telling

anyone where he was going.

One night, the phone rang late, and it was someone from the

hospital telling Mrs. Brogan that her husband had been in an accident

and that she better come right away. Brad told Kevin one side

of his dad’s face looked like it had been mashed in a blender. He

was cut up so badly he stayed in the hospital for almost a week.

“That’s not good enough,” Kevin screamed. “You couldn’t have

killed yourself because of your old man. You could have moved out,

gotten your own place with some other guys. You go off and kill

yourself without letting me know, without letting me help. Okay.

So you wanted to keep it to yourself. Fine. Keep it all to yourself. I

don’t care. Just don’t expect me to waste my tears over you.” Tears

streamed down his face.

Maybe this was all Olivia’s fault. She and Brad broke up every

other week. They broke up, then got back together. Again and

again. They went steady off and on for two and a half years.

Brad and Olivia would be going separate ways after graduation.

So why not get it over with? Brad didn’t care. At least that’s what

he said.

During a card game with Kevin and some other guys, Brad had

talked about his future. “You’re lucky,” he’d said to Kevin. “You know what you want to do. You’ve got your art. You want to be an artist. I’ve got nothing.”

Kevin had felt uncomfortable. He’d known Brad was having a

hard time. “You’ll get it together,” he had said.

…

Brad had made one more attempt to win Olivia back. When that

had gone south, Brad had stormed off. He’d insisted on walking

home. “Just go. Take my car and go.”

“I can’t take your car,” Kevin said.

“Take it.” He shoved the keys in Kevin’s hand.

“Come on, this is nuts.” Kevin tried to give the keys back. But

Brad had already turned around and begun walking away.

Frustrated, Kevin got into the car, turned the key, and then

slowly backed down the driveway. Okay, he thought, I’ll cruise

around the block a few times and stall for time. Brad needs to cool

off. After wasting several minutes, he drove by Brad walking slowly

toward home.

“Hey, jump in. You’re crazy to walk. Besides, this is your car.”

“I want to walk. Just park the car in the driveway and leave the

keys in the mailbox.”

No use arguing. When Brad made up his mind to do something,

he did it. No point in trying to stop him.

…

A month after Brad took his own life, Kevin halfheartedly agreed

to play poker with some of the guys. He had to get out of the house.

Kevin waited anxiously to see Brad again. He had so much to tell

him. He was going to art school in the fall. The high school baseball

team had taken the league championship. Olivia and her boyfriend

had broken up.

Brad never reappeared. But Kevin thought about him a lot.

Some days he thought he understood why Brad had killed himself;

other days he had no idea. He could never remember how

long it had been since Brad had died. Sometimes it seemed like

years, sometimes only a few days.

Time was meaningless to Brad’s mom too. She and Kevin

talked a lot. Every time he saw her, she cried. Not right away. She

pretended she was fine at the beginning. Then she’d ask Kevin if

he remembered a certain incident, such as the time she’d marched

Brad to the grocery store to return the bottle money. And then

she’d cry. At first, Kevin felt funny talking about Brad. He thought

the less he talked, the sooner the pain would end. But it was just

the opposite. Talking made him feel better. Sometimes it made

him laugh. More often, it made him cry. The letting go felt good.

But the searching for answers never stopped.

Now, the knot in Kevin’s stomach often loosens. His younger

brother tells a dumb joke about the chicken crossing the road and

he laughs. The wounds are starting to heal. And sometimes things

are almost as they were. He forgets all about Brad. The pain is

gone. Then, like a ghost, it reappears. When he’s playing baseball

on a hot summer afternoon, or when he opens a bedroom dresser

drawer and finds an old shirt he once loaned to Brad. How could

he ever forget?

Reactions to Suicide

It’s been many years since I interviewed Kevin (not his real name)

about the suicide death of his best friend. In many ways, his reactions

to Brad’s death mirrored my own and those of the majority

of others who have lost a friend or family member to suicide: the

denial, the blame, the guilt, the anger, grief, search for answers,

and the healing that never goes in a straight line.

