Friday, January 10, 2014

Who would hide your sex toys?

I don't know what page it was on yesterday, but that was the sentence that jumped out at me. And it could have been in the context of a lot of things, but for me- I took it as if hypothetically I were to die today, who would  hide my sex toys? Maybe sex toys can be used as a metaphor for just your clothes and other random vanilla things if you're too prudish to admit to having an entire drawer full.

And maybe a second box.

And that third box you hide in your closet to rotate through things.

Hypothetically, of course.

It wasn't always easy, for years I had huge groups of friends. I had all sorts of people I could hang out with. But it really does take one really shit hole of a situation to weed people out. And it happens so fast that sometimes you wonder what's worse- the original betrayal or finding that most of your friends disappear?

So when I think of this, it takes me no time to think of who would do this for me:

Tammy. My friend Tammy and I have been friends for ten years. Which doesn't seem like it's been that long but at the same time, how is it not longer? Her and I totally get each other and she has always been my go to friend when I have had major problems with Matt or just life in general. I know that no matter what happens, I can call Tammy at any time and she'll bail me out. Like the time I ripped my own nose ring out of my nose and had to go to her to help. And she made her husband basically re-pierce my nose. Or the time we drove to Hinckley for donuts in the middle of the night for no reason just so we could complain about our husbands. She is always my friend who is game for just about anything. She's easy going, laid back, I could trust her with any thing. Which is why, if it came down to it? Tammy would be my first choice to hide my sex toys.

Emily. Emily and I have been friends for a relatively short time, but she is hands down, the most positive, optimistic, easy going, carefree person I have ever known. No matter how bad things are, she always sees the positive, and you can't help absolutely loving life when you are around Emily. We met at work and I'm so glad we've stayed friends. She also is a fellow book slut and I know that if it came down to it, she would chip in wherever I needed her.

Amy. Amy is one of my longest running blog friends. I haven't actually met that many in real life, but she was the second, and she's been with me the longest. For all of the things we don't have in common, we both like adventure so I know that if I ever wanted to go on a crazy ass trip? I could probably count her in. And despite living a few hours apart, I talk to her the most often with almost daily emails. It's nice to always have someone I can email a raging email to!
Amy, Tammy, me, and Emily. Rochester, Minnesota for Amy's birthday way back in 2011. 

And I cannot friend my far away friends Shirley (Arizona), Shannon (Nebraska), Kimberly (Tennessee) Gini (Nebraska), and Jennifer (Michigan). All of them are blogger friends, all of them I adore for different reasons. Shannon just gets my humor and my love of book boyfriends, Gini is just hysterical and I want to be her when I grow up, Kimberly is also amazing and hilarious, Jennifer is a god damn riot and I just love her, and Shirley? Well I love Shirley. Shirley is my pretend lesbian lover friend. Shirley is the one I'll message when ben wa balls get very stuck. If I had to hide a body, I bet you anything Tammy and Shirley would help me dig a hole. Of all of my friends, I bet you Tammy and Shirley would get along the best because without even knowing each other, they have the most in common with me. We'd be a dangerous trio. 

And if you aren't mentioned? It doesn't mean I don't love you. I love you long time. It just means that you probably wouldn't know where my toys were (all of them) and would probably respond with a "oh hell no" if I had left it in my will for you to take care of it. And it's totally understandable, which is why I love you. I have to have the yangs to my yings.  

I'm just really thankful that I have such great friends that would hide my sex toys. I could trust all of them implicitly with anything. They don't judge me, they accept me and my crazy for what we are, and they love me despite it. They wouldn't even judge the things they found in the closet because they would just know it's something clearly I would do. Because I'm nuts and that's just how I am. 

But the lesson in this is that it's taken me all of these years to find this group of friends. I see kids on Facebook have all of this damn drama with their "friends" and yet.. continue to be friends. And then I look at my group and I'm lucky. I haven't ever fought with my friends. None of my friends would ever do anything to intentionally hurt my feelings or "get back at me" for anything. Maybe I just got lucky or maybe that's just what happens as you get older. But it's worth asking- who would hide your sex toys? 


Shirley said...

Aww! I would battle all your shitty weather to hide your sex toys. As I've gotten older I have fewer friends. Mayme gives great marriage advice; Courtney raising children; Candy career advice. I can talk to you about any dirty thing I've read about. Above all the thing all my closest friends have in common is that they are strong women who don't talk shit, take shit and are truthful.

Julie H said...

If I was dead I don't think I'd care lol.

I have a couple really close friends. I have a hard time with all my friends every now and then disappointing me in some way but when I weigh if it's worth it to be friends with them still or not they usually make the cut.

Unknown said...

GIRL, I would totally hide your sex toys. And, not gonna lie....I might look through your collection and order duplicates of the coolest looking ones. ;) Love ya, totally needed this laugh!