Monday, November 16, 2015

Losing your identity and sanity

It's no secret that marriage and parenthood are hard even under the best circumstances. I've never pretended that I had it all together or that things were easy, but I do try to put on the happy face because that's what we're expected to do. No newlywed or soon to be parent wants to hear that things are going to get tough. And, at some point, we kind of forget about all of the hard days later on down the road but it doesn't mean those hard days don't exist.

They very much do.

Right now I'm struggling and it's hard to really put into words what's bothering me. Currently, I am doing the stay at home mom thing. I won't lie and tell you it's grand because most days I would very much disagree. I love my time with Penelope but I find myself getting dumber every day. I'm getting angry when there's no reason to be angry. I'm frustrated and tired.

Matt is also working a ridiculous amount of hours at work. On one hand, it's nice because the extra money is always needed and especially heading into the holiday season and winter months, it gets tough. On the other, it really sucks because I don't get a break. He's worked almost 31 days in a row and while I appreciate that means he hasn't gotten a break either, I'm about ready to lose my mind. My argument is at least he gets to leave the house. I'm stuck here. I can't afford to go anywhere or do anything, I'm literally stuck in this house with three kids who demand every ounce of energy I've got.

And it's not that I hate it. It's just that I'm tired.

I haven't slept well in months. My back is killing me because Penelope is damn near twenty pounds. I'm constantly freezing because I'm trying to not turn the heat on too much and hopefully that'll save some money. I often forget to eat or don't end up having time to eat. I'm overwhelmed with PTO stuff. Just when I think things are in a groove, I get parents emailing me telling me what a crap job I'm doing. I think people are annoyed with me when I can't just get up and run an errand, but don't realize that I've got a VERY small window each day that I can run errands that are in between Penelope's nap time so it really limits what I can do and where I can go.

I've tried telling Matt I need help and I feel like I'm slowly going insane. He did a load of laundry and then went to work. I'm not ashamed to tell you I cried in the bathroom while Penelope cried in her crib and Olivia and Jackson argued over who gets to use the Kinetic Sand castle shaper first. And I'm just feeling like I am barely treading water. I'm starting to just not give a damn about anything.

Sunday was especially bad and I'm not too ashamed to say I spent what little I had on my credit card to get Santa pictures of the kids, get their Christmas concert outfits and a top to wear for our family pictures coming up. Which is absurd because to think Matt will even get off of work in time to go is nuts. I'm at the point where it feels like he'd give his left arm for his job and the rest of us can just suck it. This is the downside of being that dedicated employee, you get treated like shit but he apparently likes it. He doesn't even see that people say no because they know he'll pick up the slack.

I can't even fault him for that because honestly, that's what it feels like with some of the things I'm involved with. I don't know what it's like to have actual time for myself anymore. I love when people say, "Oh, I can't help out because my kids have *insert activity* tonight and I've got to sit there." Oh, nice. I don't know what that's like. I have to drop my kids off and hope someone can get them in case I can't get there on time to pick them up. I'm expected to just make time and rearrange my schedule because you know, it's just my life, no biggie. It makes me feel resentful and used, honestly.

But through it all, I feel like I'm slowly going back to that place I was at in 2008 where I had no idea who I was anymore. I gave and gave until I had nothing left and I was in, probably the worst depression valley I have ever been in. And I can't even get on medication to fix it because let's be honest, I can take all of the pills in the world but if things in my environment don't change, nothing gets better. It's hard to just get out of bed anymore.

I mean, it's just the American Dream, right? Welcome to marriage and motherhood, I guess.


Miss Nutralicious said...

Hi. I'm a stranger who thinks you are doing a great job.

I'm a new stay at home mom who, due to lack of energy, has exchanged updating my own blog for reading other peoples blogs in the middle of the night. For the past couple of months, your blog has been my favorite.

The fact that you blog, read, participate in PTO stuff, do a trillion other things AND have 2 more kids than me blows my mind.

I think you have mad skills. Thanks for reenergizing my brain while I sit in my freezing house and try to rest my back. Happy Monday!

The Flynnigans said...

I have no magic words or advice, I'm just sending you love and hugs Sara. xo

thotlady said...

My mom had four children and worked full-time. I don't know how she did it. My older sister and I helped quite a bit when we got older, so maybe your daughter will be a help to you.

Hang in there.

Mattie @ Northwest Native said...

I can't believe how much you do and how much is expected of you! Hang in there...I'm hoping you get a break soon!

Unknown said...

My dear I hear ya. I went thru the exact same feelings a couple years ago after the divorce when I was living in a house that wasn't what I wanted for my boys to have. I was a mess. The boys were a mess. Everything was awful. I had made some wrong choices and had agreed to help their dad with his issues instead of mine. It did get better but it took time. You will get thru it. You are a crazy ambitious person. I'm always in awe with how much you do.

If you ever need to chat or rant, we are all here for you! Just remember to take a few minutes for yourself. Even if its a bath each night with a book to wind down. That helped me quite a bit.