Take a look at the following quotes and decide which reactions

to suicide they each represent.

one:     “He’s not dead. We’re playing cards tonight.”

two:

“ There must have been a reason Brad killed himself.

Someone was responsible.”

three:

“ If only he had done something then, maybe Brad would be

alive now. If he had made him talk about it. But Brad had said

he didn’t want to talk, and Kevin hadn’t pushed.”

four:

“ You go off and kill yourself without letting me know, without

letting me help. Okay. So you wanted to keep it to yourself.

Fine. Keep it all to yourself. I don’t care. Just don’t expect me

to waste my tears over you. tears streamed down his face.”

five:

“ He wasn’t going to get all choked up. Not again. Brad hadn’t

talked to him, so why should he care?”

six:

“But the searching for answers never stopped.”

seven:

“ The wounds are starting to heal. And sometimes things are

almost as they were. He forgets all about Brad. The pain is

gone. then, like a ghost, it reappears.”

one: Denial

When Kevin was first told that Brad had taken his life, he refused

to believe it. The truth was too hard to bear. How could his friend

do something like that? It didn’t make sense. And it was easier to deny

that his best friend wouldn’t be at the card game that night, or any other night, than to accept that his friend was dead.

Denial is a short-term defense mechanism against death—

death by suicide or by any other means. “I can’t believe that this

has happened, that he won’t be around anymore.”

two: Blame

Kevin did his best to find someone to blame for Brad’s death:

Maybe it was Mr. Brogan, Brad’s father. He hadn’t been the most

supportive of dads. Or maybe it was the friend who was hit by a car

in front of Brad and later died. Then there was Olivia, who broke

up with Brad and broke his heart. Or maybe it was Brad himself;

he didn’t have a clue what he wanted to do after graduation.

Truth is there is never one reason why someone takes his/her

own life. And never just one person to blame.

three: Guilt

Friends of those who have taken their own lives, such as Kevin, feel

they could have prevented the suicide if only they had known how

unhappy their friend was. In some cases, they did know their friend

was suicidal but didn’t tell anyone, probably because they were

sworn to secrecy. Secrecy is never an option. If you sense or know

that a friend is severely depressed, find a trusted adult who can

help your friend get the professional help needed. Better to break

a friend’s confidence than to lose him forever.

four: anger

Anger is part of the grieving process. We usually get angry when

feeling hopeless, helpless. You get angry at the friend who took his

life. Angry at the fact that he didn’t bother to talk to you about his

problems, that he didn’t even say good-bye. Angry at yourself for

not seeing the writing on the wall. While anger is a natural reaction

to suicide (to any painful loss), it eases over time. Most often,

the anger morphs into sadness and forgiveness.

five: Grief

Everyone reacts differently to suicide. Some people scream and

cry. Others, like Kevin, try not to get emotional but waver back

and forth. But sooner or later, they’re forced to accept the truth: a

friend is dead, and the death was not a mistake.

There are no right or wrong ways to grieve. You can take all the

time you need, even when people say things like, “Well, you’ve got

your life back on track, right?” or something more direct: “It’s time

to stop feeling sorry for yourself.” Life is not a TV show in which

characters “get over it” in thirty minutes to an hour. It takes time to

grieve. For many, the pain never goes away; it becomes a dull ache.

six: Search for Answers

For Kevin and everyone who has lost someone to suicide, the

search for answers can be confounding. If someone dies in an auto

accident, there is a cause, a reason. If someone dies from a disease

like cancer, there is a reason. If someone dies of old age, the death

is understandable. But suicide? There are only guesses as to why.

Some survivors, like me, find comfort in talking to everyone

who knew the person who took his life in an attempt to find clues

or, in some cases, to find support. The act of doing something can

be helpful. I wrote a book. Now I’m writing a second one. I’ve

learned a lot about my brother and about the way other people

remembered him. But after all these years, I still have many questions

that will never be answered.

But I’m still certain that my brother visited me after he died. I

know I wasn’t crazy when, a few days after my brother’s funeral, he

appeared in my bedroom in the middle of the night. I sat up and

turned on the light, and there he was—dressed not in some white,

angel-like getup but in a pair of faded jeans and a work shirt. I was

terrified and had no idea what to do or say. For three nights, my

brother showed up after dark. On the third night, I managed to

tell him how much I loved and missed him but that I understood

he’d made a decision to move on to whatever was next. He nodded,

turned, and walked through my closet.

I’ve retold this story many times. And more often than not,

people look at me like I’m crazy. They think I’ve gone off the deep

end with grief. But I know what I saw was real. I know that my

brother needed my permission to leave this earth plane and that,

as his older, beloved sister, he’d come to me to cut the cord.

seven: Healing Never Goes in a Straight Line

There are days—even weeks or more—when the grieving stops.

Your life goes on. Then you hear a song or see an old friend or

attend a family event, and the pain returns. Usually, the grief

doesn’t last as long as it used to. The truth is: it never goes away

forever but leaves a dull ache that comes and goes.

Strategies:

Resources

If you know someone who has died by suicide and feel that you

need help or information, contact any of the following people or

organizations near you:

• Local support group – You can use support group directories

from, among others, the American Foundation for Suicide

Prevention (Afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/find-asupport-

group) and Suicide.org (Suicide.org/suicide-supportgroups.

html).

• School counselor or teacher whom you trust

• Private counselors – Ask your school counselor or doctor for

recommendations.

Jane Mersky Leder was born in Detroit, Michigan. The "Motor City" and original home of Motown have driven her writing from the start. A "Baby Boomer" who came of age in the Sixties, Leder is fascinated by the complexities of relationships between generations, between genders, and between our personal and public personas.

Dead Serious, a book about teen suicide, was named a YASD Best Book for Young Adults. 

The second edition of Dead Serious (with a new subtitle): Breaking the Cycle of Teen Suicide, will be published on January 23, 2018, and will be available as both an ebook and paperback on major online book sites, at libraries, and at select bookstores.

The Sibling Connection: How Siblings Shape Our Lives, and Thanks For The Memories: Love, Sex, and World War II are among Leder’s other books.

Leder’s feature articles have appeared in numerous publications, including American Heritage, Psychology Today, and Woman’s Day.

She currently spends her time in Evanston, Illinois, and San Miguel de Allende, Mexico.

WEBSITE & SOCIAL LINKS:

WEBSITE | TWITTER | FACEBOOK

 

Cocky Chef

I don't want to brag, but this book puts me SEVEN books ahead of schedule in my Goodreads challenge this year. I'm on fire, baby!

Cocky Chef - J.D. Hawkins

You can call me arrogant as much as you want. But when you're the best at what you do and have the hottest restaurant on the west coast, with enough Michelin stars to make Gordon Ramsay's head spin, you've earned the right to your confidence.

When I give an instruction in the kitchen, it's not a suggestion--it's an order. So when a new chef thinks she can do things her way, and dares to say so to my face, even her sharp wit and gorgeous pouty lips don't make it okay. 

But I have to admit, she's got talent. She's creative in the kitchen and not even that double-breasted chef jacket can hide her perfect body. As I get to know her, I can't help wanting to know everything she thinks. I've never met a more talented chef. And I've never met a sassier and sexier woman in my life.

There's only one way this push and pull can end.

With her in my bed, begging for more. 

I bought this one on a whim because it was in my suggested books on Amazon, and I've never read this author before so everything about this was unpredictable. I'm going to start off and say I'm giving this one... 3 stars. It's not quite a 4 for me because it was kind of slow, surprising considering it's only 200some pages, it's not that long at all, but it took me awhile to get through it, it wasn't something I couldn't put down. I put it down.... a lot.

In this book we have Cole, a hot chef who knows what he wants and keeps a high expectation of himself at all times. We have Willow (Seriously? Was this the name of 2017?? I have read SO MANY books with Willow as the main character in 2017, it's unreal!), fresh to Los Angeles for a new start on her way to owning her own restaurant. She's a little gun shy since her last one was a bit of a failure, but she's getting her legs under her again by working at Knife, the restaurant of TV personality Cole Chambers.

After a particularly humiliating meeting, they soon become a hot item after a rendezvous in the back office after a shared burger, but it doesn't take long before Willow's dreams stand in the way of their relationship. Can she have her dream and the guy? Can Cole withstand someone else's dream surpassing his own? You'll have to find out on your own.

Overall? It was alright. Once I heard Cole's story on how Knife came to be, I knew exactly how the story was going to end and how we got there. Very predictable, and the sex scenes aren't enough to make up for it. It feels like a rushed book following the same cookie cutter formula of other romance novels with a chef. In fact, I've read two others very similar to this recently so I should have known better.

   

Perfectly Imperfect

I have to start this week with a book review because I am so mentally fried from last week still, it's hard to get my brain beyond anything easy... like a review. BUT! This was a good one so it makes it fun, too.

Perfectly Imperfect - Harper Sloan

Mirror, mirror … who’s the fairest of them all?

I still cringe when I hear that line. A fairy tale that had girls pretending they were the fairest, the most beautiful, and the most entitled. A fairy tale most couldn’t grow out of turned my haunted childhood memories into a living nightmare. Girls who grew up believing that pile of garbage became the meanest of all ‘mean girls.’

And those mean girls were right – it was a line meant for all the beautiful people in the world – and I knew the answer would never be me.

The women with long legs, flat stomachs, and perfect chests.

The type of women Kane Masters gravitated toward.

Well, that’s definitely not Willow Tate.

No. That will never be me.

Because I’m completely imperfect.

And … I hate myself.

I have no idea what Kane could possibly see in someone like me when he could have them.

I'm not ashamed to say I'm forming a small collection of Harper Sloan books on my shelf, she's a great author and I'm really enjoying her work. This one came in one of my Bookworm Box subscription boxes a really long time ago, and it's signed! It's pretty and I don't know why I'm just now getting to it but I'm working through backlist books for a challenge so now is as good a time as any to read these gorgeous books I've let accumulate.

If you have body image issues, you are going to really enjoy this book. We have Willow, who starts off our book with a humiliating experience, in front of a celebrity no less, Kane Masters. She's not happy with herself at all, is getting divorced, her stepfather hates her, her half sister hates her even more and is sleeping with the husband she's divorcing, and basically her life is spiraling out of control. As she's trying to reign it in, she develops unhealthy habits to fit this mold she believes she needs to be in, instead of learning to love what she has already. Some girls are just meant to be curvy. Where she sees her faults, Kane Masters sees her uniqueness. He happens to want her and all of her curves just the way they are. After a rather eventful departure from her job she finds herself offered a job by Kane and she reluctantly takes it. When Kane makes it bluntly obvious he's interested in more than her employment skills, Willow needs to decide if this is the adventure she needs to turn her life around.

I actually found Willow endearing even though she was a BIT much sometimes in the negative self talk. I loved Kane as well, but some of their dialogue is a bit far fetched, nobody speaks like that in real life, so parts of the book got a little eye roll worthy. BUT! I found myself laughing more than rolling my eyes, a good thing when a book comes in at just under 400 pages. One passage I choked on my ice cream was on page 182:

"After the shocking revelation that drunk Willow is like a hooker in heat, I've been avoiding Kane at all costs."

A hooker in heat, you guys! HAHAHAHAHA. A lot of the things Willow as narrator would say are things I totally say which maybe increased her coolness from me because obviously, I'm pretty cool. Overall I'm giving this one 4 stars because I did enjoy it and I found myself searching for another book by Harper Sloan. I have two more in her Corps Security series but that's it! I need more!!

   

Scrappy Saturday: started Lucy's baby book!

One of the challenges I've talked about with memory loss has been my inability to remember Lucy's first year let alone her milestones. 

I decided I can only do what I can do so I'm going to rely on other people to help me remember and thankfully, my blog. I know I've mentioned it before about how beneficial this blog has been to me for a lot of reasons, I've made some terrific life long friends and I have a running log of what I was doing and feeling. Honestly, if I didn't have this blog I don't know how I would function. Silly as that may be. 

 Anyways, I started Lucy's baby book and so far, I'm only a few pages in but it's been fairly emotional to look at all of these pictures again. I don't do it often because I get sad because I want so badly to remember how soft she probably was or how she smelled. Did she have fuzz on her head? Was that soft, too? I don't know. 

