Monday, March 4, 2019

Weight Loss Challenge (week 17) depression and pilates

I wasn't actually going to post today because I have a lot on my mind, depression is weighing me down, and the best way to explain it is I feel like an actual sloth right now.
I feel like I'm moving in slow motion, like I'm walking through molasses. I don't think it's a medication thing because I haven't changed anything in several months. I do think it's some kind of a flare up, most likely of an auto immune thing. Who knows. I'm always tired and I always hurt but then there are days like the last three where it's my normal times 50. It's like every time that I think it can't get worse, that my day to day is pretty awful, I get a stretch like this and am reminded that nope! That is not the worst because this is the actual worst.

It started last Tuesday but I thought maybe it was from my workout on Monday, I did the 21 Day Fix Lower Fix and that was actually really hard and I was sore. On Wednesday I did the 21 Day Fix Pilates one and holymotherofeverything that is no joke. I really struggled through that one and I was paying for it on Thursday and Friday. Friday though I really hit the wall and I skipped my workout and took a nap. I took it easy that night knowing I had to get up early on Saturday to take Olivia to her dance competition.

I really had a hard time on Saturday and that's when I thought maybe this isn't a slump but maybe more of a depression cloud hanging over me. I ended up walking almost two miles on Saturday since we had to park really far away, so that's what I'm counting as my workout. I didn't do anything on Sunday because again, I just don't feel good. I didn't sleep well last night and I just thought about things that I know I can't control but have impact on my happiness right now.
It's strange how depression can just take you over. It's like someone throwing a blanket on you and you never seen them coming. I feel like I'm drowning and honestly, what's the point of struggling anymore? The only positive here is that my medication is helping in the sense that I don't feel full of rage and I'm not crying all of the time. It's a weird numbness, if that makes sense. I feel like I need to cry, want to cry, but I physically can't. You know when you have to sneeze, you feel it but it just isn't happening? That's what I feel like but with every emotion. It's a very weird space to be in.

Oh well.

I guess my goals this week are to work out three times. Any kind of work out. I have to get my fitness in. I'm not losing any weight but I also am not noticing any changes in me physically or health wise. I just want to keep my stamina up so when it gets warmer out I can push a stroller for more than a block and not feel like death is warming over or dry heaving on the side of the road. Those are not fun and you should see the looks you get from people driving by.

Alright. So that's my Monday. How did your week start? Do you have anything you're looking forward to?

1 comment:

Shooting Stars Mag said...

I'm sorry your depression is being sucky. I really hate that. I have dance the next two days but I haven't been feeling well either, so we'll see how that goes. LOL