Thursday, December 21, 2017

December blahs.

I don't know if I always feel the way I feel right now in December but we aren't even to Christmas yet and I've got a case of the Mondays. Every day. I just don't have it in me to care about anything, I don't want to do anything, and I'd just as soon sleep all day to be honest. I'm not finding any joy in any of it and I feel bad because Penelope and Lucy seem excited about everything going on. It must be pretty cool to just randomly have a tree in your house, right?

I know when Olivia and Jackson were smaller I really dreaded the day that they didn't believe in Santa and all of the magic. I was really worried about it. I got kind of worried because Olivia is 12 now, has given me no indication that she knows that Matt and I are really Santa, and I was worried she was going to get beat up at school for talking about Santa. I decided that I was going to take her out to run errands and just have the conversation in the car. Turns out it was for nothing and SHE was the one who was relieved and said to me, "Oh thank god I don't have to fake it for you anymore!".

Nice, kid.

Jackson, on the other hand, FULLY believes in Santa and he's nine. I wonder though if kids are saying things at school because he's been asking me if I believe in Christmas, in elves, in Santa, in magic, etc. I've been kind of non-committal about it all but it is pretty clear that he is all into it. Of all of the kids he is (so far) the most sensitive and he's just a gentle soul. I almost said something to him about it this past weekend on the way to tennis but then he started talking about how this year he is going to try to stay up and listen for reindeer and I just couldn't.

Oh! But on our drive to tennis, we were talking about something and I actually remembered what he was talking about. I said to him, "Jack! I remember! I know what you're talking about! Can you believe it? I actually remembered this time!" and that smart ass starts singing the song "For The First Time In Forever" from Frozen.

Little jerk.

I'm all done with Christmas everything. Well, no that isn't true- I have no idea what I'm cooking on Christmas and my plan is to shop tonight so... yeah. I need to get on that. I honestly planned on cereal but Matt had hopes for an actual meal so I guess I'll give it a whirl. I think I am going to spend some time over the weekend writing my book. Well, parts of it. My therapy homework is to write about the actual event, no editing, no re-writing or adding in, just every thought I think of as it pops into my head until I feel like I've gotten it out. I'm working on forming a new narrative, I guess. It's proving to be tough because I'll be in the car and think of something really great and god knows I won't remember it, then I get angry at myself. Or sometimes I can hear it in my head but I can't get it out, if that makes sense? It's a voice only I can hear but I can't translate it into words on paper. The brain works in bizarre ways, I suppose.

So I've been feeling blah. I'm not happy. I'm not really angry (just moderately so- ha!), but I feel indifferent. Take it or leave it. If the house went up in flames I'm not even sure I'd have any emotional response to it. It's hard to know if this is an improvement in mental health because of medication but it doesn't feel like it. Though I suppose before I was actively planning my death and now I'm not... I just think about it and don't have the energy to plan. It's like one of those, "if I get around to it" projects that never happens.

Alright. I know I have more book reviews for this year but next week I'm going to highlight 2017's highs and lows, and my goals for 2018. Still working on those. Ha!

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