 It's also strange to see how happy I was. Sure, I was in clear agony for the epidural but I always know that bit of pain is worth what you get. I see my face, smiling, and I wish I remembered how I really felt. Was I really that happy? Was I scared? Did I have a gut feeling about what was to come? I don't know. 

 It's bittersweet to see the kids meeting Lucy for the first time, I didn't get to see it. Or my grandparents? My grandma is currently dying and it breaks my heart that she only got to see Lucy twice. She mailed me her Jello molds for Jigglers, something she was known for- she always had them for the kids when she came, so I hope to tell Penelope and Lucy all about her over Jigglers someday. 

I always save the birth announcement (somehow I think I still got them in mail after all this?!), the hospital bassinet card and name tag, my weekly pregnancy check up book from the doctor, and all of the birth certificate information (not the official one, but the hospital provided one) and various papers we got from the hospital. I matched that up with the photos of the day I woke up. Seemed fitting. 

It's pretty tough doing this book but it might be therapy, too. I don't know. 

PageHabit: My new obsession

You guys. I know I am a book subscription box junkie but I'm telling you, this one is GREAT! I would not recommend it to you if I wasn't 100% in love with what I got, and I absolutely was. 

Alright, so the cool thing about PageHabit is that you pick your genre, and they have quite a few to choose from: Literary Fiction, Mystery, Fantasy, Young Adult Fiction, Romance, Horror, Historical Fiction, and Science Fiction - those are the MONTHLY boxes. If you are looking only to do something quarterly, you aren't a big reader, you can choose from Literary Fiction, Young Adult Fiction or cookbook!! 

For my first month (because you can change your genre) I chose Romance but also added the option of including the Young Adult Fiction book. 

Because yes, if you can't make a decision like an adult, PageHabit has you, boo. You can add on the book from other genres, hell you can probably add all of them if you wanted. It's about the same cost as if you bought the book in the store, so it's still a fun deal. 

You also get some bookish goodies but the COOLEST???

The coolest part about the box is your book comes tabbed, tons and tons of annotations by the author. You also get a letter about the book from the author, and I got a signed bookplate. I only got the letter and book plate for the book in my designated genre, my add on book came with annotations but no letter. 

 Here are a couple examples of the annotations inside of my romance book, Starlight Nights by Stacey Kade. 

Doesn't it sound so good?? 

The other book I got was Reign of the Fallen by Sarah Glenn Marsh and that looks good, too. 

Are you interested in trying out a box? You can always cancel if it isn't your cup of tea, but so far all of the books picked for every genre were solid choices so nobody was disappointed, I'm sure. If you want to try PageHabit, use my referral code and I get a $10 credit! This really is the way to go if you just aren't sure what kind of box you want and given I've tried many, I really loved this one so far. 

Navy SEAL Promise

If you are a fan of Harlequin's standard recipe of romance, this is your book. You're welcome.

Navy SEAL Promise (Fairhope, Alabama #5) - Amber Leigh Williams 

He made a promise he intends to keep 

Harmony Savitt is off-limits for navy SEAL Kyle Bracken. Not only is she his best friend's little sister, she's also a single mother and the widow of a fellow SEAL killed in action. This soldier needs to keep his distance. But something between them has changed...Despite the new complicated feelings he has for Harmony, when his family comes under attack, there's no one Kyle trusts more than her to help him get answers. When that threat extends to her and her daughter, though, he vows to protect them...even if it means putting his own heart on the line.

It's worth mentioning that though this is book five in a series, you do not need to read the previous books to get up to speed. I have a feeling book six is going to feature Harmony's brother Gavin, but that's just me. This book is Harmony and Kyle's story, childhood friends who turn into more after a series of life's kicks in the rear.

Harmony is a single mom to Gracie Bea after the premature death of her husband Benji, stationed overseas as a Navy SEAL and gravely injured in the line of duty. It's been several years and Harmony has done a good job at building a life for her and Bea, excelling at her career, but she hasn't pursued love because nobody can hold a candle to Benji.

