Tuesday, May 5, 2020

Stop crying your heart out.

I feel like I've hit an actual wall. I don't know what's going on with my depression but it has flared up and I'm really struggling.

I don't blame the quarantine or coronavirus so much, though that has had an impact. I think this is just how life is now for me and to be frank, I'm sick of it. I am tired of treading water only to keep being overwhelmed by waves.

I really miss every day, every week, every year that I took for granted. All of that time where I had good days and things were OK. Even on my worst days I felt better than I do know. I don't know why everything feels amplified. I can feel a huge difference if I forget to take my medication, so I know that it is working. I'm at the highest doses possible. I'm starting to wonder if I'll have to just deal with awful medication side effects to feel better.

I haven't been sleeping. That's been a thing for awhile. Don't come at me with your melatonin, I can't take it with my other medications. I hardly eat at all. If I do it's just munching on something but not enough to be considered a meal. Even if I do sit down for a meal I can't taste it and I lose my appetite immediately. I am so tired the entire day. I have such a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. A lot of mornings I cry because I just can't do another day.

Is it ironic that it's the week of Mother's Day and I feel like the worst mom? I have to rely on Olivia and Jackson so much and I hate it. I feel like I'm stealing their childhood away. Granted, its less time on YouTube and video games for them, but still. They didn't ask for this. I love them so much and I have no idea what life would be like without them.

I feel terrible for Penelope and Lucy because they won't know a happy mom, excited to take them to a park. I love them so much but god help me, my days are so long and so hard right now.

I am lucky I have family that care. I am lucky to have friends who check on me. I have a support system when so many people don't.

I just feel so tired and I don't know what I would even say. I was thinking about that earlier, if I had to list three things that are at the top of my bubbling emotions, I have no idea what I would say. I can't even tell people what it is that is bringing me down. Things like this make me feel like I no longer have control over my mind. I can list all of the things I feel but none of it is different from yesterday. Or last year. It's always the same and I'm so tired of it.

Oh well. It's only Tuesday. One day.

It can always be worse.

No comments: