Sunday, December 31, 2017

The end of the worst year of my life.

I know I said last year was the worst year of my life, but that's not true. If anything it really was the best year. Sure, I died and that's not ideal, but I saw the kindness of so many people, people who knew me and even more who didn't and it's hard to not be buoyed by that. My family was completed with Lucy's birth. So many good things happened in 2016 that I can't call it my worst year.

2017 grabbed that title easily. Here's why:

  • I started the year off with my first suicide attempt. It wasn't real serious, it was more of a trial run with messing with medications just to see what would happen. I ended up in the ER and back home in a few hours, but I felt awful for weeks. 
  • I thought 2016 was my rock bottom with depression and that wasn't true. 2017 wanted me to hold it's beer and show me how it's really done. I have never in my life gone through the harrowing moments I did this year. I suffer mostly in silence because I'm scared what people will think when I tell them what's going through my head. Instead, I mostly cry in the shower as every horrible thought goes through my head like a movie reel I can't stop. 
  • I tried so many medications to improve my mental health and I finally understand when people say the side effects are almost worst than the illness itself. I have dealt with bugs crawling on me, electronic shocks all over my body, numbness in all of my limbs, shooting pain down my limbs, the worst migraines of my life, stomach pains that rivaled labor contractions, and uncontrollable thoughts. 
  • In the spring I stood at Enger Tower and stood with my arms outstretched on the edge of the cliff. I just felt the wind going through my fingers and voice telling me to do it. It was the most liberating, and most terrifying, feeling I have ever felt in my life. 
  • I realized just how disabled I am. Sure, there are lots of things I can still do, but a lot of the things that made me like myself are things I can no longer do. I am learning that I never learned to love myself for myself and if I'm not doing something perfectly, it's OK. If I'm not the best, the quietest, the most organized, the over achiever, it's OK. It doesn't feel OK. I'm just a regular nobody if I'm not over achieving. 
  • I had more panic attacks than I want to admit. More outbursts that scared my children and Matt. I learned that PTSD isn't a joke and it doesn't care how much therapy you do, it will always find you. I have spent more days crying in my dark closet than I have doing something I enjoy. I don't enjoy anything anymore.
  • In November it was everything I could do to not pull over on the Blatnik Bridge and get out. I felt like I actually had no control over it. The only thing keeping me here is guilt and I'm sick of feeling guilty about everything. I just want peace. 
  • I have sat in parking garages of the hospital and sobbed because I'm sick of being diagnosed with another thing. I'm sick of feeling like every ache or pain is a larger ailment, that I'm falling apart and I have no control over it. I am sick of people looking at me and feeling sorry for me. I'm sick of people assuming I'm fine because I "look good" when inside I'm constantly looking for a way out of life. 
With all of that, it's not hard to think that 2018 has to be better. Just statistically, a single person can't have continuous awfulness, right? I mean, it has to surely end sometime. So let's talk about my goals for 2018. I no longer have resolutions, I'm giving myself goals. 
  • Lose 5 pounds. Seems easy and lame but it's going to be everything in me to lose that given all of my health issues and restrictions. I'm going to try though. 
  • Do a boudoir shoot. I feel like I'm at the most disgusting physical state that I have ever been in and every time I look in the mirror I cry at how wrecked my body is, it's been to actual hell and back and I hate every inch of it. Seems logical to do this photo shoot, right? I figure maybe someday I can do another one and it'll be an improvement. 
  • Do a regression therapy session. I feel like I really need to go back to my trauma and see it happen. I am hopeful, I am terrified, I am every range of emotion. I worry that my emotional state will be worse afterwards but honestly, what do I have to lose at this point? 
  • Do one fun mini trip with my kids and Matt. Last year we did Florida and that's not happening this year, but I'd like to do something with them. 
  • Find a medication cocktail that actually works and that I can afford. 
  • Go to a concert. I have two on deck for next year, but I'd like to find two more. 
  • Read 105 books. 
  • Plan a 15th anniversary trip with Matt for 2019. Just us, no kids. 
  • Finish my book. I am half way through it and I'm finding I need to take large breaks between writing sessions because I am an emotional mess. 
  • Do a random act of kindness every month. One of things that used to give me joy is spreading kindness, doing something nice just because for someone. I've started on that this month already but I am running on the theory that if I do it more, it'll bring more joy. We'll see. 
I hope 2018 is kinder to you as well. I know we all have problems. People are out there dying and they don't want to, and I'm over here wishing I was dead. I understand the absurdity of that. It is what it is. These are the cards I was given, I'm shuffling them and dealing them out as many different ways as I can and I'm trying. Nobody can say I'm not trying. God speed, lambs. 


The Flynnigans said...

Fucking hell... I hope that 2018 is a far, far better year for you and your family.

Loving you from afar...... big hugs!! xoxox

Shooting Stars Mag said...

I love you, Sara. I know 2017 is been god awful for you, but I still think you're amazing and I hope that you have lots of good memories this year.


Unknown said...

It's brave to talk about what you face on a daily basis and so many people need to hear their not alone. SO kudos for sharing. That's something to be proud of.

San said...

Well, that's a hell of a first post to read on your blog (comming over from the Peacefull Posse FB site).

I am sorry to hear that you had such a rough year. My husband deals with PTSD and anxiety, so I intimately understand what you're up against. I really wish and hope taht 2018 will be much, much better for you and your family.
You're so brave for sharing your struggles.

Beth (Coffee Until Cocktails) said...

I tried to comment the other day and had some issues, so I'm back to try it again. I just wanted to tell you how amazing and brave you are. You had a rough year. You wanted to leave it all behind. But you are still here. And I'm glad you are. So much love to you and hopes for a better 2018.
Coffee Until Cocktails (Formerly Beth Next Door)