Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Fried thoughts.

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed and fried lately. Like I can't form a coherent thought and I have no idea what to share with you, but I feel like I should be sharing something. So here are some things bouncing around in my head.

  • I had therapy today and she gave me some interesting things to think about. One being my belief that I'm not supposed to be here, that my soul or spirit (at least part of it) has crossed over and it's why I feel empty, like I'm just in the wrong place. She asked me if I thought some of that passed into Lucy, given Lucy's tendency to stare at me like she knows a secret about me. It's unnerving at times though I'm getting better about not being creeped out about it now. But I thought that was an interesting thought, what happens to us when we die? I wish I could have brought back some information for you all. And me. 
  • She wants me to make a list of "I Am" statements, divided into two columns: negative and positive/neutral. It doesn't matter how small they are, make my list and we'll talk about it. Maybe I'll do that and share with you, too. 
  • On Friday I get to speak in front of the medical community near me about my AFE and what my life after it has looked like. I have this fear that they want me to be Pollyanna and "it's so great and I am so blessed" but that isn't true to what my experience has been. I'm trying to turn my negative into a teaching tool for them so that the next mom has more support than I did. If it changes anything, I'll consider it a success. It's really strange but I don't care what my family thinks about me but I really want my doctors to be proud of me. Is that odd? It feels odd. I want them to look at me and think, "we did the right thing" because I'm doing something worthwhile not just because kids supposedly need a mother. 
  • Raising a daughter is harder than I thought it was going to be. I'm finding that I'm having to catch myself and not guide her towards choices and decisions because it's what I would choose, or because it would be easier for me, or because I think I'm right. I am having to constantly tell myself to let her choose, let her make mistakes, stop saving her and it's really hard. 
  • Did I tell you I have an eye appointment in April? I feel like my eyesight is getting worse and worse by the week and I'm finding that I need to wear my glasses more and more, not just for driving anymore. Today it was so bright out I had to use sunglasses and I realized I couldn't see anything and it got me wondering can I get cute sunglasses with prescription lenses? I bet those cost a pretty penny. 
  • My birthday is coming up and I feel like I want to make a wish list just for fun. Or to drop Matt some serious hints. I get to do something kind of fun on my birthday but more on that later. 

1 comment:

Lauren said...

You should totally make a birthday wish list, even if it's just for fun.
It's interesting to think about what happens after you die, but also kind of scary. I don't know...that's intriguing about the way Lucy looks at you sometimes though!
Good luck on your presentation. I think it's great that you're doing it to try and make things easier for other moms. And I think it makes total sense to care more about what your doctors think than your family because a lot of us are like that; we care more about "strangers" perceptions of us than the people who know us the best.
Granted, I'm glad you're here - not for the doctors, or your family, but because of you. You should be here.