Except Kyle Bracken.

Kyle is her life long childhood friend. Their lives have been intertwined since she was born, but he has never been an option.. until now. Kyle is on leave and when he comes home he discovers that Harmony isn't a child anymore. Though he's been with her all along the way, watched the birth of her child into this world, delivered the news that her husband wasn't coming home, and everything in between, this time home is different. Before they can dive into the possibilities, someone is out to destroy his father's livelihood, and reputation, but also Harmony's. A few close calls leave Kyle to take dramatic measures to protect his family.

OK. So overall I'm giving this one 3/5 stars. The romance is your standard Harlequin fare so if you are a fan of that, you're in for a treat. It's a romance but it's not over the top, the steamy level is maybe a two, so if you are looking for a reason to replace your AA batteries in your BOB, this won't be it. The plot is mediocre, it wasn't the ending I was hoping for and it isn't enough to call it suspense, but it did drag out for a little too long. I much rather would have had more Kyle and Harmony versus the drama that felt like it didn't quite belong.

   

Medical Update: hoopty lungs and Abilify

It's been kind of a while since I've updated you on things happening in my body, which I know is always thrilling. It's nothing crazy, but it's worth talking about.

• A few weeks ago I participated in a Pulmonary Function Test, PFT, and that basically tests how well my lungs function. You sit in a weird tube and blow into a tube like a breathalyzer and then repeat the tests after you've had a broncodialator to see if your lungs work any better with some medical help. Turns out, mine work 85% better with said medical help so that likelihood that I am going to need a daily inhaler is almost guaranteed. I see my Pulmonologist (the same guy who helped me get a CPAP machine, he's super nice) next week to talk about my options. Of course, being classified as obese doesn't help, but I have enough obstruction or whatever they called it, that I need to see someone. And here I thought my wheezing was just a sign I'm fat but nope, turns out I'm busted. But that gem of a test only costs $924.64 so that's exciting.. I'm on my way to hitting my deductible! HA! 
• I continue with my Psychiatrist and he's pretty cool. We joked about dead cats this visit so there's that. I was put on Abilify as my "buddy" to Wellbutrin, which is kind of helping. I think the only signs of improvement aren't that I'm not exhausted, but that I have the inclination to do stuff despite being exhausted. Examples like, cleaning my dresser, scrapbooking, exercising, that kind of thing is how I know that it's doing something for me. Since Straterra and NuVigil haven't worked in helping me feel more alert, I am going to try ProVigil, which is a little different and has different dosing capabilities. Is it something I'm going to take every day? Absolutely not, I can't afford that. 
• Next week I continue with therapy, that's getting expensive. I hope I hit my deductible soon because I'm having a hard time coughing up $100 cash each visit. Honestly, I don't know if I have that for Monday because Matt gets paid Wednesday and my reserves are gone from prescriptions and deductibles for everything else. 
• Financially, I'm only a year and a half into the medical nightmare and we are drowning. I don't know how people do this forever because I don't know how we are going to manage, to be honest. We did our taxes and yikes... we aren't getting back what we had hoped because of my disability lump sum payment so while that was nice to pay debts off, we still have a lot more and yeah... that sucks. Something is always better than nothing, though so I'm trying to be positive. 
• Also next week I have a meeting with my primary care doctor and my occupational therapist, and I'm supposed to bring my "support team" with me, so Matt and my mom, I guess? I need to make sure someone can watch the terrors while we're doing that. I don't understand fully what that's for but I hope it's not a "you should lock her up" meeting. Or maybe I do hope for that, I'm not sure anymore. 
• I went to a string art party and my medication helped me to not have a panic attack with all of the people and not flip out from the noise of 20 people hammering nails all at once. I was sure I was going to go over the edge, but I didn't, and I was really proud of myself. Matt was pretty impressed and asked me as soon as he got home how it went. 

Overall? I'm depressed. I'm getting better at faking it around people now and that helps. But when it's just Matt and I, and the kids, I can't hold up the happy anymore. It's exhausting all on its own. I'm trying really hard to exercise, to get out and socialize, to be on top of my medication, all of it and it seems pointless.