Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Ultrasounds, not just for babies.

Can I just say that it was extremely strange to have an ultrasound done when I'm not pregnant? I didn't really put much thought into it before I got there but as I'm laying down and she put the gel on my stomach, I had a little bit of a panic attack and decided I absolutely couldn't look at the screen.

I was getting an ultrasound done before my endoscopy in June to figure out why my stomach and abdominal area hurt all of the time. This was checking for gallstones, I think.

But it just reminded me that I will never be pregnant again. Don't get me wrong, I don't want another baby- four is quite enough, thank you very much. But the idea that I can't ever do it again feels... constricting. It's one thing to know you could technically still have another baby, even though you don't want one versus knowing that the option was taken away from you. My parts don't work the way they should anymore and there is no fix for that. It won't get better.

So as I was laying there it was a really strange feeling. It got me wondering if things like this will always pop up and take me aback, surprise me. Will these feelings ever just go away? How do I make them not happen? I'd really like to go through my life not being affected by pregnant women, ultrasounds, vaginal exams, new babies, all of it. I feel like such a terrible person who can't be happy for people in the mix of all the greatness that is a new baby because of my terrible experience. I shouldn't feel sad or angry, I had four babies, more than so many women get.

Which only reminds me of being angry because I can't remember their new baby smell, their cries, things they liked. Did they like to snuggle? Did I? Did they like fresh pajamas and baths? Lullabies? What was my favorite thing about them? Did they have fuzzy hair on their heads? Did I rub my face on it?

None of this is fair and I don't know how to get over this hump. It feels like a mountain some days.


Shooting Stars Mag said...

I've never been pregnant, so all the ultrasounds I've had are for other things...so I imagine if I do have a baby, THAT will be weird. They were probably checking for gallstones; that's why I had my last one.

I can see why this would be tough for you though - really, anything related to pregnancy and/or babies. I can't imagine having pregnancy taken away from you. You're right, if it's your choice, it's easier. Hopefully aspects of this will get better with time.


Life Love & High Heels said...

Today I posted to a group asking why I keep seeing synchronicity all.the.damn.time. Long story short, someone commented maybe I’m so focused on what happened *to* me instead of what this situation did *for* me. And that was interesting to point out. What’s the life lesson? Not that changing your mindset can bring back your health, but curious if looking at it in that perspective helps? Maybe you’ll get this amazing book deal?