Thursday, February 25, 2016

Hitting the rock bottom of caring.

It's no secret I have had a really rough few months. I've tried my go to anti-depressant and that made things really awful so I've now weaned off of that successfully. But I'm back in a funk and the only bright side is that it's given me a different perspective on a lot of things in my life.

Yesterday was really bad. It was bad from the word go when I only got two and a half hours of sleep. For some reason, morning sickness flared up again and the fact I even made it to the kids' school at 8 to help with the book fair is a miracle all on its own. But then I'm there and I'm really blown away at how kids are essentially trying to barter for books. Which, on one hand, I'm so excited at their enthusiasm for reading. The little bookworm nerd in me is over the moon. But then on the other hearing kids talk about how easy it would be to steal a book, how their mom/dad told them to just ask if they can pay half (yes, parents actually told their kids to ask that), and then watching one kid for sure steal a pen but do it so quickly I didn't get a good look at his face. Then, just as I was leaving, Olivia comes up to me in tears because she forgot her recorder at home, apparently her "third strike" in a month. She wants me to go home and get it so she doesn't get in trouble.

I tell her no and she really starts sobbing, running down the hall saying I'm so mean to her.

All before 9 a.m.

I ended up having Matt run home to get it and while I was still at school, he went to her classroom with it and I'm pretty sure she peed her pants when her dad pulled her out of class and several kids started asking who it was. (Mostly because Matt is usually M.I.A. for all school or kid related things so most of her friends have no idea what her dad looks like.) But she started sobbing even harder when he told her he could get in trouble at work for having to deal with her irresponsibility.

But, silver lining is that she will likely never forget the damn recorder ever again. I told the music teacher to absolutely, 100%, give her a referral next time and let her sit in the office because you've got to learn how to be responsible for yourself at some point.


So then all afternoon I was dealing with emails I didn't want to deal with, pissy people left and right, Penelope was a bit of a bear (she's even worse today, YAY), and then Matt got home late and I had to run to a meeting before I could eat dinner. I explicitly asked that someone please save me something to eat, seeing how I hadn't gotten breakfast and I didn't get lunch. All I had yesterday was a questionable granola bar and a bag of fruit snacks that I'm pretty sure were expired because they were super hard.

By the time I came home, I walk through the door to find that not only was no supper saved for me, but the kitchen was a freaking mess. Laundry hadn't been switched over, the rest hadn't been folded. Nobody showered or bathed. Homework wasn't checked and reading calendar wasn't signed. The good news is that everyone was in bed at least and Matt was ready to bolt out the door to walk the dog.

So I quietly cleaned everything up, got everyone's homework squared away and into folders so it wouldn't get tossed by Matt on accident. I answered some emails, returned two phone calls, and lay in bed until 4:45 a.m. when finally I fell asleep for a whopping two hours.

But as I lay there in the dark when everyone else in my house is asleep, I thought about how very little I'm appreciated. Yeah, people say it periodically but that's just talk. That's to save face for looking like an ungrateful asshole. I volunteer my time to a LOT of different groups and places, friends, etc and I'm at the point where I'm getting nothing in return. I get zero joy from almost all of it. Maybe I've done too good of a job being competent and organized all of these years that it has back fired on me. Maybe people actually have zero idea that I spend every single free moment doing things for other people. Then when I do take time for myself, a whopping hour to read, I get, "Wow- must be nice to have THAT kind of free time!". You know what?

Fuck you.

Seriously, fuck yourself.

If I hear one more suggestion on how things should be done, what I should be doing, or what I could do better I cannot be held accountable for my actions. I am literally at that point where I will actually lose it. I really want to be one of those people who just do nothing and hope everyone else will pick up the slack because they have better things to do. I really do. Some of the people who have the most complaints have a fraction of what I have on my plate yet cannot possibly do any more.

But it's totally OK if I do it?


So no. It's done. I'm done. I'm mentally done. I will be systematically checking out of things in the next few weeks and I can tell you right now- this summer? I do nothing for anyone. Nothing. I refuse. I'm going to enjoy my summer, I'm going to spend time with my kids, I'm going to enjoy the end of pregnancy, I'm going to start next school year with a fraction of the stress I've had several years now, and I'm just... done. I am mentally done.

Some of my best qualities have always been my selflessness, empathy, and giving nature. Those are all things I've really liked about myself and I've always been proud to be that person that is there in a jiffy. You need something? I'm on it. I never want someone else to feel burdened by something I could be doing. And I really hate that volunteering for so many different things has left me hating all of that and looking at those qualities as negatives. Because I may as well have "walk all over me, I'm cool with it" written on my head.

I can only hope the rest of the week gets better. I'm not even optimistic about it. I keep hearing I should look at all of the things that are good, I wouldn't feel so down. I've resigned myself to having zero expectations from anyone because then I can't be let down. If by god someone actually pulls through and does something, it's just a small blip of good. Who knew doing good things for others would turn you into a depressed pessimist?



Mattie @ Northwest Native said...

Ugh, I am so sorry. I obviously don't even have close to as much going on as you do, but I generally cook dinner every night, do 70% of the dishes (and Michael only does them when asked), I take the dogs out three times a day by myself (then one time I take one and Michael takes one), I do all the laundry...and pretty much any other cleaning (minus when I get him to do dishes or tell him to put his clothes/shoes/other crap away) and it drives me nuts. You absolutely deserve a summer ALL to yourself. If you're not being appreciated, then they'll just have to see what they had and screwed up (obviously I mean the volunteering stuff with this point, not your kids/husband...ha!).

SpiritPhoenix said...

It's been very hard to learn how to say no, or sit on my hands when in groups, so I don't volunteer. It's crazy how ingrained that "Yes" can be to a lot of us. In fact, even now, I feel guilty if I knit at night, or do something solely for myself. I'm still working on that too.

Kudos to you for stepping back. You need the break, no one can fault you for saying no. And if anyone gives you grief for it, say, "sorry, it's someone else's turn." Walk away. And don't look back! You can do it!

thotlady said...

Sometimes we all need to step back and reassess.

Unknown said...

I hate when ppl aren't given the appropriate amount of appreciation. It is so evident that you do so much, not just your family, but your entire community. But at some point you have to take care of yourself. I honestly don't see how it would be feasible for you to do everything you do and have two babies in two next fall. It's time for someone else to have the headache. i would lose my shit if I dealt with half your stress. you're pretty much a rock star at this point.